No Time | Grey's Anatomy // Book 1 // COMPLETED |

29 | Okay . . .

 "So how are you feeling?" the hospital councillor asked me, a pen twirling in his fingers as he stared at the notepad in front of himself. "Are you okay?"

Leaning back in the large black chair I was sitting in, I looked around at the bare walls of the conference room and sighed. "I don't know. I mean, I was in a shooting. I watched a man, one of my colleges and a friend, die right in front of me; all while my sister was somewhere in the hospital and I had no clue if she was alive or not."

The councillor stared at me, waiting for more; it was obvious that he was not satisfied with my answer, but I didn't know what else I could possibly give him. I was beyond exhausted from talking about the shooting. All I wanted was to go back to work and never have to talk or think about it ever again.

"What do you want me to say?" I decided to just cut straight to the chase. "I just want to go back to work. So if me sitting here and telling you that I'm feeling okay will do that, then sure, I've never felt better. But just because I'm not 'okay' shouldn't be the deciding point of whether I get to go back to my career or not. No one in this entire hospital is okay right now. There was a shooting. People died . . . people I knew died. You can't possibly expect me to ever be fully okay after this, at least not for a long while."

"I only asked how you were feeling." the man spoke calmly after my rant. "If you cannot answer a simple question without becoming hostile, how do you expect me to believe that you can go back to a job where there are constant questions and quick decisions?"

Running my hands through my hair, I drew in a deep breath, telling myself over and over again that screaming at him would do nothing but bad things, despite how much I wanted to. "Has anything like this ever happened to you?" I questioned him. "Because if not, let me take you through it. I came to work that day, ready to do my job. Feeling 'okay', if you will. Then, as I was heading to visit my sister, who was in a car accident a week before and lost almost all of her left arm, someone told me I had to go back because there was a man with a gun in the building. When I returned, the shooter came into the room that I and two fellow doctors and a patient were in and shot Dr. Charles Percy in the stomach. After an attempt to bandage him up and get him to the OR floor, our plan was halted when we realized that the elevators had stopped working, forcing us to sit in the hall as Charles died in Dr. Bailey's lap."

I waited for the councillor to speak, and when he didn't, I exhaled and leaned forward. "I see him everywhere," I said. "The man who came into my workplace with a gun because fellow doctors and I took his wife off of life support. I was the one who pressed the power button and watched him cry as his wife's life slipped from his fingertips. I hear Dr. Percy gasping for air and pleading for his life everywhere I go. I hear Dr. Bailey screaming in the hall for the elevators to work. I see the gun go off and pierce Charles's skin. I watch him die every day. So no, I'm not okay."

With that, I stood up and stormed out of the conference room, not even bothering to ask about having my form signed so I could return to work. Slamming the door shut behind me, I paused in the hallway, closed my eyes, and started breathing heavily. My mind started racing and it was like I was finding out the true aftermath of the situation all over again. My fears had been right. It hadn't just been Charles.

Reed had been shot in the head, dying almost instantly. She was found in a pool of her own blood by April and died without ever getting to hear how Charles had felt about her. Derek had been shot as well, just barely surviving his wounds. Owen had been shot. Alex had been shot. Meredith had been pregnant and miscarried due to the stress of the situation. Gary Clark had held Cristina at gunpoint while she tried to save Derek's life. 

It had been so much worse than I could have ever imagined. The only silver lining was that Skylar had been perfectly fine, but that ray of hope was hardly enough to keep the dark thoughts at bay. During the day I found myself lost in the carnage of those few hours, and during the night I couldn't help but think about how it could have been so much worse. 

"Hey." I heard Cristina's voice and snapped out of my trance. She glanced at the conference room door and then me again. "Did you get cleared yet?"

"Nope." I plastered a big, fake smile on my face as I fell into pace beside her. "Instead, I decided to have a big, dramatic meltdown and then storm out. It's much more fun than operating and doing what I dedicated my life to. You should try it."

"No thanks." Christina shook her head before burying her nose in the magazine she was carrying with herself. 

As we walked past the elevator, the doors opened and Meredith and Derek stepped out. Turning to us, Meredith scowled. "Oh, Derek got arrested again," she said before we even had the chance to ask what was wrong. "Reckless endangerment."

"Meredith . . ." Derek sighed.

"Did he lose his license yet?" Cristina asked.

"Oh, no, because they don't charge him because the cops worship him." Meredith was beyond angry at this point, but that was because this was far from the first time Derek had been caught speeding through the Seattle streets.

Derek took off his jacket and shook his head. "Because I saved some of their lives."

Meredith stared down at the magazine in Cristina's hand and decided to change the subject. "What are we picking?" she asked.

"Dress colour," Cristina replied blankly, referring to a wedding dress because rather out of the blue, she and Owen had decided to get married. I was sure it had something to do with the shooting and frankly, I couldn't blame them. After the incident, I had wanted nothing more than to go home to someone who understood what I was going through and who didn't ask a million questions. "I'm not wearing white," Cristina told us. "It's sexist and . . . vaguely racist. No white, no veil, no rice."

"Well, what will your mother say?" Meredith reminded her.

Cristina widened her eyes. "No mother."

Meredith sighed and turned to Derek. "You know, I didn't get cleared for surgery . . . and I'm pretty sure it's your fault."

"I didn't get cleared either," I told Meredith. "But it's definitely my fault."

"Meredith, I am the Chief," Derek said. "I can overrule the councilor."

"You can?"

"Yes." Derek chuckled.

"Wanna throw in one overruling for me too, then?" I asked. "I haven't said a single word about you being arrested again."

Derek just shrugged. "Fair enough."

Just then, April joined us with a lab coat in hand, which she handed to Derek in exchange for his normal coat. "Chief Shepherd, you're back." she chirped. "I found a giant skull base chordoma. Biggest one I've ever seen."

"Really?" Derek seemed much happier now as he took the scans from her.

April nodded. "He came into the ER with trouble breathing."

"You got cleared for surgery?" Meredith almost yelled, her eyes narrowing at April. 

"I did," April answered.

"Bitch." Meredith snapped.

April ignored her, which was probably the smart thing to do. Meredith was on a warpath and she wouldn't stop until she was cleared. "I mean, I would've said it was inoperable, but you're back and you're you," April said. 

"Right." Derek nodded once more as we entered the main lobby. As we passed through the doors, the room erupted into applause for Derek from the hundreds of doctors and nurses gathered there. "Hey, uh, yes, good morning. Thank you. Thank you very much." Derek told everybody as he made his way to the staircase for a quick speech on his first day back.

Once the clapping had died down, Derek cleared his throat. "Good. Thank you. Thank you very much. It's, uh, it's great to be back. First of all, I'd like to thank Dr. Webber for stepping up in my absence." the room erupted into applause and cheering again for a brief moment before Derek continued. "Uh, I'm grateful for all of you, for all of your support during my recovery. Thank you. Uh, it's just, uh, so great to be back as Chief. I'm grateful for the, uh . . ."

"What is happening?" I whispered to Meredith, but she just shrugged. No one knew why Derek was having so much trouble keeping focused.

Slowly, Derek trailed away from his thought and stared down at the scans in his hands. "I'm sorry. That's a lie." he then looked back up at the crowd. "That's what people say, and, uh, the truth is . . . I hate being Chief. I hate it. Chief Webber is our Chief. Um . . . and I'm sorry but this giant . . . sorry, I gotta go look at this chordoma. I, um, I'm sorry, but . . . I quit."

Without another word, Derek stepped off of the staircase and took off with April close on his heels. Meredith and I shared a look as the room, that had been left initially speechless, began to murmur among themselves at the newfound news. 

"He just quit." Bailey chuckled.

"He was supposed to clear me for surgery." Meredith did not look impressed.

I hung my head low. "He was supposed to clear us for surgery."