No Time | Grey's Anatomy // Book 1 // COMPLETED |

31 | The Worst is Behind Us

As we sat in the gallery and watched Derek operate on the boy with the chordoma—whose mother had eventually agreed to the surgery, despite all of the possible risks—I couldn't help but entertain the fear that I might never get to operate again, and that thought scared me. I had no idea what I would do if I couldn't be a surgeon anymore. 

I had no idea how I could live with myself if I let this one thing, as damaging as it may have been, dictate the rest of my career and life.

"I can't believe I'm not down there." Meredith groaned, her frustration mirroring my own.

"Same." I placed my elbow on the armrest of the chair and rested my head in my hand. 

Cristina, who was beside me, didn't say a word as she continued to flip through the bridal magazine. Every once in a while I would glance over at what she was looking at and give my opinions about this and that, just to try and be helpful. It was beyond odd to see Cristina so focused on something that wasn't surgery, however. To be honest, it was a little worrying. 

Turning my attention back to the surgery, I concentrated on Mark as he cut out the boy's front teeth. I followed every move with my eyes as the surgeons took turns slicing into the boy's face, picturing the procedure as if I was the one performing it. 

By the time Derek actually got into the brain and located the tumour, hours had passed and I was willing to bet that it was dark outside. And suddenly, a surgery that had kept my attention even during the slowest of moments was beginning to bore me to death. Every minute I sat in the gallery, I felt more uneasy. I kept getting a particular feeling, like wishing you could fly but then realizing it will never happen. I felt as though if I didn't get cleared for surgery soon, that I never would, and I would be grounded forever; I would never get to fly.

Standing up, I made my way out of the packed gallery and into the hallway. I could hear someone following me, but I wasn't in the mood to talk, so I just kept walking until I was outside and filling my lungs with fresh air. 

"Are you okay?" I heard Jackson's voice from behind me.

Staring up at the night sky, I inhaled deeply and shook my head. "I don't know."

Coming up beside me, Jackson took my hand in his. "You don't have to be alone," he told me.

"I know . . . " I whispered. "I just want everything to be normal again. I want to operate again because that's the only way things can go back to how they were."

"It's gonna take time." Jackson pressed a light kiss to my forehead. "Wounds don't heal overnight." With that, he squeezed my hand and led me to his car. He was kind enough to drive me home, and when he pulled into my driveway, he didn't try anything.  

"Can you come inside?" I asked. "Sam's not home tonight and . . . I don't want to be alone."


He paused a moment before turning off the vehicle. "Yeah, of course."

                                           ══════════════════

A few days later, I was standing in Meredith's living room in a dress I hadn't worn in months and heels that hurt my feet a little. Everyone had gathered to celebrate Cristina and Owen's wedding, which was just a small affair with close family and friends. 

The past few weeks had been hard on everyone, but on this night, the only emotion in the room was joy. In the face of the overwhelming and suffocating trauma we had endured together, we had managed to pull through, continue on, and find the happiness that still existed in the world. 

Soon enough, Cristina and Owen appeared at the doorway and we parted ways so they could walk down the makeshift aisle. Cristina had a beautiful, non-traditional and non-racist, red dress on; and while everything about this wedding was non-traditional, that was definitely the part that stood out the most. The dress was stunning. 

With all of their close loved ones watching, they exchanged rings, and when the time was right, they kissed each other, making the marriage official. The room erupted with applause and at that moment, I knew that things were going to be okay. The worst was behind us.