College Boy

2

  I couldn't believe what I was reading. I had already forgotten about the fact that I once even wanted this, because it just seemed too impossible.

Around one month ago I signed for the exchange year. There were actually so many great places but England seemed like the best option there, so I wasn't really thinking. It seemed like a joke to me back then.

At that exact day I wrote essays and motivation letters and also emails to lots of host families but I never really got any replies.

But now here I was, standing with an acception letter and information about my host family in England. They were even ready to pay for my plane ticket!

Hard to remember the last time I felt a rush of happiness. But then again, I was scared.

However, what's holding me here? I have literally no one. I've been spending all June in my little room thinking about how miserable will my Senior year be. I went out of the house only when they needed my help at the ice cream store, where I was working this whole year.

But now I actually had some hope. A chance to start over with my life!

There was also a number so I immediately ran back to my room, to get my phone. While I was waiting for a response, I tried to calm down my body, so that my voice would not shake when I talk.

What if this is just a really bad joke?

"Hello?" I heard such a lovely woman's voice. I stood there being completely silent, before I understood that she can't see me.

"Um, hello. I'm Rose."

"Oh, right! You're that girl who wants to be an exchange student here because you like British accent. I'm Linda." She laughed and I wanted to kill myself now more than ever. How did I ever thought that writing that as my reason for doing an exchange year would actually work? No surprise no one replied.

"Yeah." es I sighed in embarrassment.

"It's okay, hun. That's exactly why I married my husband." She said and I realised that she really wasn't British at all. I smiled.

"So where are you from again?

"Canada."

"Do you have something big planned for your summer? Because if not, we would be pleased if you could join us already after one week. As we said in the letter, we're going to pay for your ticket. My husband is actually extremely excited about hosting you our home, so he really wants for you to join our every year little runaway from life. We would definitely get to know each other and surely bond. What do you say?" She sounded so gentle and calm. My mother never talk like this. Never. Suddenly tears had formed in my eyes.

"That actually sounds.." I started saying but really couldn't continue.

"I'm sorry, I'm just still in a little shock, no really big shock actually, because I already gave up a long time ago. Doing an exchange year was a really fast idea but now it seems like my best decision ever. I am so so grateful. I honestly feel like dancing now!" I smiled again and face palmed myself. See this is why I don't leave my house. How do you even talk to other people?

"I would like to talk with your parents first though. From what I know, you're 17." She suddenly said and my smile dropped.

Obviously I didn't tell my mom. I didn't tell anyone.

"That may be a problem." I answered honestly, rubbing the back of my head.

Well, at least I got my 10 minutes with happiness.

"Why's that?"

"Well, my mother is.. um complicated, and my dad is. He is dead." My voice cracked.

"Oh.. I'm so sorry to hear that. You must be so strong then."

Bullshit.

"I'm gonna talk with my mother. See what I can do." I finally said.

"Okay, just let me know then. I'm sure she will understand. Call me back then as soon as you talk to her and we will decide your leaving date and maybe even your room colour." She laughed and I wanted to hug her. My day had gotten from zero to hundred, probably even more.

"Oh, I'm actually fine with all colours." I shrugged.

"Great. Your walls are gonna be brown then." She teased me.

"Okay, maybe not that one." I answered still smiling like an idiot.

"Girl, I love you already!"

***

I was scared. I was so fucking scared. My mother will probably beat the shit out of me before I'll be even able to say exchange.

She was on a couch, drinking and staring at her computer as always. From what I know, she worked from home, and all of her money was for the wine and cigarettes. She never buys food or something for me. Since dad's death, I had to work every day, so that we won't starve. Sometimes she makes something like dinner, but that's about it.

"We need to talk." I went straight for it.

"Why do you think that you can disturb me? I'm clearly busy over here!" She sighed.

I had to think of something. And fast!

There's no way that I'm losing this opportunity because of her. I've lost already so much because of her. It needed to end here.

"It's only one question, please." I begged. I was ready to drop down to my knees if that would make her to agree.

"You seriously have a death wish."

"I'm taking an exchange year as my last high school year." I said it. I fucking said it!

She finally turned her head to look at me. Her eyes seemed dead, her cheeks were colorless, her whole face was.

"And you're telling me this why?" She raised her eyebrows.

"It's in England. Plus I'm turning 18 there and I don't think that I'll be coming back to live here after that." I said, holding my breath.

She just sat there and listened. I couldn't really read her face, because it was emotionless.

"I don't care, Rose. Just get the fuck out of here and leave me alone!" After a little pause, she finally said.

Is this really all that she could say? Actually, I don't know what would hurt the most, the fact that she just doesn't care about me at all or that she wouldn't let me go.

"You're okay with not seeing me anymore?" I asked quietly.

"This is probably the best news since the day your father died." She looked into my eyes and then I almost lost it. I was ready to kill her. I wanted her fucking gone.

"How can you even think of something like that? You're just a pathetic bitch, mother, that's what you are!" I screamed at her, but she wasn't looking at me anymore.

I know she didn't mean it, because she really loved dad. Probably still does.

"What did I ever do to deserve you? You know what? Rot in hell!" I screamed once more and ran back to my room with no looking back.

That woman is not my mother.