College Boy

1

"You've got mail!" My mother shouted from downstairs. I had my headphones on but it was almost impossible to not hear her.

I groaned but got out of my bed and stepped these literal two steps to get out of my room.

"What is it?" I asked while standing in front of the stairs. Maybe it was just an advertisement.

I never get mail.

"How do I fucking know? Get your ass downstairs and see for yourself." She shouted once again but I wasn't surprised. That's my mother.

Since I can remember her, she has always been this way. My whole childhood she was the one who terrorized me but my dad always defended me. We used to have these magical summer nights, when we climbed to the roof, watched shooting stars and talked about literally everything. Whenever something happened in my life, I could always go to him and only to him. He would always give me the best advice and always protect and stand by my side through everything. My mother never cared. When I used to come home from school bruised or just crying, because everyone was bullying me, she never even gave me a look. All she did was just laughed at my face for being this stupid and weak. But she was right. I never was strong. I just cried. But my dad helped me get through it all. He never gave up on me.

With him I could finally become strong.

But then he died and just like that, my life stopped.

It was last year, I was a junior. I got home from school even though I didn't want to, but I had nowhere else to go. I couldn't stop crying because that was the day when my two closest people, besides dad, betrayed me.

Emily was my best friend since first grade. I remember how I first saw her. It was in the lunch hall, she was sitting on the floor, all dirty with food, and sobbing. Everyone was around her and laughing. I instantly knew that I had to do something, so I pushed through all the people standing there, and gave her my hand. She looked up at me and she looked terrified. But she let me help her. So we left the hall, I helped her get cleaned up and even gave her my sports clothes. I just had this feeling, that maybe she could understand me, just how I understood her. And I wasn't wrong. Since that day, we basically grew up together. Just like my dad, she was with me through everything.

And then I met Justin. It was my freshman year, the year when all the bullies was at their worst. I was bullied literally every day. They didn't need a reason. It could be how fat I looked, how my clothes were never from normal shops, how I always used to cry or how my mom didn't love me. It goes on and on.

One day, this boy stood up for me. It was completely bizarre because no one has ever looked at me the way Justin did. From the first day, I could see clearly how amazed he is about every little thing about me. He was the first person whom I kissed, who saw me naked and I didn't mind at all.

The three of us always sticked together. For a few months Justin was just my best friend, but then I started to get feelings for him. Turned out that he had feeling for me since the day he defended me. So he asked me to be his girlfriend. I remember how that felt like the best thing. Finally, everything seemed okay in my life.

But then I started to understand that Emily was never really okay with me and Justin dating. I guess, I was just too blindly in love with him to see that, so she started to talk and hang out with us less. After a few weeks, also Justin couldn't really find time for me anymore.

And then, this one day, I decided to go and apologize to Emily because she was my best friend and I owed that to her.

Her mom gave me a small smile and let me in. She told me that Emily is in her room but that Justin is there with her. At first I was confused but then I just told myself that they are friends too. When I was about to knock, I heard these weird sounds. It didn't took me long to understand that it was moaning. It felt like the whole world just collapsed under me. I already knew, but I just had to see it as well. So I opened the door and I saw Emily in her underwear and Justin without his shirt. I couldn't really move at that moment. When they finally saw me, I was already in tears.

It took all of my strength to start to run like I have never had before. Emily gave me a sad look and whispered "sorry".

I ran home, and surprisingly my mother was standing there like she was there all this time, waiting for me.

"Where have you been?" She was mad.
I couldn't really talk, so I just kept crying.

"Oh, you are so fucking pathetic! Why did I even kept you? Since the day I first saw you, I already knew that you're gonna be an embarrassment. I've hated you ever since. All you do is cry, and run to your dad. You're just a piece of shit, not my daughter." She claimed that all at once. Those words I will remember forever because they've been eating me this whole time.

"Oh, let me guess. You finally found out, didn't you? How stupid could you be for not knowing that they had you fooled this whole time? They never were your friends! I mean, look at yourself. How did you believe that they actually cared about you even for one second?" She was laughing in my face. I couldn't believe what she was saying. After all, she was my mother.

"You knew?" I yelled. That moment I couldn't describe the hatred that I felt towards her.

"Of course I knew. I saw them kissing in the park three weeks ago. I just wanted to see you exactly this miserable." Before I could understand what I'm doing, my hand was in the air, and after that against her face. The sound that came after that, made me satisfied for a second. But when I saw the look in her eyes and how her body was shaking in anger, I knew I had to get out of the house, and as soon as possible. Without looking back, I started to run. Again.

I ran but I had no idea where to. When my breath got lost somewhere in my throat, I finally stopped. I looked around but I had no idea where I am. I took my phone out and with shaking hands dialed my dad. He picked up almost immediately. I can't really remember what I said to him because my whole body was in complete shock. But I will never forget how much pain and anger was in his voice, and how he said that he's going to immediately leave his work and drive as fast as he can to get me. The last thing that he ever said to me was "I love you, baby girl".

I didn't say it back.

My last words to him were "I hate everyone!"

That night I spent in some park, sitting and waiting for my dad to get me. But he never did.
Around two in the morning, I fell asleep and when I woke up, I knew that something was definitely wrong. So I ran, and I ran. When I finally found my home, it was empty. The only thing that was here was a note, written by my mother, saying that I needed to get to the hospital.

There I found out that my dad has gotten in a car accident because he ignored the red light.

He died because of me.

At first I laughed at the doctor but then I saw my mother crying. I've had never seen her cry. And then it hit me, and I knew that it was true.

I've had lost my three most important people in one day.

Since then I stopped caring, I didn't gave a shit about what people thought of me, I became numb. I basically had no reason to live because for my whole life I knew that these three people will always have my back, but then all of a sudden, they were all gone.

Ever since then, my life has been total shit. The guilt, anger and pain that I feel every day is unbearable.

I blame myself for killing my dad. I blame myself for giving Justin a reason to cheat and for Emily to lose interest in our friendship.

Most days I'm just scared. I am now all alone with my mother and even if she doesn't leave her room that much, she scares me.

My head was dizzy when I understood that I'm still standing next to the stairs. I wiped a tear from my cheek and went downstairs.

I ripped the envelope and my whole body started to shake. It was a letter! Letter for me?