The Unusual, Ordinary Girl (A One Direction Fan Fiction)

Chapter Thirteen - Broken

Harry’s POV)

It was getting lighter in the room so I guess the sun was on its way up. I hadn’t caught any real sleep at all. The rejection last night hurt. I understood her though. The thought of any man touching you after almost being raped probably isn’t so appealing. But it was me and I would never hurt her like that. I sat up on the edge and buried my face in my hands, rubbing my eyes as I could still feel the leftovers from my dried tears.

I looked over at Hanna, she had turned around in her sleep and where lying on her back. She begun to move around in the bed; she was waking up.   

“Hanna?” I asked softly. She opened her eyes and looked strait at me. The intensity in her eyes was almost scary. “Please. I know it’s going to be very hard for you to get back from something like this. Please just don’t build walls around you without letting me through the gate.” I begged. I reached out for her hand and grabbed it. I got a little bit response. I lay down beside her again, now we were facing each-other.

“Harry… it’s not that. Sure yesterday was horrible and I was so scared. But for me that was just another bump in the road. I was already breaking apart. I’m always broken…” Tears started to form in her eyes but they stayed there.

“I know. You’re always happy and feel happy but then one day, it all comes at you at the same time.” The surprise in her eyes told me that I had guessed right; we all had felt that at some point.   

“Remember the depression I told you about? That I had after Sebastian death?” I nodded softly, my eyes still not letting g of hers. “It never left. I can be completely happy for one second but then it all comes rushing over me like the water in a shower. I feel so weak. Like my heart is too heavy to carry. Like my arms are too heavy to lift. Every single misery is coming at me at once and the miseries just keep increasing day by day.” She continued to explain. I didn’t know what to say.

“It doesn’t matter what I tell myself. I still feel so weak and worthless. Then I was supposed to meet Eleanor and Danielle a few days ago. Something inside me just snapped then. How was I supposed to measure up to them? They’re so beautiful and smart. What am I right now? Depressed.” 

“We have been over this Hanna. You’re good enough. You don’t have to feel like you need to compete with them.”   

“I keep telling myself that but I don’t think I am. A depressed girl is not good enough, every guy I’ve met have told me that.”

“I’ve never said it.” I tried to make her understand how I really wanted to help her.

“I know. But neither did my ex. Until the day he broke up with me because I was just so sad all the f*cking time.” She started to sound madder now. I didn’t know what to say. I just wanted to make her feel better but nothing I could say would make any difference.

I had one question I wanted to ask her so I took a deep breath and asked her.

“Where does this leave us? Will you ever trust that I’m not leaving you? That I will never leave your side whatever happens?”

“No.” She said and I could feel tears form in my eyes. She broke my heart saying that. Hanna got up from bed and took a few steps towards the door.

“Where are you going?” My tears streamed down and my voice cracked.

“I’m leaving. I’m sorry Harry. I don’t want to… but I have to. I can’t keep doing this. I have to stop breaking down. You don’t deserve it - it’s not your fault so it’s not your problem to solve.” She still didn’t cry but her eyes were red and wet. Hanna put her hand on the doorknob so I got up from the bed quickly.

“Don’t,” was all I could say.

“No one can save you but yourself – and you’re worth saving. It’s a war not easily won but if anything is worth winning –then this is it.” She quoted. “I read that somewhere once and it’s been stuck in my head the past days. It’s only me that can save me. And what I want to win in the end – is you. But that’s something I can only do if I get some time alone to clear my head. To get back to my normal self, like I always do after a break down. “ 

I put my desperate arms around her and she hugged me back. I wanted to never let her go but she pulled away too soon. I kept her eye-contact; I basically stared into her eyes, and I let my eyes beg her once more not to leave me.

“Please don’t call me, it will make it harder. I’ll call you when I’m ready.” She told me.

“Promise?” I closed my eyes and many tears streamed down at once.

“Promise.”

“I love you, Hanna.” I said and pressed my lips against hers before she left through the door. As it closed I fell to the floor. I lay down on my back and stared up to the roof. I couldn’t believe she left me. I wanted to run after her and convince her to stay. But I had already said anything I could possibly say.  

// The Poem is called "Nobody but You" and is written by Charles Bukowski. You should check it out because I think it's beautiful and so meaningful :)