Drowning / SM

Chapter 91

I just break down in tears. In front of him. The one who made my loss.

All what I've been keeping inside of me goes out with my tears. The fears, the doubts, the pain, everything leaves me with the water that flows down my cheeks. That same water I've been drowning in for a long time, while he was next to me, helping me. That's what was happening this whole time, each time I was rejecting him and pulling him away from me, I was drowning just a bit more until I gave in. Until my body and mind couldn't follow me anymore.

His huge hands pull me by my shoulders in his strong and warm arms that surround me by each of my sides, my head buried against his chest.

None of us talks and my sobs are the only noise in the room. He knows how broken I am but has no idea what's going on. I was arguing with him only 10 minutes ago and now he's cheering me up by rubbing my back.

What am I doing ?

I'm doing everything in the wrong way since Cameron let me come back.

I couldn't imagine, even in a million years, that I would be that lost without my daily benchmarks around me.

We stand here, in the middle of the condo, for a moment until he breaks this silence we've been lost in since I started crying.

"Lys..." he says in a whisper with still his chin leaning on my head. "Why are you crying?? I never wanted to break up..." he stops and moves his hands to my cheeks to make me look at him. "I should be the one crying..." he continues with the same whisper.

Looking straight into his eyes, I get lost in them and all I want is to never leave them.

"Because I love you but I can't stay with you." I admit and bury my face back against his chest and surround his torso with my arms. I hug him as tight as I can, only to remember.

Unfortunately, this embrace, as comforting as it can be, is broken by his arms pulling me away. He puts his hands on my shoulders and looks at me, confused.

"Why? Why would you leave if you love me?? Alyssa I don't understand you and you're driving me crazy with all the secrets you hide from me! I won't judge, or blame you, if there's any issue just tell me and we'll figure out a solution together. Alyssa, you're destroying me as much as you're destroying yourself." He says, raising his voice probably because he's losing his patience.

I step back and look down at my feet questioning myself and taking a decision I'll probably regret.

"I don't wanna talk about it now..." I mumble, not raising my head to him.

As soon as these words comes out my mouth a weight leaves my shoulders.

"So- so you're staying? You're staying with me, right?" He asks quickly, and raises my head to him with his finger under my chin.

I nod and a sigh I didn't think he was holding back, leaves his lips that crash on my forehead right before he hugs me tight. My head finds back its place on his chest and I hear his heartbeat slowing down as if it was racing the whole time I wasn't with him. This heartbeat I slept to so many times so much the melody is relaxing.

We stay close to each other as tight as possible in this light silence. No sobs, no shouting. All this heavy atmosphere leaves the condo.