Chapter 90

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A heavy silence falls in the condo but I can't look at him so I just head to the bedroom without saying anything. As soon as I walk away, I hear his footsteps right behind me, following every single move I make.

"Where are you going?" Shawn's voice comes to me and I just put together all my strengths not to break down.

"I... to my parents'... i may go back home..." I admit, almost in a whisper.

When I reach the bedroom's door, I hold out my hand to open it but Shawn grabs my arm and turns me back to face him. He got me and I won't be able to stay strong in front of him.

"What the fuck are you saying??" He frowns, looking at me and then continues. "This is your home. It's yours as much as it's mine! And you're not going anywhere until you tell me what happened so you call me and break up. You literally said that you were coming back, only to ghost me for like 5 hours" he says, not letting go of my arm, he even holds it tighter which hurts me actually, but I don't say anything about it.

Even this skin contact with him makes me feel better and even if it hurts, it calms me down a little. How am I supposed to go back to when I was hating him?

How am I supposed to shut my feelings down not to let Cameron destroy him as well as how he does with me now.

"I told you why I left so why are you still insisting? Just leave it and let me go" I never sounded that harsh to him and talking like that with the one I love, breaks my heart but do I have a choice??

"Because I wanna understand! Everything was going well between us so why would you leave??" He raises his voice and that's when I take off his hand from my arm.

"Everything was going well? Don't you remember the fight we had before the game?? And it was all because of you and your friend. What's her name again? Oh, Allie... you told me to leave you because of her! We had a fight because of her!" I shout back at him from above my small height, trying to seem angry while I hate myself for taking back this excuse to leave.

How cruel am I for rejecting all the fault on him? I get the answer when his face expression changes and his cheeks turn red. He coughs and looks down at his feet... probably holding back his tears.

"Can I get in the room and take my stuff?" I ask after a moment of silence and he nods.

"It's your home, Alyssa... do whatever you want in it." He says while running his hand through his hair and walks back to the living room.

I watch him going through the long corridor, looking down and I feel pain growing in me. I get in the room and pack my clothes and my things from the bathroom.

I don't want to leave this. To leave him. I look at the bed, remembering every time he would wake me up with kisses all over my face and then I would lean my head on his chest. Who would give me a banana and a water bottle if I leave? Who would detail me and tell me every single thing he likes about me? Who would I leave a night to spend time with the girls? Who would convince me to talk to my parents? Who would cheer me up every time I feel low? Nobody because he was the one who used to do all these little things.

I catch myself remembering all the moments we built while I didn't even quit the condo yet. I didn't hear Shawn since he got back to the entry but I already finished packing everything so I just put my bag on my shoulder and join him in the living room. He's sitting on the couch, with his elbows leaning on his knees and his head in his hands.

I can't say goodbye, I won't handle it. But I'm stupid enough to subject myself to that, as I was stupid to come here to get my car back. Yes, I'm stupid enough to want to see him one last time before I erase him from my life.

Or shouldn't I?

I let down my bag down which makes a noise loud enough to make Shawn raise up his head to me.

His bloodshot eyes land on me and pierce me. the little strength that was held within me, vanished as soon as I met his hazel eyes that turned red, those eyes in which I lost myself in so often without being able to look elsewhere.

He gets up and walks to me.

"I'm ready... I'm sorry for what I said earlier" I apologize because even if I didn't think a piece of what I shouted at him, I needed to excuse myself.

That's the least I could do...

I look at him and I detail him... he's handsome, beautiful... what a beautiful disaster.

"No... just stay... I'll leave, just stay here in the condo" he says, his voice cracking which makes my loss.

"It's your home, Shawn and... once again, I'm sorry"

"No matter what you say I won't love you less so keep telling me that you don't want me, it won't change how much I want you. You can shout me to stop wanting you, to stop loving you, to stop needing you... you can shout me this as loud as you want and I won't do it. You're the one who can make me the happiest as much as you can destroy me but it's worth it and you can try to hurt me with your words, to make me hate you, there are way too many good things about you, making the you loving person you are that makes my heart beat. You can't hurt someone only if you want to, you can't even want to hurt someone, you're always trying to make people around you happy, so how do you want me to believe you when you say that you don't love me the way I want you to? How do you want me to believe all the things you said while you don't believe them yourself? You can leave, it's your right but lying won't stop me from discovering the truth. I want my Alyssa back, the one I used to live with, the one I used to think about every single second of the day. I want my Alyssa back because the one you're acting since the call isn't my Alyssa..." he says, looking straight into my eyes.

I made a joke on the fact that I could be the one who breaks his heart after Jenny without the littlest thought to actually make it true... I look at him and all I do is to hate myself even more.

I shouldn't have approached him the first time. Him and neither Cameron.

I want to shout him how much I love him and how I can't handle the fact that I'll live without him because I got so used to him faster than I realized that I love him with every single piece of my heart. I want to shout him how much he's stupid to think that I'd leave him of my own free will, that I can leave him. I want to shout him how much he's wrong to believe all the bullshit I said on the phone. I want to shout him how much it hurts me to see him doubt about my feelings for him. I want to shout him so many things to wake him up but I just break down in tears.

In front of him. The one who made my loss.

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Hi people!!!! What do you think about this chapter???? I cried tbh lol how bad this is ugh

Love you all!!
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