withering leaves ❁ yoonmin

XIII

Yoongi couldn't particularly remember what his stepmother was like. Sure, he had lived under the same roof as her for about five years (from when he was eleven to when he left Daegu for Seoul) but he never really cared enough to memorize her behaviors. According to his aunts on his mother's side, she looked similar to his biological mother but with softer and plainer features but they never described her personality. Perhaps they never really cared to get to know Ji-hyun because of their anger or prejudice.

Kwang Ji-hyun, his stepmother, wasn't a mean or abusive mother. But most of the memories Yoongi has of her are cold and dark and horrible. He remembers the fights his father always had with Ji-hyun. He remembers the lunch bags with carefully written notes she would leave near the front door.

Ji-hyun was an enigma in Yoongi's life. He only ever saw her screaming and crying at home, but she would come to Yoongi's important assemblies at school. She would give him medicine and cook soup whenever he was sick. She would fight endlessly with his father but then give fleeting and tender smiles to Yoongi whenever he passed her washing the dishes. Ji-hyun was a professional chef. She had taken culinary classes in college and was working at a high-end restaurant for most of the day. She had dreams of opening her own restaurant, and the only person who got to taste her own recipes and not something the restaurant made her cook was Yoongi. Yoongi's father was barely at home and ate at work or at a nearby restaurant. Ji-hyun had the perfect life. She had her soulmate, a "son", a good job that she loved, and a nice house in Daegu. But her relationship was miserable, her house filled with memories of a long-dead wife, and being forced to take care of a young teen who wasn't even hers to begin with. She fought with Yoongi's dad, yes. But she never complained about her horrible life.

To Yoongi, Ji-hyun was confusing, two-faced, and the only memory Yoongi's had of a true mother. So when Ji-hyun decided to contact Yoongi for the first time since he left Daegu-almost four years since he left-he didn't hesitate to answer.

The conversation was first full of awkwardness and empty space until Ji-hyun got to the main point of her phone call. She had broken up with Yoongi's father shortly after Yoongi left, and was now living with her older sister in Incheon. Her older sister had a fourteen-year-old child, Jin-hye, who really liked listening to idol music. Jin-hye had asked Ji-hyun to watch the SBS Gayo Daejun with her.

"I was thrilled when I recognized you in one of the rookie groups! I always knew you'd go somewhere with your writing and piano. I'm so proud of you, Yoongi."

"Ah... thanks, Ji-hyun," Yoongi had sheepishly responded, scratching the back of his neck. "Besides Aunt Haeju, you're the only one who knows."

"Haeju... the hairdresser, right?"

"Yeah. Anyways... how are you doing?"

"Well..." there was an audible sigh over the phone. "I'm sure you know I left your father right after you left, too. I'm still working for the same restaurant chain, but just here in Incheon. I'm saving up to establish a restaurant of my own."

"That's cool. Your recipes are really good. Let me know if you open that restaurant, I'll be thrilled to try your food again."

"Of course, Yoongi. Don't change your number without telling me, okay? I wish you and Bangtan Sonyeondan all the best. With that unique music, you'll be popular all over the world, trust me!"

Yoongi chuckled at the gravity of her words. "Of course, Ji-hyun. It was... it was nice to talk to you again." Wow. Such a lame sentence. But to Yoongi, it conveyed enough emotions. He didn't explain his relief at finally being contacted by a family member. He didn't tell her about how lonely he felt at the dorms when all the other members visited their family for Chuseok. He didn't cry and proclaim his joy at finally being told his music was great, that he made a difference, that someone was proud of him.

"Likewise, kiddo. Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year."

Yoongi hung up the phone, feeling lighter than ever before. It was an entirely new year, 2014. He had mended his relationship with his stepmother, and successfully followed his dream of becoming a rapper. Sure, becoming an idol rapper wasn't the most conventional way of doing it, but Yoongi was happy-happier than he had been in a long while. He may have had a broken family growing up but Bangtan was making up for it in ways he couldn't have imagined.

Although the days were longer than what was possibly healthy and his family was the most obnoxious and overbearing combination of people possible, Bangtan and BigHit were family. Like, an actual family.

Yoongi remembers the days when he'd feel overwhelmed and a sunbae producer or trainee would sit him down and have a conversation with him. Or when the muscle aches and cramps became too much to bear and an off-duty stylist Noona would dutifully run to get him some ice or Tylenol. Or when his lyrics tasted like shit in his mouth or his own music seemed dreadful in his ears, Namjoon would show him the beauty in each and every stanza, the genius behind each beat and Yoongi would fall in love with the song all over again.

That was what family did: they made you feel like you were on top of the world. Yoongi found a family with Bangtan. And the family members were being torn apart due to Jimin's hanahaki.

Not the whole family, but each individual person. In fact, Jimin's disease made them all come closer together, supporting one another and strengthening the bonds. But the disease had taken a toll on all of them. Every member's personality and the little nuances that completed them had changed. Jungkook was quieter and studied more than usual. The same went for Taehyung and Hoseok. Seokjin spent more time at the makeup station each performance, as the makeup Noonas had to add more concealer under his eyes. He stopped calling himself handsome at some point. Namjoon spent more time dancing, surprisingly, and less time writing or producing tracks. And Jimin...

Jimin looked like he was about to fall apart. Physically and mentally. His entire body flinched each time he coughed out more flowers and his eyes showed less and less life each passing day yet... his smile kept its blinding vibrancy. He bounced around the rooms like his joints weren't falling apart. He still danced and sang like an angel. He still batted his eyes and begged for more dessert whenever they ate out with the managers.

Jimin would forever be an impossibility to Yoongi. Impossible to comprehend. Impossible to believe. Impossible to stop looking at his gorgeous face, rapidly shifting between pain and sadness and forced happiness and real happiness and so many more emotions within one single, everlasting and yet fleeting moment. To Yoongi, Jimin was impossible to stop loving. Yoongi was in love with Jimin. But Jimin had a soulmate and Jimin was already in love with his soulmate, hence the hanahaki. Jimin would never love Yoongi. It was simply impossible.

Yes, Park Jimin was the true embodiment of impossible.