The Intern // 5 Seconds of Summer

If I Tremble by Front Porch Step

I sit, my arms crossed in front of me as I stare at my luggage bags in front of me. I haven't felt this sad in a few weeks now, really. I've been stressed and anxious but not sad.

I dont think I've been this sad since maybe I left home or when I thought the boys didn't like me. Or knew they didn't. I grew on them like they did on me.

I was seeing the boys for a few hours today and Ashton even offered to come with me to the airport. We've kept it a secret and the rest of the boys said they'd walking around town, hoping to be some kind of distraction.

I didn't really want Ashton to come with me to the airport. Not because I wasn't going to miss him or so it would be an easier goodbye. I just didn't want to see him cry. We quarreled over it in the morning but he squeeze my eyes and very firmly said I'm coming with you no matter what.

"Cmer." Lou says as she stands in front of me, her arms open wide. I throw my phone aside in the bunk and run up to her, hugging her back tightly.

We just stand there a moment in a tight hug. We're roughly the same height but I still rest my head on her should. I sniffle and I feel her tense before rubbing my back.

"Dont cry." She squeezes me one last time before pulling away and smiling at me. "I quite like you, maybe I'll have you work with us again." She nods. "You going to lunch?" She asks.

"I dont think so. I'll wait for you here, yeah?"

"Yeah." She nods. "3:30. Dont forget."

I just nod as she heads out, probably to do some last minute visiting or papers to fill out. I'm never too sure with her.

I lay in my bed and hug my sides as I try to keep myself from crying. There's no doubt I like these boys, especially Ashton. There's no way I could pull of pretending like this doesn't hurt me or that I dont feel anything. I'm not the same cold, harsh person I was.

I roll over the other way when I hear someone knock the door, hopeful that my pretending to be sleeping is convincible. I dont want to see any of these boys be sad. They look so good when they smile.

"Hello?" Luke says into the room and I sigh, assuming they ran into Lou on the way out who told them I was awake. I hear Luke running and then another body crash into the side of mine.

"We know you're not sleeping." Michael says and Calum is chuckling beside him as they all make their way onto my bed.

"We know you're sad." Calum says with a pout and I just nod before rolling onto my back and facing them.

This isn't the time to try and distance yourself. This is the last time you'll get to see these boys, gather yourself.

"Yeah." I mumble but then sigh when I feel my eyes getting watery. "You guys are lame but I think I might miss you."

"What? Ryan has emotions?" Michael says sarcastically but I reach over and punch his arm.

"You deserved that one." Luke says to him but then comes over and pulls me into a hug.

Everyone comes and joins, hugging me. We stay like that for a bit but I sit up quickly and shake them off, the clingyness getting weird.

"Where's Ash?" I say, looking around.

"He's pouting in bed." Calum says. "But we thought cause he gets to see you later..." His voice trails.

"Can you boys go get him? At my request?" I ask and claim and Luke nod, running off like puppies on duty.

I sit there and look at Michael who's just staring down. He has his legs criss crossed in front of him and his hands are in his lap, tweedling his thumbs.

I just look at him and turn to the window but quickly hear a little snuffle from him.

"Mike?" I say in a whisper as I lean over to him, getting closer. "Are you crying?"

"I think I kinda liked making fun of you." He says, chuckling. "And I like your tattoo. Maybe we can get more?" He says, smiling at the slingshot on me.

"I'd like that." I nod and get up, pulling him to red his head on my shoulder and hug me back. "We've had more hugs this past week than we have this whole time."

"Mmm, sorry." He mumbles as he snuggles his head in the crook in my neck.

"Awwh!" Ashton coos as he walks into, a big smile on his face but eyes red and puffy. "This is the only time I would partake in a group cuddle!" He says, jogging over and jumping on the bed.

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"Are you okay?" Ashton asks, his face down in my hair.

We're standing in the airport now, waiting for my flight to be called. Every second is tough and it feels like the air is dry and hard to breath. I guess this is what saying goodbye is like.

We've been standing in a hug position, him smelling my hair and me resting my head on his shoulder. He gave me a flannel of his so I have it bunched in my hands.

"We'll see each other soon. I promise." He kisses my forehead. Its a good thing he's stronger than me cause he's been doing all the talking. "I dont want to say goodbye cause that means its goodbye and I dont want that. I want to see you soon." He nods. "See you soon?"

"Yeah." I say quietly.

"No, we were supposed to do like in your book.,. Uh., maybe 'see you soon' will be our 'always'?" He says, smiling proudly of himself.

"Uhm..." I cough, trying to stifle my laugh. "Not the same context or anything but sure.." I squeeze him. "Thanks for trying to be cute." I shove him playfully and he laughs even though I can see his eyes water.

Gates are closing in 10 minutes for flight 063

The voice seems the be quiet through the whole room compared to everyone else's manic shouting and rushing around.

Ashton and I both just look at each other before I turn away and start walking for the doors.

"Wait, Ryan!" Ashton shouts a as he starts running. I didn't make it far. He runs up and pulls me into a hug.

"I've got to go or -"

"I love you." He interrupts. "I'm gonna come for you, okay?" He kisses my head. "I'll get this figured out right way."