You Don't Have To Read This

Thoughts

I don't get it anymore.

I know I'm ugly on the outside, but am I on the inside?

I'm Selfish. Manipulative. Violent. Don't listen to others. Dumb. Worthless. Drama Queen. And more.

But my friends call me Friendly. Tough. Thoughtful. Smart. And more.

I don't know what to think anymore.

In this church camp I had this summer, we did this activity.

We wrote something we think badly about ourselves. Some wrote left out, lonely, outcast, and more.

On mine, I wrote Ugly.

Now that I think back, I didn't mean just on the outside. I meant on the inside too.

I believed it and I still do.

I've never had a good memory. The bits and pieces I do remember, I've always felt like I'm Ugly, and bad at everything I do.

I don't know anymore.

Whenever I go to think about it, my head ends up hurting, my heart feels heavier, and sometimes I end up crying. I feel like its tearing me apart sometimes, but others, I feel like its the only thing I know for sure.

I'm too afraid to ask for help cause I feel like they'll judge me or start acting with sympathy. Every time I try speaking about it, I get all choked up.

Sometimes, I feel like it would be better for me to just... disappear. I feel like things might actually change, that I wouldn't be ruining my parents marriage and my mom's life. I feel like I wouldn't be that friend that no one cares about but just allows me to be friends with them cause they're too nice. I feel like I wouldn't be a manipulating conniving selfish little bitch.

Sometimes it feels like everything in my being is just screaming at me to kill myself and save the world from the trouble. To get rid of myself and not torture others anymore.

When I'm writing this, my minds thinking over everything, and I'm crying from how true it is.

I need help but I'm too afraid to ask for it. I don't want to bother people and I don't want to waste money on someone who doesn't even help.

I don't know what anymore, but I know I need help.