You Don't Have To Read This

Augh!

*small trigger warning about eating disorders, family situations, violence, major swearing, self harm, plus a few others that you'll have to squint to see*

My dad expects so much of me, too much! And when I dont achieve it, he threatens to take my phone away from me! My phone is the only place I can comfortable write my stories, and writing has been the thing keeping me going since I was extremely young! Then, he expects me to achieve the thing when there is absolutely no time to do so!

Then, the asshole just got into a lecture about how I should set high goals for myself and I had been so angry I just yelled at him, quote "Its not like I had good role models! I mean, you're married to a lady who beats you sometimes!" Then, the asshole had the nerve to ask if he should divorce my mom! No, that is NOT! THE! FUCKING! PROBLEM! The PROBLEM is that whenever she gets drunk, she gets aggressive and defensive!

He just makes me want to punch something and scream and cry all at once!

I mean, neither of my parents ever set high expectations for themselves either! Both my parents could be called drunks as they drink every single fucking day, my dad is married to someone who beats and insults him everytime they drink, my mom is married to someone she calls a narcissistic pig, my dad was barely ever around as he was at his work place out of town when I was young leaving ME (A FUCKING CHILD) alone with my drunk mother, my mom never had a job and smoked, WHAT OF THAT IS HIGH EXPECTATIONS!?!?

And if that wasn't enough, I recently figured out two things that could possible change my life and the way most of my friends view me!

Apparently, from all the signs (not officially diagnosed) I have Kleptomania, which is the uncontrollable impulse to steal and I am Polyamorous (identifying as polycurious/polyfriendly as I've had no experience with this yet since I found out just today) which is where person A loves more than one person, like let's say they love both person B and person C and they want to date both at the same time. So yeah.

Plus, I may or may not be becoming anorexic. Not 100% sure yet, but whenever I eat too much, I just want to fucking throw up, and several times I've gagged while eating.

AND IF THAT WASNT FUCKING ENOUGH! ONE OF MY CLOSER FRIENDS FUCKING JUST STARTED IGNORING ME AND AVOIDING ME WITHOUT A SINGLE REASON!!!!! THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK OF IS THAT SHE LIKED MY BF BEFORE WE GOT TOGETHER, BUT I HADNT KNOWN THAT THEN, AND SHE SAID THAT THAT WASNT THE REASON!!!!!

AUGH! I just want to scream and cry and yell at everyone! They dont explain anything in a way I can understand! They're so close minded!

I can tell I'm bottling up my feelings. Whenever I allow myself to feel it, I feel my chest constrict, my breathing becomes shallower and restricted, tears well up in my eyes, and all I can do is lock myself away. Sometimes I even start hitting myself with all my power (which isnt much, even with me taking taikwando). I'm afraid of what I'm going to do if it gets to be too much. But I can't just tell people, then I'll just seem dramatic and weak.

Honestly, during taikwando, we do this thing called 'self defense grabs'. Person B grabs Person A's wrist or shoulder(s), and does a series of forceful moves against Person B. When we do it, I enjoy the pain of resisting against them. It makes both of us stronger. Sure, it hurts, but that just feels sooo good after a split second.

Anyways, thanks for listening. I just needed to rant. If you have any advice, no matter how long it is after I post this, please just comment it. Even if it's of no use to me, or you think it's stupid, it could help others with similar problems.