You Don't Have To Read This

idk what to put here

I think I've fallen into a rut.

Things have gone so wrong lately.

I have 0 self motivation, all my confidence I've gained is draining away, I'm crying every night, I'm procrastinating so much I'm not even doing my work anymore, and my mom's been getting worse and worse. I'm pushing away my friends and I've kinda stopped actively trying to be in conversations.

Because of my 0% self motivation and procrastination at 1000000%, my grades have plummeted, and I care too much. Yet I cant do shit cause my anxiety is through the roof and my self doubt is off the charts. I can't talk to any adults about anything anymore because then I feel like I've humiliated myself and I start to feel like crying which just ends up making me feel worse.

I haven't been actively talking to my friends, I've been shutting myself out and ignoring everything using videos and I just can't stop.

I also seen to insult myself every chance I get, and my mom's definitely not helping.

Oh god my mom. She's a whole new problem in itself. I love her too much, but whenever she's drunk she becomes an absolute monster. She'll break glasses and dishes and argue about everything. It was the worst last night.

She threw practically everything in my room onto my bed, where my dog and I were. I had to wrap my arms and legs around my dog to protect him from the objects she was throwing, and resist protecting my head so I could protect his. I could barely breathe, because my mom previously made me switch out my normal blanket (sheet) with a heavier one since it's getting 'colder' here. (To others it is, to me it is not). I had to stay in that little corner of the bed due to all the stuff she threw onto the bed, and at one point I thought I might stay awake all night.

Lately, and especially last night, I've been thinking some rather dark thoughts. The list to do it has been getting longer and the list to not do it hasn't changed.

I want to ask for help, but I just can't. I get too anxious, too afraid, too worried, and despite all this I love my mom too much to have her taken away. I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to her, I've tried ignoring her behaviour, I've tried being as nice as possible to her at all times. Nothing works. And if I ever bring up the things she's done when drunk, she won't believe me. She'll say I'm lying.

And don't get me started on things that are her fucking fault. She never takes the fucking blame for anything. Even things that are her fault! She has no logical sense when it comes to taking blame!

And I understand, okay, she's bipolar and has anxiety and all that shit, but honestly, does that really give her an excuse for all this crap? She's been making my life miserable! Every mistake I make, she's there to get angry at me for it! They never focus for more than a few seconds on what I do good, and she barely every even mentions what I do good, but one missing assignment or one little mistake and suddenly I'm in trouble!

Lately, it's been harder to seperate fiction from reality. I've been living so much in my books, with Harry Potter and superheroes and other stuff like that, on videos and websites useful to my books, and even my books, that the real worlds become meaningless to me. It's become void of meaning. I find no reason to be out there. No reason besides the same reasons that are keeping me alive.

Irl I used to be that girl who was always happy and helped every chance she got. Now, I resent helping and being happy is normally forced and a show for my friends. At one point, I hadn't known how to not smile at everything and everyone in existence, but now, I have trouble smiling. Sure, if I meet the eyes of one of my friends randomly, I'll smile, but if I meet the eyes of a stranger that I've never met, most of the time ill either look away or ill just stare until they look away.

My dog is one of the main reasons I'm still alive, but he's getting older. He'll live, at most, until I'm in my 2nd year at college, but even that's a stretch. I'm afraid he'll die sooner, and I can't deal with the thought. Every time I think of it, I start crying and I just feel like my hearts ripped out.

I've been recently allowed the chance to drive (just gotta get my learners permit) and I'm afraid of what I'll do when I can drive. Of the new possibilities and chances.

And then I realize how much I've got, and I feel so selfish for even thinking about this shit. I mean, I have a roof over my head, hot food, both parents, a pet, running water... and I can't stop thinking I'm selfish! Which just makes the thoughts worse.

I want help, I probably need help, but there's no way I'll ever get it on my own. I don't have the motivation, the will, or the chance to really get it. I just really don't want to snap one day. Thanks to my mom, I've grown violent as reactions to a lot of stuff, and the day I snap terrifies me. Because I don't who I'll take with me. Will it be just my parents? Will I honestly just take myself? Or will it be some random strangers in a car crash? Just thinking these things terrifies me.

I don't know what to do.