You Don't Have To Read This

...

I never thought it would get this bad... I never thought things would escalate so bad...

Everything just seems worthless. Why should I keep my grades up? Why should I do this? Why should I care if I'm happy?

Everytime I do something good, think good thoughts, my mind changes it for the worst. It twists it around, makes me feel worse and worse.

Things I used to love doing, things that made me happy, just dont matter anymore. Nothing matters.

Hell, I don't even feel like reading or writing anymore, and those two things are my life!!!!!

I cry almost every night, I fake a smile practically every day, I fight my thoughts every single minute!!

Recently, my thoughts have turned for the worst.

I've been wanting to cut, I've been wanting to steal cigarettes from my mom and smoke, I've been wanting to numb myself with alcohol, and I'm starting to realize I'm fighting a losing battle.

I have to force myself not to cry when people ask if I'm okay, I have to make people believe that everything's fine.

During the day, people have asked how I'm always so happy, and I just always give this laugh, an annoying sound that makes me want to scream and yell and tell them that I am not!

I live behind a mask daily, I've been doing this for so long that I don't even know who I am anymore!!!

I write this to help, and it does, but how much longer will I be able to fight it all!?!?

I try finding things to help. Karate. Church. Friends. Reading. Writing.

Nothing helps.

I don't want my friends to treat me like I'm glass, I want them to think that things will always be okay, but I don't think I can handle it much longer.

My mom gets drunk almost daily now, and just tonight she started yelling about how she hates me and wishes I was never born.

My dad is almost never home, having to go to work at around midnight, and when he is home all he ever does is play stupid worthless games, drink, and watch sports.

My only escape is my phone and my dog anymore, and my mom has been threatening to take him back to the pound, but if he goes back and isn't adopted, then he'll be killed and...

I just can't deal with life anymore. When I tried talking about it with some of my friends, they just said that I should be lucky that I have both parents, a roof over my head, and money for stuff.

I get that their life may be worse, and while I may not know what their going through, they just...

They. Don't. Get. It.

I have to force myself not to hurt myself, whether it's with a knife or my own nails, and even...

Today in CHURCH I broke apart those little plastic cups they serve the juice in, after drinking it of course, and imagined the pieces breaking my skin.

I thought about this in CHURCH for heavens sake!!!!!

When did things get so bad!?!? How did I not realize this before!?

I've been in denile for so long, I've wanted to just be happy, but everything just feels like it's breaking apart!!!!

Does digging your nails into your own skin count as self-harm? Is imagining your own death bad?

I sometimes wonder...

How many people would care if I was gone?

I mean, I push everyone away, my mother has already said she hates me, my dad doesn't see me often anyways, and I barely know my grandparents/uncles/aunts/cousins anymore...

I just want things to get better...

But I dont want people to know I'm not alright...
I can't find the motivation to pull my life together...
I have to fight everything in me just to not curl up in bed with my music blasting high enough to burst my eardrums and take something to rid myself of life...

I first realized things were bad when, walking home from the bus stop, I saw my house and glared at it, fighting back tears! I had to actually force myself not to run from it! I prefer school to being at home!!!!

Every time, at night, when I let myself feel everything I bottle up, it feels like there's daggers in my heart, twisting and churning. It feels like my throat is squeezing in on itself and my lungs burn as they refuse to let in enough air to breath properly.

Then, afterwards, I just feel this emptiness. As if I just can't bring myself to care. And, if I'm lucky, my brain will allow me to sleep before the thoughts come back. Before the numbing disappears. But if I'm not, I'll stay awake and the thoughts will appear again...

They'll come back like a tsunami wave, the warning signs first of them slowly receding, then they'll crash down and come back full force. When I eventually fall asleep, I'll probably have already cried again, and in the morning I'll just smile and pretend everything's alright, that mask on my face prepared for everyone else.

I'm sorry, tonight things just overwhelmed me. I need to share, and I need advice. I can't tell my parents, I don't want my school or house to change. That's not the problem. I can't tell my friends, they'll treat me differently and that won't help much.

Any advice I can use? I'm tired of all this...