You Don't Have To Read This

. . .

I want to die...

I even told my mom...

She didn't care. She said she'd go with me.

I want to die so bad, but then I'd leave my dad all alone...

I dont want him hurting... sure, he's not perfect, but he's always cared for me, even if I couldnt recognize it at the time.

Lately, I've been feeling like crap. I'm stuffed up, I've been coughing and sneezing, I've been getting headaches really often, and everything if fucking sore. I've been apathetic about pretty much everything. I smile around my friends, laugh, but lately I've been quieter. I've been crying a lot more lately too, for no real reason at all.

It still hurts when my mom yells at me. Even though she's been doing it for years. Yelling about how I'm worthless, useless, a whore, a mistake, unimportant, inferior, etc. Sure, I am useless, unimportant and inferior, but I don't want to hear it 24/7.

Lately, she's been angrier and more violent, about the littlest things. Last night, she even banged on the door, a ton, scaring the crap out of me, just because I unplugged her charger and forgot to plug it back in. She wasn't even using it when I unplugged it.

I know her yelling at me shouldnt bother me anymore, but it does. It hurts that she can do this and then just pretend the next morning that nothing happened. That she can still say "I love you" and expect me to believe it. That I still love her, even though I can tell she's toxic.

I want to die. But I'm too afraid of the consequences. But I just want to die. To not be a burden anymore.

I'm sorry...