You Don't Have To Read This

Lacuna

Sorry for the weird title, the word Lacuna just kinda describes how I've been feeling lately. Also sorry I havent been posting. It's just that lately, I've been feeling blank (lacuna means a blank space; missing part).

Like, I feel emotions still, but there's just been this emptiness and blankness and... not-caring-ness? And nothingness in me and I dont get it.

I've also been trying to figure things out.

Like, I'm asexual (even the thought of sex kinda grosses me out(I think)), and I'm pretty sure I'm part of the aromantic spectrum; on it I'm pretty sure I'm akoiromantic (I have a crush but once crush is successfully pursued & evolved into relationship, crush goes away), and arovague (gets crush, doesnt care if pursued(?)), but I'm also (as far as I know) straight
And, like, I get plenty of crushes, but at the same time, after I get over it, I look back and just have to wonder... was it really a crush or was it just a really close friendship that I wanted?
Cause even kissing feels weird to me. Hand holding among friends feels fine, but in a relationship it feels forced. Hugging with friends, sure, if I feel like it. Hugging in a relationship, ha, never. Feels too forced and awkward. I can crush all I want, but relationships just feel too forced and uncomfortable.

Plus, that creates problems. Cause I want to have children that I can name Myself, but I dont want to give birth to one/go through sex to get one. I also want to adopt but at the same time, what if I can't take care of a child? But even my friends say that I'd be a great mom and, just, !%$#.

Not only that, but in everything, I just... can't really... bring myself to care? That's the best way to describe it. I dont care about stuff I should! While i love writing, I just can't find myself caring to do it. While I love reading, I cant do it. While I love taikwando, I. Cant. Do. It.

And that annoys the fuck out of me because, well, i care at the same time! I care too much at the same time as that! And everything's conflicted and indecisive and unsure and I just cant sort anything out!

And, I thought I had gotten better, but now I just want to fucking get rid of this confusion but I cant cause idiot me decided to go and make more friends.

And not only that, but nowadays I cant get to sleep before 1 or 2 in the morning; I'll get 3 to 4 hours of sleep if I'm lucky. Yet I still feel perfectly energetic??? Yet not???? And it's just so frustrating because I want to sleep longer, but the one night I was able to, I felt like shit the entire day, and, just, [frustrated noise].

Plus, whenever I eat, lately I've felt afterwards like I should throw up, and if I dont, I just seem to trash myself (not like the trashing self thing is anything new).

And I want to share this with someone, but I cant! If I share with my mom, she'll tell my dad or use it against me or become violent. I dont want my dad to know for reasons I dont even understand. I can't tell my friends because, well, they have their own problems and I dont want to be a burden on them.

That's why I share this here. But I just dont have the will to tell everything and post it and I doubt I'm even going to post this.

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Okay, so above I had written it awhile ago. Like, at the beginning of the summer awhile ago. Yet I still feel like this!

Although I do have an update on my sexuality and all that. I've confirmed I'm asexual (ace), and I'm starting to think I'm just aromantic (aro). I've never wanted the romantic-ness that comes with relationships; I've always just wanted to be able to open up to someone and hold them close and not feel as if I'm being a burden to them. I want that story-like aspect of friendship, the kind of friendship I see among some of my friends, ome where I can hug and hold hands without the pressure of a relationship. So I'm going to say I'm ace/aro. Cause I've only wanted super close friendships.

That still brings up the baby/child/kid shit. But I'm just gonna do what I do best: procrastinate! Cause I am in no fucking mood right now to think.

I am digging myself into a pit! Every single time things start to get good, I mess it up again!

My procrastination is doing wonders on messing up my grade. I'll be lucky if I'm passing. I can never seem to remember/feel like/care to do my homework and I keep getting distracted from work during class.

I'm pretty sure I'm losing my friends because I've become obsessed with poking them recently and I feel bad but at the same time I cant stop myself when I do. Plus, I 'steal' their stuff, tease them with it, and then give it back (if I remember to)! And i know none of this is justified, and i just feel awful about it, but at the same time, there's just this wall of emotionlessness that i have this year. The thing that upsets me the most is that none of my friends can seem to tell the difference between this year and last year, even though I'm clearly less happy!

I feel awkward and fidgety and I feel like I'm going to explode at everything I know I have to do, but yet I still push it all off and away and out of mind until I'm in trouble!

I don't know what to do. I always feel like I'm either feeling too much of an emotion or none at all. I cant ever work up the motivation to do my work. And not to mention, lately, my mom's been drunk all the time, making her way less than pleasant. She's either angry or upset and she's always complaining!

Plus I just feel like complete and utter trash!!

I need help but I cant ask anyone for it. I'll either back out on asking or I'll just procrastinate or I'll make up excuses as to why I shouldn't. I need help but I cant work up the stupid ass motivation to get it.

Do you guys have any advice? Anything that can actually work?

Cause, while writing this helps some, I still bottle my emotions up to the point where I write in this when I'm about to explode. Or when I've already snapped and I'm in my stupid ass pitiful state of crying about the fact that I snapped at someone (most likely my dad, who puts the most pressure on me, but is better than my mom).

Sorry if I'm bothering you with this, I just need somewhere to vent. I did tell you guys to not read it... but if you are, and I'm not bothering you, thank you.