it's you [malik]

twenty-two| made love

After the show Niall surprised me by taking me out to a restaurant. A very nice japenese restaurant. He wouldn't even let me pay a part of the bill. I've always disliked when people spend excessive amounts of money on me. It makes me feel like i'm dependent on them and I hate that because people aren't permanent.

"We could've just got takeout." I say shoving some overpriced sushi on my mouth.

It was kind of a lot. We went right from the arena to this place and there were fans and paparazzi everywhere. Not to mention the fact that I am extremely under dressed. I don't want to sound ungrateful but I hate last minute plans and I just want to be laying in a hotel room.

We left around 12:30 after we finished our meal (which ended up being free because the lady who managed the place was a huge fan of Niall's) then went back to the hotel.

"LOVE TO FEEL PERCUSSIONNNN" Niall sings along with the movie Pitch Perfect. The fact that he knows all the lyrics combined with his awful dance moves has me doubled over laughing.

"Oh my god lay down. My poor eyes." I laugh covering my eyes.

"No one can be as good of a dancer as you Alana no need to be rude." He says pretending to be offended.

"Tough love." I smirk watching as he returns to his previous position next to me on his bed.

We got in his room and took 20 minutes to find something to watch. The hotel has absolutely the worst channels plus everything was in Japanese. So we were lucky to find something that was decent and in English. We aren't really watching anyway. We have both been equally annoying and entertaining the shit out of each other all night.

I'm actually really glad i decided to spend this time with him. We really needed this. Really. I feel like I was kind of forgetting him because I've been occupied with Zayn. But all night hes just been so sweet and funny and him its like i'm falling for him again.

"I missed you" I say moving closer to him.

"I missed you too." he says then i feel him plant a kiss on my forehead. We just lay quietly enjoying each others company and warmth until i hear him giggle.

"What's that for?" I asked amused and confused.

"Its funny y'know. I see you everyday and we can still miss one another." he states

It is find of funny. But its my fault. I haven't been wanting to spend actual time with him because I always feel horrible about the whole cheating situation. It's already bad that Brook used him to make us famous but now, me being unfaithful is even worse. Just sitting in front of his face acting like everything's perfectly normal. This isn't like me.

"It's my fault." I mumble against his chest feeling my eyes well up with tears.

"What? No." He says. Yes, I'm cheating on you.

Get it together Alana. Not now. This isn't the time.

"Im such a horrible girlfriend." I sob uncontrollably. Remember when i said i'm bad at handling my emotions? Yeah.

"Nonono. Alana, Its not your fault. I get it. You've been busy." He lifts himself from under me. "This is your job and its the first time you've ever done anything like this. I should be more understanding of that." He says pulling me into his arms cradling me.

Why does he have to be so fucking caring? He's making this 10x harder. I just let myself get comforted by him. I feel like a child that just had a nightmare. But unfortunately I don't have that luxury. Im living the nightmare.

"Im sorry for ruining our night. I'm just stressed." i say sniffling and wiping my tears away.

"You didn't ruin the night, babe. We just had a little moment. Don't be so hard on yourself." he says softly.

Hes such a good boyfriend. And i treat him like shit. I wish i could just be honest and tell him about Zayn but I'm so scared to hurt him.

"I don't deserve you." I mumble removing myself from his embrace.

He responds by shushing me then pulled me back to him for a kiss. Our lips don't break as he shifts to hover over me. He pulls me closer using one hand to prop himself up and the other to wrap around my waist.

He kisses me so tenderly and with so much passion its truly shocking. I guess I'm just used to you-know-who. With him its lust and all about pleasure and fun. But Niall is intense yet graceful. I've never had this.

It was slow and sensual. He took his time using his hands to gratify every square inch of my body. He seized every opportunity to kiss me. It was indescribable.

After we climaxed he held me in his arms and we fell asleep together. Well i didn't fall asleep. I stayed awake because my sleep was interrupted by my thoughts.

You see, I wasn't planning on having sex with Niall but I'm glad I did. It wasn't just sex. It was emotional. We made love. We made love and I'm scared. I don't want to love him. I don't want to be hurting the man I love. This whole thing is just a mess and I wish i could go back in time and change everything.

But I cant.