Fight

P. Ten

LUNA
Home. Back in the flat country, well not yet I'm still in the air, but I'm about to land. I tried editing the first bit of my YouTube video, I've never done it, it probably sucks.

I walk over to the school building after I locked my grandparents car. I haven't been inside the school since I last left. 7/8 years ago now, wow. Time flies. It feels like yesterday. I wanna visit my old mentor, she's amazing. One of the best humans on earth. As I enter the school nothing has changed, the colorful lockers, some with stickers on it. I don't think they've ever replaced them; maybe some. A couple kids look at me question. You can tell who are the oldest, feeling like they are everything above the other kids, that's how I felt too in the last year. I take the stairs to the biology class. Through the windows I see the grey haired woman sitting in a chair, the kids on their phone, of course, I wasn't expecting anything else from her. I knock on the wooden door. She smiles when she sees me. 'Guusje!' I smile hearing her enthusiastic voice. 'Ma'am!' I walk over to her and hug her. 'You changed so much!' She looks at me, her hands attached to the side of my arms. 'You haven't.' 'She was my old mentor student,' she explains to the children. I look around the class, I think this is their first year here. 'What are you doing here?' 'I'm home this weekend, I thought why not visit you.' This room hasn't changed much either, some new animal heads, a new digital board. 'You're doing good on the weekends.' 'You watch?' She touches me with her shoulder. 'Of course I do! Everything my children do I watch, no one is on tv except you.' I giggle. True. 'Well thank you.'

***

'This is day 8, it's Tuesday today. I had a fun shoot this morning and a couple of meetings. But I'm getting a sore throat, which is great.' I put my thumbs in the air. 'I thinks it's from the air conditioning of the airplane. I feel bad, but I need to do a quick workout. I'm gonna do a quick 10 minutes ab workout and maybe do short arm workout too. Depends. Maybe not.' I also feel a headache coming. Let's go! I'm excited for this weekend, Nova is coming. Can't wait to laugh my ass off with her.

Posting this photo of myself is a struggle for me. Exposing my body and it's not even that revealing. Something about acceptance?? I'm still learning and I know it will come by time. Baby steps... I look like a happy and confident person. I don't wanna bother other people with my problems (I'm still gonna tell ya though, so if you don't wanna read you need to scroll). I've been through some stuff a couple years back that made me insecure about myself, allot than I already was. I wasn't feeling like myself anymore, like the person who I was before it all. I'm not the old Guusje no more, but I'm slowly finding her again. And I know one day I'll get a big part of her back, but when I don't know. I know there are allot of people who are going through the same thing as me, but I'm not ready to tell the world what it is. I wish I could help others, but I'm not there yet either, so I don't feel like I am helpful. We all do it on our own pace and that's fine. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because this is something I feel like I have to go through alone (I do get help and support from amazing people). I don't care if you think it's stupid that I don't wanna tell you what I've been through, I really give two f*cks about that.
I might have a ¿tight? body, but to be honest I'm not too confident about it. I feel like boys don't like "so many" muscles on girls (yeah boys we do care allot about your opinion, at least I do, sadly enough). I'd rather have a stomach and some more fat, but you have to have a strong body for my job, not that I have a six pack (only a starting one after I did a workout like now). But it's whatever. I love my job and I'm not gonna give it up for some stupid man. He'll have to except me the way I am. But I'll probably always struggle and be insecure with the way I look (periods aren't always helping either), everyone struggles from time to time even the most "perfect" people. I also struggle with things that I can't change and can't make disappear. I have dyscalculia, that makes me insecure sometimes. Calculating something, even the simplest numbers are hard sometimes (great job I choose). Needing it to count on my fingers. And I know more people are struggle with that. Or struggle with something else. We're all so different, that's what makes us unique and special. But we're also so the same in allot of ways. We're all one, one big family no matter raise, religion, sexuality and beyond.
You might be on the down side right now, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know it. Even if you don't see it now. There really is! I'm seeing mine in the distance. Don't be scared to ask for help, it's a good thing, there are people who wanna help you. I'm not gonna let my struggles stop me from what I love doing the most! And it shouldn't stop you either! So I just wanted to share this with you, I wanna be honest with y'all. No clue if it's a messy message, but I think you understand what I mean. Oh and because of the workout it just did I look like a tomato. Xx
And post. I don't think I've ever told people, in the racing world, I have dyscalculia. People working close to me know and that's important. Not that I'm ashamed of it or anything. I tell it when I'm working with some who doesn't know and I'm struggling. I notice myself smiling when a message of Daniel pops up. My heart skipping one beat. Why does he do this to me?

Dani
Today, 7.28 PM

G'day 👋🏼
How is your day going?

Hii
Meetings were good, shoot was fun, only starting to get sick 👍🏼 ugh

That sucks, what's wrong?

My throat hurts, lucky my headache is getting less worse. How was your day?

Good, didn't do much. I wish you were here

😊 I'm going to Barca tomorrow

But I can't be with you there..

Who knows...

Your friend is coming over and there are cameras everywhere

Ugh I hate cameras

Same

We'll see what happens this weekend, are you flying back home Sunday?

Yeah you?

Nope it's girls time after the weekend 😄

You're going out?

Dunno..

Are you gonna talk about boys?

Maybe..

About me?

Maybe..

What do girls do on girls nights?

Don't know🤷‍♀️

Alrighty I see

Hihi
My food is here your girl is hungry

Hungry for what?

😑 bye

Bye ❤️