Pen Beneath The Bush

Eric Cartman's Homework (South Park)

Eric Cartman sat in the front row next to the teacher's chair – just as he told. He groaned as he wondered what Mr Garrison had to say.

"Eric it's been two weeks," Mr Garrison said with his legs crossed in his chair. "I still haven't received your essay on Much Ado About Nothing."

"Oh, I say," Eric said, bopping his head. "I thought I already sent you that."

Mr Garrison brought out a blank piece of paper and stood up. "This?"

"Yeah, that's it!" Eric smirked. "You wanted an essay about nothing and there is it. I think it's worth an A+."

He slammed the paper on the desk and raised his voice so much, his vocal chords strained. "Eric, there's nothing written on the paper."

Eric folded his arms and smirked. It was a shame his friends weren't there to see his genius work. "You see that is my work – much ado about nothing."

"Have you even been paying attention to my classes? Do you even know who wrote Much Ado About Nothing?"

"My balls," Eric chuckled.

"THAT'S IT!" Mr Garrison roared so loud he could be heard in Canada. "You are not leaving this room until you've written your essay."

The sheet of paper that was once in his hand had been slapped down on Eric's table with a pen spinning around. Eric started the homework that he should have completed a fortnight ago. Within half an hour, Eric jumped off his chair and handed the paper into Mr Garrison's hand. "I've finished. See you tomorrow."

Eric had written in the centre of the page:

Shakespeare sucks donkey balls
Reading is for faggots

Kyle's mom is a fat bitch
Fluttershy is the best pony

and anyone thinks otherwise

is a fucking idiot.

Eric scribbled naked women smoking weed and bordered his work with Nazi symbols and dollops of faeces. Mr Garrison gasped. "ERIC CARTMAN YOU GET BACK HERE NOW!"

It was too late. He had never seen Eric run so fast and laugh so loud.