13 days
I take a large drag from the cigarette in front of my mouth and enjoy it for it is the last.
Of my fourth packet.
I keep walking through the dark streets and it starts to rain, a little a first then fat teardrops fall from the sky
It's like the clouds, they feel my pain and are sharing it with me.
I stop and throw my head back letting the water wash over me, quickly soaking my thin clothes
"WHY HIM?!" I scream at the sky letting the emotions bottled up inside me explode in a blaze of fury toward no one in particular.
I get silence as a reply from the empty streets
"ITS NOT FAIR! HE WAS MY EVERYTHING, MY FUCKING LIFE SUPPORT! I CANT LIVE WITHOUT HIM BECAUSE MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS!"
I only pause for breath
"NO ONE WILL CARE! IF I KILL MYSELF NOW NO ONE WILL CARE! I'M IN THE STREETS OR THE SHOP AND I DONT SEE IT HOW NORMAL PEOPLE WOULD I SEE HOW I COULD END MY LIFE WITH CERTAIN OBJECTS! I SEE A BUILDING AND WONDER IF I JUMP OFF THE TOP OF IT WOULD THE FALL BE GOOD ENOUGH TO KILL ME?"
Someone is next to me in a black hoodie
"DONT YOU GET IT?" I yell at the sky again
"I WOULDN'T CARE IF HE SHOT ME OR KILLED ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IM NOT HAPPY EITHER WAY"
The man gently takes a hold of my shoulders and guides me without resistance into a brightly lit shop
A tattoo shop.
"Go on then kill me" I bluntly say with no emotion
He chuckles "I couldn't do that, I'm too soft. Vodka?"
He hands me a large shot of clear liquid which I gratefully take
I down it and look around the small shop
"I want a tattoo" I turn to face the now sitting man
"That wasn't my intentions bringing you in here" he laughs "Business may be slow but I don't drag people of the streets - although that's not a bad idea"
"Seriously"
"Ok then" he raises his eyebrows but doesn't pry
•••••
12.6 days
Paul wraps the cling film round the last tattoo and I suck in air through my teeth
"Sorry" he smiles "all done"
It felt nice to feel physical pain rather than mental for a while, that's why I got so many.
My blank bodily canvas is now extremely decorated.
My right leg, my chest, my back and my right arm are all covered in tattoos
Most of which are Luke inspired.
His name is written about ten times over me; inside designs of the flowers climbing up my leg and over my chest.
"Thanks" I get up to leave and the middle aged man stops me at the door with a question
"Who is this Luke then? He sure is a lucky fella"
I choke up but manage "my fiancé" and walk out
It's now 23:54 and the liquor shop is still open and I walk straight in and buy three litres of vodka then leave
No ID has been asked from me all night
my new hair?
The ring that still rests on my finger?
I realise I've walked all the way home deep in thought
And put my phone on shuffle playing any playlist
'Even my dad does sometimes' by Ed Sheeran starts to blare through the house and I unscrew the top of the first bottle.
It's alright to cry,
Even my dad does sometimes.
So don't wipe yours eyes
Tears remind you you're alive
It's alright to die
Cos death's the only thing you haven't tried
But just for tonight
Hold on
This verse kept me alive and drinking all night for I had put it on repeat.
The phone kept ringing probably with complaints from the neighbours but I didn't care and left it while I sobbed on the fall with a bottle of vodka for a friend.
YOU ARE READING
"I'm Fine" ☠ l.h
Fanfiction"What's it like?" Luke whispered, playing with her hands as they sat there in silence "Hmm?" She turned her head to see the tall boy next to her "Depression, what's it like?" She thought long and hard about her answer, "It's like drowning but... yo...
