"I'm Fine" ☠ l.h

Courtney

2 days

After yesterday the home phone's batteries have been taken out and our car song has been on repeat but I can't get sick of it

It reminds me too much of him and I can't be annoyed with anything he is connected with, apart from cancer -

Fuck you.

My mobile next to me rings and a series of numbers unknown to me pop up, hesitantly I pick it up and swipe right

"H-" I clear my throat and try again "Hello?"

"Is this Courtney?"

Flashbacks to the time he died and the phone call from the hospital come unexpectedly and hit me like a train

"Are you still there?" The lady pipes up again

"Yeah" I breathe "this is she"

"It's the hospital"

Is this a flashback or not?

I'm going crazy aren't I?

"Okay"

"Um you are listed as the emergency contact for a Luke Hemmings that sadly passed a few days ago"

"18" I whisper the number of days

"Pardon?"

"Nothing, what do you want?"

"I was a nurse that regularly took care of Mr Hemmings and he asked me to give a letter to his fiancé once he died"

I grip my phone in two hands

"Can I come get it?"

"I would rather give it to you in person, at your own house"

"Well I'm sorry but I find that rather unprofessional, I'm coming to collect what's rightfully mine"

I press 'END' and run out the door

•••••

I rush into the hospital and realise I didn't get the nurses name.

"Courtney?"

I turn to my right and see an African nurse her accent now evidently clear

"Yes"

She holds out a thick envelope "Sorry for the confusion earlier, it was my lunch break and I thought that it would feel more personal..." She trailed off

I take the letter and carefully shove it into my back pocket

I take a step forward and embrace the kind woman in a hug

"Thank you" I say into her shoulder

I hear her sigh in relief "Thank you"

Tears start to leak out of my eyes and wet her nurses uniform

"Oh shit, sorry" I pull away and see the small wet patch on her shoulder

"It's absolutely fine my dear" she smiles "I'm afraid my lunch break is up now though and I must be going"

"Thank you again and I'm sorry for being so rude and stubborn on the phone earlier"

"Don't worry about it" she places a hand on my upper arm and leaves

I turn on my heel and walk as quick as I can out of the hospital straight to my car. I get in and turn the key in the ignition for the A/C to come on

If it means a lot to you plays softly in the back ground as I grab the letter and carefully rip it open

I pull out three sheets of paper, folded. On the outside of them are three sentences

'Not quite yet!'

'Best for last'

'Pick me first'

I go for the last one and open it:

'My dearest Courtney,

That doesn't quite do you justice. But I have always wanted to write that, well I've never actually written a letter so there will probably be mistakes. But first!

My amazing, imperfectly perfect fiancé: Courtney,

That's a little bit better maybe a bit cheesy though, oh well you've always liked cheesy.'

I'm already crying and the song in the background isn't helping

'I bet your eulogy was really cheesy, like you. I'm kidding I love you babe! Even in your glorified cheesiness states :-)

Normal people would think this letter is going to be all about me asking you to not be constantly sad and date other people, move on with your life. I'm not going to ask you of something that big because quite frankly it kills me inside (pardon the pun ;-) ) to imagine you with someone else, to imagine you happy with anyone but me and I am legally your fiancé so...

No but seriously, it's really selfish I know but don't date anyone else for at least a week. It would hurt me if I knew that you got over me that quickly.'

I laugh, if only he could see me now.

I'm a wreck

'But really my main reason for writing this letter is to complete my bucket list and live with no ragrets. I'm laughing now by the way.

You should be too.

One of my biggest 'ragrets' is never telling you the truth about you on that day at my house when you told me everything you love about me, I never finished my lot of everything about you.

Okay so I've already said:

-When you find something funny you squint and the skin at the edge of your eyes crinkle

-When you're confused you furrow your eyebrows so it looks like you're frowning and if someone didn't know you as well as me they would think you were angry

-How cute and buttony your nose is

And then at the fair I also said about how you can read my mind which is awesome.

But here is the rest of the list:

-Your black vans, the ones with the white edges that are real and the only pair of 'designer' shoes you own; so you wore them everywhere.

-Your taste in music and how it is so similar to mine so there was rarely any fights over music choice in the car

-The fact that we hardly ever fought and if we did it was because of something stupid I did

-How you didn't get very jealous, unlike me. You got annoyed enough to show me you cared but you trusted me enough that I would stay with you and not scamper off to some slut

-Your big brown eyes that are so dark in some lights it seems like you don't have a pupil

-The way you spoke: sophisticated and clear

-You always put up with my stupidness and cheesiness and idioticiness

-The way you always understand my speech even if I make up words like the example above

-How you visit me every day without fail because it's so boring here but when you come in the blank, white walls become alive with patterns and colour just from your aura of being here

-The way you're also just a big kid like me'

"Well how you were" I mumble

I fold up the unread letter and drive home to finish reading it.