Valorous (Book Three)

Chapter: 14

DAY: 129

Winter Soldier

I overheard them talking, but I didn't catch the whole conversation. I stood back from a distance and watched as Steve hugged Lark. The whole sight of it was sort of painful, but then again so was getting shot in the arm.

Steve suddenly pulled back, Lark collapsed and he caught her before she could hit the floor. Banner ran over, I stepped out of hiding but froze as Steve lifted her up from the ground into his arms. Both him and Banner hurried back. Natasha stood watching, but she lifted her hand up to the com link in her ear.

"I understand." she said. "I'll see what I can do."

She turned around and stopped in her tracks when she saw me.

"Bucky, what are you-"

"What happened?" I asked her. "What's going on?"

"Aether attack, they're taking her down back to the infirmary."

"An Aether attack? They're sure?" I asked her.

"Banner, are we positive on the Aether?" she asked, pressing her finger back to her ear. "She's showing the same signs she did a few months ago when it started. The whole, grey smudges thing on her arms. She'll be fine though, Banner's here so we can handle it."

Natasha walked, almost passing me by, but I grabbed her arm and stopped her.

"What else?" I asked her, staring straight ahead.

"What do you mean 'what else'? That's everything." she said, I could hear the fear edging in her voice. I was scaring her. "I just told you everything, I'm sure you saw most of it from the shadows." She tried to pull her arm away but my grip tightened and I pulled her back.

"If it involves Lark it involves me too. Life or death."

"I thought you two weren't on speaking terms, really seemed like you were gonna leave her."

"Just answer the damn question, Natasha. I'm not in the mood for games."

"You really want to know?" she asked, she pulled her arm away and turned herself in front of me so I had to look down. "You really want to know why I'm avoiding eye contact, why I'm trying to keep things a secret from you? Because you're an asshole. You've been hiding out in the shadows and remaining silent while Lark's been fighting depression, physical and emotional pain all on her own. You left her there by herself when she needed someone the most. When she needed you the most, Bucky."

"She doesn't need me for anything. She's been blocking everyone from helping her, I'm giving her the space she wants." I said.

"How do you know that she wants space? How do you know what she wants? You're not Lark, you don't know what she'd said when you're not around, you don't know what she's asked for or cried about." Natasha was becoming defensive. "Lark has needed a friend, a person close to her and where have you been? You've been hiding, in the dark, locking yourself up and telling people to piss off. I've been helping her. I've been there for her. I've been the one to change the bandages and help her eat. She won't eat, Bucky! Dammit she won't take care of herself and you're off brooding in the rain. She needs you."

"You're not answering the question, this isn't telling me anything about what just happened and what you're hiding."

"You don't deserve to know anything!" she shouted at me, her voice echoed around us. "You don't deserve her, you don't deserve to know her or even look at her. And I'm surprised that it has taken you this long to even realize that you've hurt her and you've hurt all of us. She's in pain and she wants to end it. She hates what's happened to herself and she hates that it's driving a wedge between you two. She feels too much hate right now, she needs to feel something else besides sadness and pain and depression. I'm going to go help her, get her well again so she can survive all of this bullshit. You can either stand here and feel sorry for yourself or get your ass in that room and comfort her." She stepped back and walked away, the heels of her shoes echoed through the garage. 

I stood there, staring at the floor, unsure how to react. Part of me hating myself and the other regretting everything that I'd done to Lark. She was hurting because of my actions and hurting because I couldn't keep her safe, and it's all my goddamn fault we're in this mess. The last thing I wanted to do was make her hate and loathe herself, I didn't want her to be surrounded in so much darkness that it ate her alive. It wasn't right.

Then I heard footsteps approaching me quickly, Natasha marched right up to me.

"Come to make me hate myself more?" I asked her, folding my arms over my chest and tilting my head up to look at her face, she was biting her lip.

"No, but there's something you need to hear." She stepped closer, keeping her voice low and posture stiff. "Lark will kill me, but you deserve to at least know that she's sick. She's very sick and we're not confident she's going to make it very long. We can't prolong anything anymore."

As soon as she told me I had to go see Lark, I had to find out the truth for myself, for my own eyes. I passed Banner and Steve on the way down as they were both coming back up the ramp. Neither of them seemed to care in the direction I was headed.

My feet carried me down to the infirmary and I almost ran right past the doorway. I could see Lark laying there on the cot, a blanket laid over her still body. Her face was calm and quiet, her breathing steady and relaxed. Her hands were right beside her face, a lead was taped to the back of her hand. There was just a small monitor beside the cot, something Banner brought with him I suppose.

I sat down on the floor beside the cot and took her hand, running my thumb over her knuckles. I shouldn't have been able to feel them so distinctly.

Since I had started avoiding Lark I had taken to coming by at night just to keep an eye on her while she slept. She was always so quiet and so still that it let me admire her beauty and memorize the scars and freckles over her cheeks. Even now, looking at her, listening to her breathe, through the burns on a single side of face I could still see everything I loved about her. It was my job to protect her, it had been from the moment she was shot on the beach. No, it was my job before that. When I first laid eyes on her that rainy night. When she saved my life. There was so much guilt piling up inside, it was overwhelmingly high. I wanted to apologize to her for everything, for all the wrongs I'd made and all the terrible things I'd said to her.

I eventually fell asleep with my back to the cot, listening to her breathe gently and the silence of the room. I had forgotten how much at peace I felt when I was in her presence. Something about her calmed my restless soul and got my mind to settle. It was this feeling of calm that made me want to protect it, to protect everything that was her and is. She made the storms calm and the winds hush, a mere glance made this old heart of mine feel safe and honest. I couldn't let her go without telling her that, she deserved to know that I cared and loved her to no end.