Valorous (Book Three)

Chapter: 15

DAY: 130

Lark

I woke up to find Bucky sitting beside me with his back against the cot, his head tilted back slightly, but turned towards me. I sat up against my elbow and brushed hair back from his forehead, he exhaled softly, his brow relaxing. It had been too long since I'd seen him so at peace and relaxed, and even longer since I'd seen him resting. Just as soon as I thought I could enjoy it too, he woke with a sudden start; sitting forward, rubbing his eyes and taking a few anxious breaths. 

He glanced around the room and then turned to look my way, he jumped when he saw me upright. "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you."

"No, it's alright." I told him. Bucky quickly stood up.

"Go back to sleep."

"Bucky, wait." Bucky headed for the door and I sat up, pulled the lead out of my hand and grabbed a hold of his arm. The second I did the room spun for a second and I just about lost my balance, but I kept myself standing as Bucky turned around and looked at me, his arm steadied my waist.

"I'm fine." I tried to tell him.

"No you're not. You need to rest." he said, I could see a look of worry on his face and I knew that something was bothering him.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I'm sorry." he answered.

"For what?"

"Everything." he told me. "I've been a real jerk, especially these past few days. You needed me and I've been off brooding."

Bucky avoided looking at me directly. He was ashamed of himself. I could see it. It was obvious. To be honest, Bucky admitting that he felt terrible about himself about how he treated me made me feel better about myself. Though he had hurt me in some way the wounds were healing with his apologies. The way I almost wished that they would be.

"Yeah you were a jerk. But it doesn't matter anymore. I've moved past it."

"Why doesn't it? After everything you've been through and seen, you should hate me. I've done a lot of stupid things and hurt a lot of people. I made a promise not to do that to you and I broke it."

"I can't hate you, Bucky. It's not in me to." I took his hand and pulled him back into the room, back to the cot and made him sit down. "After everything that you and I have been through, it's impossible for me to look at you as a man hellbent on making everyone miserable. You have your ups and downs but none of that makes me hate you."

Bucky didn't respond, he shook his head at himself, hanging it low for an instant as he fell into his thoughts. I frantically tried to come up with something to distract him, to change his way of thinking. And then: "You know, Natasha said you were dying. She said the Aether was killing you, and that's why I'm here."

I stood there in silence for a moment, a little perplexed until my mind wrapped around Natasha's thinking. "Why did she tell you that?" I asked him.

"I saw you collapse into Steve. They were in a panic and Natasha was grey."

"What am I doing right now? I'm standing in front of you, right? I'm not dying. I'm getting better. Natasha lied to get you down here. I'm surprised you weren't able to see into her plotting."

"She plotted this? Why? What for?"

"There's things you and I need to talk about, she knew that you and I needed a heart to heart."

"What things?" he asked, Bucky stood up with a newfound sort of worry. "Lark, what's going on? What things'?" he asked me again when I didn't say anything. What is it? What's wrong? Why are you shaking?"  Bucky reached out to me but I was shaking too harshly for him to ease the anxiety, he even seemed to sense that his touch wasn't enough at that point.

"I'm pregnant." I lifted my eyes to his, finding them glassy and distant. I didn't know what to do or if there was anything at all that I could really do. 

Bucky dropped, sitting on the edge of the cot, then he looked up at me suddenly; more worried than before, "You're pregnant?"

"Yea." I nodded and curled my hands into tight fists, knocking them at my thighs.

"How long?" he asked. "You're sure? How do you know?"

"Banner was making sure my body was healing properly, he found the little peanut when he did a full body scan." I shook my head and then took a deep breath. "It certainly explains my inability to keep anything down and the ache in my breasts."

"Oh my god, you're pregnant." He stood and pulled me tightly into a hug, exhaling a sharp breath. It caught me off guard and wasn't sure if he actually intended to do that. "Holy shit. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Because I was scared. You weren't talking to me and I thought that you'd hate me or you'd just avoid me even more. It's not the best timing."

"I don't think perfect timing. exists for us." He pulled back, holding me at arms length. His eyes drifted over my body and stopped at my mid-drift. 

"You're not mad?"

"No, I'm not mad." He shook his head and pulled me closer. "I'm just frustrated with myself, should have been more responsible."

"Anything can happen when you screw around with a super soldier." I nodded and bit my lip, feeling an overwhelming sensation to cry.

Bucky leaned in and placed a sweet kiss on my forehead before once again hugging me close to his chest. "It's alright. I'm not mad at you, I promise."

"It's not that." I shook my head and turned my head back. "I wasn't expecting you to react this way."

"Are you kidding? I've wanted a family for so long. It's happening a lot sooner than I expected." He tilted my chin up and kissed me. "Don't get upset about it, alright? I'm going to try to be there for you more, I won't be a jerk again."

"But I know you can't promise that." 

"I can only try to. No one is perfect." Then he grinned and poked my belly suddenly. "That's our kiddo, I'm not going to let anything happen to either one of you for the rest of my life."

"I know you can promise me that much." My arms tightened around his waist and I rested my cheek to his chest. Bringing his child into this world was terrifying, and definitely not on the original agenda, but I didn't have much of a choice now. 

I wanted a family too, and as soon as it was happening, I thought I would have passed out into a coma. I wanted this with Bucky, but I was so scared that something bad would happen or I'd be forced to do other things. I also had to worry about the how safe it was in the world and whether or not I was prepared to be a mother. There was no right answers, and no handbook for me to check things off a list. We were flying blind but Bucky had my back and seemed to really care about the sudden change. His support was what I needed so badly such a long time ago.