Don't Stay Where You Don't Belong (Harry Styles Fan Fiction)

Chapter 10 - Mouthful of Regret

Chapter 10 - Mouthful of Regret

Grace

I heard the birds chirping as a sign of what I assume is the start of a new day, which normally wouldn´t bother me, but right now I hated it. I hated the happy birds chirping away at the start of this shit day I had to face. I wanted so badly to go back, before I heard what Harry really thought of me, before my last glimpse of hope that I wasn´t totally unlovable, helpless, and useless was shattered. His voice rang in my head, yelling those same words out as if he said them to me last night.

Poor. Worthless. Pitiful. Homeless. 

Those four words. There was no escaping it, the reality that came to be my life. I guess the two weeks I spent with them was just merely to show me what it was like to be happy, and it would obviously be taken away from me like everything else that´s ever made me happy has been. I just have to accept that this is my life, and I can´t ever expect to be happy. In fact, being happy for me is a burden, because anytime I´ve ever been happy; something has to happen to make me miserable. A million times more miserable than I was before I was temporarily content with my life. Clearly I wasn´t meant to feel that way, and I´m okay with that. I promise myself to never try and be happy, or accept any more offers or help from anyone that could ever show me even a glimpse of satisfaction, the pain that follows isn´t worth it. There was a reason I didn´t want to let Harry in, and that gut instinct was right. 

After laying down in that tube consciously aware of my surroundings, I was dreading facing the fact that I´d have to get up. That I had woken up from my sleep and my life is still a mess and I have to deal with shit again. I sat, bumping my head on the top of the plastic cylinder tube that was warming up due to the sudden appearance of the sun in the sky. I sighed, rubbing the top of my head, groggily opening my eyes. I am not looking forward to today. I had to somehow muster up the courage to show my face back the boys apartment to get my stuff. And even though I dread it, I can´t be weak and come back looking like a mess, even though they see me that way anyway. One day I´ll prove everyone wrong; my parents, my sister, Sebastian, the boys, Harry. I am going to amount to something someday, I will become a better person- somehow I will get by. I need to get passed this, and even though I won´t be happy, I can at least seem it from the outside. At least..

I slid out of the plastic tube and made my way out of the jungle gym part of the park. I looked at the clock that was situated in the middle of the playground with benches for the parents to watch over their children as they play, careless and free. With nothing to worry about. I´d give anything to have that bliss again. But obviously life is not fair and we can´t all have what we want. Only a few have that privilege, and somehow I have a feeling even those who do get everything they want always seem to want more, never content. Desire. It´s a never ending cycle in this world. I sighed, squinting my eyes to read the clock, which said it was a little past six AM. Well, I obviously can´t go back to the apartment now, they´d all be sleeping and the only way to get in would be if they opened the door. I don´t think I´m emotionally ready to face them, or really Harry, just yet. Not this soon.

I kicked some rocks on the concrete as I made my way over to the swings to sit down, leaning my head against the cold chains and resting my hands on my lap. I closed my eyes and thought about my life before I decided to leave home. I wonder what it´d be like if I just stayed, maybe if I tried to change my ways for my parents instead of being my stubborn self. If I would have tried to reach out to Sebastian, even if he didn´t want to talk to me at first. If I just tried to change for them. I´m always the problem, and I know I am, so why can´t I just change myself? Why can´t I just be better? Why is is so hard to meet other peoples expectations...