Marbles (studxstud)

Chap 18: Is she for keeps?

It was a week later and we were back home. Cam kept mean mugging me since I fell asleep on her during sex. I wouldn't say it was during you know? I came so hard I guess I just knocked out. OR maybe that's just what I want her to believe, I heard when she told me that she loved me and me being the anxious dickhead that I am couldn't spit it back out so I did what any rational person would do in the moment.. fake falling asleep after a bomb ass orgasm.

"CAM!" I shouted from the kitchen. I was making breakfast and if I didn't leave soon I'd be late for my appointment with Dr Stone.

She appeared in the kitchen fully dressed in her formal work attire. She took her plate and sat silently at the island eating her food.

"Come on babe, you gon' be mad forever? I said I was sorry.." I said kissing her jaw and poured her a cup of coffee.

"I heard you. I plan on buying a bigger strap on.. you down?" She said sipping her coffee.

"For what?" I replied choking on my toast.

"To fuck your brains out.." She said with the most serious expression ever, I died.

"Woah woah woah can we take it a couple notches down please? Ain't nobody fucking me with a huge strap plus what's wrong with the one we got??" I said downing my glass of water.

She shrugged her shoulders and said, "let's go."

I dropped Cam off at work and went to see Dr Stone.

"You look nice," I said to her sitting down.

"Thanks, I'm only here because of you. I should be home taking care of my little baby girl Tiana." She smiled.

"Her name sounds close to mine." I blushed.

"It is, you've been with me for so long I can't help but feel like you're my greatest accomplishment. I'm glad you haven't given up on life and on me and I'm so proud of you for that. I'm taking you off the depression pills because I see that Cam is working magic on you. I'll keep prescribing the anxiety pills but I'll lessen the strength." She said getting up and pulling out her notepad and giving me a hug.

I hugged her back and I felt a tear fall from my eye, which I quickly wiped away.

"So how's your mom?" She asked sitting down and pulling a blanket over her lap.

"She's been good, I've been visiting her more often. I finally told Cam about her real situation and oh I went to Jamaica for two weeks, just came back last week. While we were there Cam and I were you know going at it like rabbits and she told me that she loved me but I chickened out and now she's mad at me because she thinks I fell asleep on her but I really just faked it because I wasn't sure what to do. I don't know if I'm being honest with myself." I sighed and stared down on my hands.

"Hey, it's okay to feel scared.."

"I don't know if I even love myself, how am I going to give her the pure hearted love that she's been giving me? She's so good to me and I don't want to lose her, I feel like I'd go right back to point A if I lost her." I said choking on that goddamn ball that forms in my throat whenever I was going to cry.

"You don't have to love yourself to see that others are loving towards you, I've seen persons love themselves through the love that others give them. If someone comes along and shows you your worth, why deny them the feeling of being loved back? Nobody wants to just have the person love them but they want the person to be in love with them. They want the person to be whole hearted and be happy with them. The person you've described Cam to be, she sounds like she'd do the world for you, maybe get water from the moon if it would get you to see how special and worthy of love you are. Loving someone or something else would teach you how to love yourself, if you know what you are worth then you at least have an idea of what self love is. No one is pressuring you or forcing you to love Cam just because she loves you, I'm forcing you to be true to yourself and if you are going to completely break down if you lose Cam then that should mean something to you. The world is a cold place without love and you're hurting Cam."

"I don't want to hurt her, I feel like she'd be better off without me." I said between sobs.

"But would you be better off without her?" She asked me.

I shook my head knowing fully well that I'd be a mess without Cam, "but I think majority of the time she's hurting and I'm just confused."

"You just said that you won't be better off without her so what's stopping you from loving her back?"

"Because I don't think I'm good enough." My hands started shaking and I was trying to catch the tears before they fell. Dr Stone pulled me in for a tight hug and I knew I was ruining her cashmere.

"Cam won't make you feel whole, you have to feel whole all on your own and then Cam will be the spark to your match and you will burn the world down together. If you make your anxiety prevent you from feeling for her what she feels for you then she'll be the one feeling like she isn't enough and you'll feel like you've failed when really you just allowed the best thing that ever happened to you to walk out of your life with no fight and we don't want that to happen." Dr Stone said.

"You have accomplished so many things in your life, you continue to excel in what you put your mind to and you've proved to be the best at what you do so what's stopping you from loving yourself? What's stopping you from seeing that you are magnificent and worthy of everything you've accomplished and will accomplish? Your past might be influencing you that you're not good enough because the people you wanted to see you didn't see you but look at who you have now, it's time to let go and be happy." She continued.

"You will continue to count your flaws but I hope you save some space for your strengths and don't ask why she loves you because you'll hear one million and one reasons of why she loves you not even the stars could match the beauty and the sincerity, instead tell her how much she means to you and then you'll see that you really do love her despite your feelings of being held down. You need to start accepting and projecting. Accept that she loves you and that you love her and then say it, shout it if you have to." She wiped the tears from my face with a tender smile on her lips.

"And then you'll realize how free and weightless you are because not only will you be giving love to her, you'll be giving to yourself." She said softly.