PTX One-Shots

To know [KATT]

Matt's P.O.V.

I'm pretty positive you have no idea what you do to me. Every time you look at me, every time you talk to me, every time you laugh, every time you sing. Or maybe you do know, but you don't know what to do with me.

All I know is that I hopelessly fell for you. And that I'm too shy to tell you, too scared, too freaked out by my own feelings. I know it's wrong to feel this for you. Things could change drastically. Things will change drastically, but I don't know wether they will be good changes or bad changes. I don't know if I want to take the risk.

What if you'll never want to talk to me again. What if you'll run away from me. What if you say the feeling isn't mutual. I don't think I would be able to live anymore, knowing that the love of my life doesn't have the same feelings for me.

You're constantly in my head, no matter what I do. It doesn't help that I see you almost every day. And if there is a day where I don't see you, I don't know if I should be happy or sad. Happy, because that's a day less full of torture, embarrassing myself, seeing you ignore me. But sad, because I like to see you. You're always so nice to me, it gives me butterflies in my stomach, it makes my heart beat faster, it makes me blush, and it gives me the biggest grin on my face that I can't wipe away.

I wish you were mine. I wish we could go on cute dates all the time. We'd be that annoying couple that, secretly, everyone is immensely jealous of. I wish I could fall asleep in your arms every night. I wish I could wake up next to you every morning. But I'm afraid that will never be a reality.

I believe in soulmates. Two persons who are meant to be together. But I'm also starting to believe that a soulmate can be one-sided. You are my soulmate, I belong to no one else. But you, you don't belong to me. Your soulmate is someone else. Someone who you haven't met yet, someone who I haven't met yet and maybe it's for the better that I will never meet that person.

And I, I will be alone, forever. With you on my mind, every day.

Even when the day comes that our ways part. You'll go to a small village, get a big house, start a family. I will stay in the city, even though I hate it there, it's where I won't be reminded of you every day. It will keep me busy, keep my head full, so you can't sneak in. But I don't think it'll work. Maybe on the streets, but from the moment I enter my place, when I'm all alone, you will fill my brain again. I will always think of your smile, your laugh, your presence, your smell, your humor and so much more that I like about you. So, everything, I'll keep thinking of everything about you, because I like everything about you.

But what if I do find the courage to go up to you and tell you how I really feel. And what if you tell me you feel the same. I think about it every day. You seem to give off a vibe that you like me, but as soon as I see you talking to others, I notice you do the same thing to them. You're nice, you laugh, you tell all these stories. All the while I was thinking that I was special, that you only told that to me. I'm stupid, I know.

Friends advise me to go up to you. To talk to you about all of this and to see if maybe something more can happen between us, but I guess I'm too self-conscience. My brain is telling me you're not flirting with me, you're just being nice. My stupid brain says that you talk to everyone like you talk to me, that I'm not special, I'm just a friend.

I'm scared for the day I won't see you anymore. Scared that I will never tell you, scared that I will never get an answer, scared that I will never be able to talk to you anymore and that I will just burst from all these hidden emotions. That controversy my brain is causing is the big problem here: I know I want to talk to you and I know I have to, but I can't. I just can't make myself go up to you and just be like 'so here's the deal: I like you a lot'. No, I've never been that person and I will never be that person. In the beginning I had hope that you'll come up to me.

I don't have to start the conversation, you can, because you're such an extravert. Talking to everyone never seems to be a problem for you; another thing I admire about you. And usually I wish I had that skill, but some people are just more blessed than others in that way.

I just always seem to think everything that needs to happen, will happen at its time. But I realized that sometimes you got to help nature a bit to send it your way.

I don't know if I should tell you today, tomorrow, next week, next month, but every time I tell myself I have to do it, I find a way to postpone it. I know, I should stop that, but my mind won't let me. It keeps saying: 'it's not the right time' or 'you're too busy with other things'.

I guess I'll just have to think of a plan. I always get to hear that we just have to throw a party, get drunk and wake up next to each other. But even the idea of getting too intoxicated and doing something regretful, scares the shit out of me. I wish I had the courage to confront you, but I guess I'll just have to suffer...

For the rest of my life...

I can't sleep now. I keep thinking of your beautiful eyes, your cheeky smile, my favorite memories of us like going to theme parks and going in the rides, sitting next to each other, or all of us going out to dinner, but you choosing to converse with me the entire night, all of it feels magical. But most importantly, I can't sleep because of the stress and the pressure I feel. I have to tell you someday. Time keeps ticking and I can't hide it forever, but you'll hate me, I know it. But I just know that I'll burst if I don't say it now.

It's 4.47 am, and I'll see you in a few hours. Will today be the day? Probably not.

Dear Kirstin, you drive me crazy, and I hope one day you'll know that.