Beyond Old Scars

Meeting My Father

When I wake up it's almost eight in the morning, I knew I had to get up and get ready to see my father, but seeing Lucifer asleep next to me, feeling his body against mine made me feel safe and I didn't want to move. The alarm blared in my ear at nine, telling me to get up; I turn to Lucifer and kiss him awake before I go to take a shower.

Once I'm out of the shower, I hear Lucifer trying to get James' shoes on, she hated her shoes but to see my father I wanted her to be fully dressed. She was wearing her favorite red dress and blue jean jacket. Her little sandals make her look like she is going to church.

We all pile into the car and James starts asking a million questions. "Momma, what does grandpa look like? Is he old? Will he love me?"

"Yes baby, he will love you, who wouldn't?"

Ten minutes later we were walking up his front steps, a new flood of horror waved through me. My fingertips felt numb and I couldn't breathe, that's when James rang the doorbell and my father came into view.

He gestures for us to go inside and we follow him to the living room. I remember these walls, the floor, carpet, pictures, they are all still there; and all still the same. I sit down on the couch and sit James in my lap, Lucifer sits next to me while my father sits in his recliner across from us; he is still in his suit and tie.

"Alice," my father starts "I need to explain everything to you, I saw how angry you were at your graduation and I wanted to say I'm sorry."

"Stop dad, I don't want to hear it; you killed my mother. You, you killed me the day my mother died."

"Alice, you don't understand; you never could" he spoke slowly, like he would scare me off

"I don't want you to explain," I start to tear up but wipe it away before it falls down my face "You lost your daughter the day my mother died, you weren't there for the baby and you sure as hell weren't there for me."

This time my father started to tear up, he shook his head up and down like he understood; only he didn't understand. "Lucifer, please take James out of here so I can speak with my father."

"Yes love, we'll be outside playing" He gets up, kisses me, and then takes James outside, probably into the side yard.

"Now, I want you to listen," This time I didn't stop the tears, I didn't want to "You broke me, all those years ago. You didn't care about me, you didn't even want me! I heard the things you told mom, I remember all those things you told me while you beat me; I remember the day I was called and told my mother was dead, the only thing I thought was that I was glad she wasn't around you anymore.

"You don't realize how broken things are do you?! You don't have to stare at my scars everyday remembering everything, have to hide them from my daughter, hide the tears so she doesn't ask why I'm crying. I don't have a father, my father died when I was born; you are just a man I know that raised and beat me." I'm yelling now, not scared of him anymore.

"Alice, I'm so sorry for the way I treated you. I felt like I failed and I took it out on you, it wasn't right." This was all he said before pouring himself a glass of whiskey, nothing changed.

"Nothing changes with you, never has, and never will," I say trying to calm myself "Goodbye dad, I'll let James come say bye then we are leaving."

I go outside and tell James to say goodbye, while she does I fall against Lucifer crying; wishing we had never came. My father never changed, and he never will change. The next morning I hear on the news that my father killed himself that night, his neighbor found him. He took a bunch of pills with alcohol, and then hung himself; his neighbor realized that he never left for work like always so he went into the house. Since the door was unlocked he walked in and heard a tick noise from something tapping a glass, and found him in the bedroom.

Life didn't change after my father passed, everything stayed the same. My father deserved death, he deserved worse punishment; I think suicide was a pity way out. Why should I feel sorry for that man? How could I feel sorry for that man?