Broken

XXXIX

POV: Kurt

This... is not working out as I had planned. Blaine is bound to ask why I keep running away abruptly.

Also, on the bright side, I found a way to calm down from panic attacks. On the bad side, it's cutting.

I mean, it works, right? I just have to not tell Sebastian. It's not really bad for me, you know; people get paper cuts or injuries all the time. As long as I don't lose too much blood.

It's not as bad as not eating or something. Well, I mean, I kinda do that too, but that's irrelevant.

"Kurt?" I look up, snapped out of my thoughts. "You okay? You seem like something's worrying you."

As nervous as I am that he noticed, I can't help but smile at Blaine's concern. "I'm fine, Blaine. Just a lot of schoolwork."

"In that case, can I talk to you about something?" Blaine asked cautiously. I stand up, knowing what's coming.

"You know, I should get going, I have a project to work on." I gather my things.

"Yeah, okay," Blaine says, taking my hand and giving me a kiss. However, when we break apart, he doesn't let go of my hand.

"B-Blaine, you-" I try to tug my hand away but he doesn't let me go.

"Kurt, why do you always leave?" he asks.

I hate how I can feel it, the panic, the walls closing in on me, right in front of him. My breathing quickens, and- well, you already know.

Blaine's eyes are wide with horror, and he let go of my hand. I can hardly notice, it's too late to run. "Kurt? Are you okay? What- what's happening?"

I barely register the words, memories flooding my mind. I back up against the wall, wrapping my arms around myself and squeezing my eyes shut. I need to end this.

I discretely scratch my arms, right on my cuts, bringing a tiny sense of relief. I can faintly hear Blaine asking me something worriedly in the background.

What seems like a lifetime later my breathing begins to even, and I feel myself calming down. I nervously look up at Blaine, who looks absolutely horrified.

"Kurt, that- you- does that happen every time you kiss me?"

I slide down the wall, sitting on the floor and burying my face in my hands. "I don't know what to tell you, Blaine. I'm broken. I didn't want you do know, I didn't want to ruin this."

I hear him move over and sit next to me. "You didn't ruin anything, Kurt. I'm going to help you, okay? We can get through this together."

I start crying with relief, taking his hand. "Thank you. Thank you, Blaine. I- I need someone, Sebastian isn't always there."

"That's why you two are so close." It's not a question, more of an observation. Like he just realized why.

I nod. "Yeah, he- we traded backstories. He's better now and I'm still a m-"

"And you're going to feel better," Blaine cuts me off. "I believe in you, Kurt. I believe in us."

I start crying harder at this, overwhelmed by the feeling. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," he says after a short pause, slightly breathlessly.