Dream

Part 13

Y/N's pov
I have to go home and I have to talk to Sasha. And I have to avoid contact with Marcus. I must a lot of things. I looked up from the couch. Shit he's here. I had to smile when I saw hickeys I made on him. It seems like I marked him and it is fucking amazing feeling. Feeling I haven't felt with James. But whatever. I stood up. "Martinus thank you for the breakfast it was delicious, but I have to go home and I think Sasha should too." Sasha nodded. I tried to totally ignore that Marcus is here which wasn't that easy since he was right behind me. "Okay. Bye." "Bye." I went outside with Sasha and it looked like the fresh air helped her a little. "So Sasha? Why you have been sad? You know you can tell me anything." She sighed and stopped. 

"I - I have feelings for someone." Don't tell me it is Marcus! I yelled inside myself. "Who?" I tried to ask as normal as I could. "Martinus." "How long?" "A year." "A YEAR?! And you haven't told me? Why? Don't you trust me enough?" "No I don't know why I haven't told you I thought I'll get rid of it, I'll forget. But I couldn't. And then I saw him yesterday making out with that hoe and I broke into pieces. Of course you haven't seen me you were having fun with Marcus." Oh this hurt me. I wasn't there for her! I'm the worst friend ever.

"Don't feel bad Y/N." She stroked my arm and continued. "And then when he offered me I could stay with him I was the happiest person alive. I was with him in bed and he was hugging me. I tried to not to sleep so I could enjoy it. Just being next to him. Well you know it very well." Oh Sasha if you ever know that I didn't know it but now? "What's on your mind?" "Nothing... I just feel bad for James." "Y/N it will be good if he loves you the same you do too him he'll forgive you." This hit me more. I don't love him. And I've never loved him.

I liked him that way wife likes husband after 30 years of marriage, that kind of 'love' which is like: okay I like him and I'm supposed to stay with him.' no passion, no real love. "Y/N something's happening." "Actually yes." I took breath. "You know I don't love James anymore and the reason is kinda ridiculous." She looked to me with questions in eyes. "I wanted him to have sex with me and I felt like he stops loving me. That's why I had sex with Marcus, I don't know when he kissed me there was the passion I exactly needed. Don't take me like I was all the time horny but..." Omg it is so hard to talk about it. "I understand."

"I know he's a fuckboy and he doesn't love me, but it was so good. But I cheated on my boyfriend with him! And I know J loves me and he'll be broken and-" "All will be good again." She smiled to me. "I have to only hope." "Y/N if I'm right the day after tomorrow you have another race." "Yes." "Tell him tomorrow. You will have clear head for the race." "I'll try." I smiled to her and we walked to my house. "How was party?" "It was really good." Of course I won't tell my parents I just had sex with fuckboy. "Hi Sasha." "Hello." "Y/N we have to travel tomorrow so you can have a look at the track." "Okay." I didn't want to ride tomorrow but If I tell dad he'll think something is wrong and he'd want to know. I packed my things.

~the next day~
I rode through the circuit trying to forget everything. I couldn't. I fucking couldn't! I can't even focus on that stupid ride! All I heard from Dean is yelling what the hell am I doing. I rode to box. Henna and Jack ran around my car. When they finished Henna went to me. "Y/N something's wrong?" I nodded. "Oh don't worry James will be here tomorrow." She smiled and hugged me. I felt like she just hit my heart with a sharp knife. I started to cry. "Oh girl I know it's too much pressure for you." Shit girl you make it even worse! You'll be so mad at me for what I've done. You'll hate me. You'll regret all the nice words you told me. I sighed.

"Get some rest and everything will be okay tomorrow." "Okay." I inhaled and exhaled. "That's my girl." She smiled and wiped the tears away. I went to our hotel and fell to bed. Oh Gosh how I'll miss these people. I'd probably have to stop driving. No, I can't. I'd probably have to change circuit. But the closest one is 100km away... I fell asleep with tears in eyes. I had a dream, a nightmare. I was in dark all alone, not standing anywhere, just falling into the dark when someone saved me. I know it was a boy. Then I woke up sweaty as hell. "Y/N sweetie what happened?" "Nothing just a nightmare." "Okay here is your breakfast." Dad pointed at table and I started to eat. I was thinking about today's race about the circuit and about everything.

I put my clothes on and went to box. I sat down and watched how they are walking around my car. James was here. I tried to cover the hickeys I got by my clothes. And it worked. He smiled to me and continued. I don't know why I got that feeling that he already knows. Something was killing him inside because although I don't love him I could see it. We were together quite a long time. I sighed. And I'll have to end it or he'll end it because he's gonna be mad and sad and pissed and angry and... Everything. I was sitting and just staring at them. I was tired. I didn't know why but I was. Maybe I was tired of all the hiding and pretending I am fine and nothing happened. I walked over to James. "Can we talk?" "Sure."

He walked past me and I took a breath. "You know James I have something to tell you." "You seem sad." "You too." "What you wanted to tell me?" He asked gently. "James I-" "James! We need you here!" "I'm coming." He yelled. "Later?" He gave me last look and I nodded. They again ran like ants around my car and worked really hard. They stopped and I heard first warning that I should go to start. I walked over to car and put my helmet on. Everyone wished me luck and James was as always last. He kneeled down. "James I really have to tell you something." "I'm listening." "Without others." They went away. "James I-" "Second warning everyone should be on their places!" "Shit I'll never tell you that I fucking cheated on you!" I yelled and then stopped. This is not how I planned it.