lost and found // calum hood

71 | Elizabeth

There are so many people out there who don't believe in soulmates. Truth be told, I was one of them too. How can there be someone who just finishes your sentences? Who knows you like the back of their hand? Who would love you for all your flaws and shortcomings? How?

But then I found Calum. Calum was me- at least, at the places that mattered. We made the same stupid jokes, lazed around on the same days, we found the same things lame, loved the same movies. There are differences obviously- he sleeps more, I cry more; he loves gadgets, I love books; he is a man of few words, I am garrulous- but we like the same color of the sky. And when we touch, I swear I've seen the sun sparkle.

The world has billions of people. And each person has their own unique thinking style, own point of view of the world, own way of looking at the stars, own manner of dancing in the dark. And in all these billion ways, there is one who is more or less, similar to you. He or she may not be the exact replica of your soul, but somewhere, something fits- like two jigsaw pieces- that something you were looking for. That little part of your heart that was always empty, that feeling of longing, that place where you belong- it is a person, it can never be a place or a thing. I believe the universe gives everyone the opportunity to meet their soulmates once in their entire lifetime and that's because the universe is a benign force. And when you meet them, you know. You just do. This is it. The one. But even after that, nothing happens by itself. The universe only takes care of the meeting. The lasting- well, that's where love comes in.

And I believed that my soulmate was Calum.

Believing in soulmates and astrology and ghosts and true love makes life so much more, I don't know, interesting and fun.

And maybe I was wrong, maybe soulmates didn't exist, but hey, it was a nice thing to believe in, right?

So when I woke up the next morning, safe and secure in Calum's strong arms, I couldn't help but feel at peace. I was staring at him, the soft snores escaping his mouth.

After all the shit that happened with Tommy, I became careful. I became calculating. See, I don't know how to be any different. I don't know how to start something without already seeing its end dawn on the horizon. I've been trying and I'm getting better at paying attention to the light instead of letting the darkness swallow me, but I have my bad days. I have my bad days and on some of them, I can't help thinking that if I'd never met Tommy, I'd be a different person. He made me this way. The boy who ruined me, the boy who thought I was good enough to fuck, but not good enough to keep, the one who broke my heart, manipulated me and abused me.

I know part of it was my fault, I knew that what he was doing was wrong and not okay, but I ran into his open arms and allowed them to dig his claws into my skin nevertheless - because the part of me that still harbored a sliver of hope for that relationship, for him, persuaded me to try again. And again. And again. To open up again. To spill my best kept secrets like red wine across a white carpet, to throw my prejudices right out the window and myself to the wolves. And every single time, it became harder.

I was terrified after, too careful for my own good, too gentle and too hesitant and I just didn't believe in happiness anymore.

But then Calum came around.

One of the world's best bass player fell in love with me.

And it felt nice, being near him again after three months.

My fingers started to trace the tattoos on his arm. He hasn't gotten a new one in a long time, even though he had planned one a long time ago, one for the new album. Maybe he hasn't gotten around it yet.

After some time, Calum finally woke up. His eyes fluttered open, looking directly into mine and he smiled. "Good morning," he said, his voice a little gruff. "Morning," I whispered, leaning a little forward so I could kiss him on the lips, not really caring that we both haven't brushed our teeth yet.