tell me how to be

you don't understand anymore

lately,

there have been

darker

places to hide

shrouding oneself in smoke

that burns and smells like

my mother's man who used to

trace my 9 year old thighs

you lurk in shadows and you drown memories in

bottles they push into your hands

and things that burn in

your stomach

and you think you're safe

in a dark room, with people, popcorn, staring at pictures

You don't understand

anymore

and the boy next to you,

you realize; you don't understand anymore,

as he silently pulls out the vodka

and suddenly the fear isn't there

anymore

and you take the bottle and drink 

you almost desperately down vodka in the cinemas

drinking like a child from

its mother or later, you think,

as you retch

in the mall bathrooms;

a suckling pig

trying to forget

the girl on top of

the boy next to you

you don't understand anymore.