Change My Mind, Change My Heart (Jalex)

Now I'm Not So Sure - Chapter 11

Alex's P.O.V.

I approached the entrance to the park at exactly seven, eyes glued to the ground to ensure that I didn’t trip over anything in the dark. Once I stopped walking and lifted my gaze, my eyes immediately landed on a dejected looking Jack sitting on a swing.

I walked over and sat in the swing next to the boy, frowning  when I saw his tear littered face as he turned towards me.

“So, why did you want to talk to me?” I asked with a slight bite to my words, trying to resist the urge to wrap Jack in my arms and tell him everything would be ok. Because I knew it wasn’t true.

He fumbled over his words, saying, “I - Alex, look, I’m really sorry about everything. I’m a total asshole – Ugh. What I’m trying to say is that I was wondering if… maybe you could forgive me? And we could, erm, keep seeing each other?”

I simply looked at him for what felt like hours, trying to figure out where the sense was in that statement. Failing to find any, I asked, “What? Jack, that makes no sense. You said it yourself, you can’t get kicked out. We’re only teenagers, after all.”

“Yeah, that’s why I mean in… secret. Like, so my family wouldn’t know?” he stated, smiling slightly, although there was a pain clear in his eyes.

A million thoughts raced through my head at once. He would risk that for me? Isn’t it dangerous? How stupid is he? Should I accept? I really want to accept. No… I can’t. Do the fucking right thing, Alex.

Deciding to listen to my conscious, I destroyed my own heart a bit more, by replying with, “Jack, I can’t do that. You know how I feel about you, and I want nothing more than to be with you. But if we got caught, and you lost your family… I couldn’t handle the guilt. You can’t ask me to do that. I’m sorry.”

When I saw his eyes start to tear up again, I decided that I was the biggest asshole ever to walk the earth. Anyone who hurt someone as innocent and sweet as Jack deserved a label such as that. But, I knew I was doing the right thing. I’m not worth the risk.

“B-but Alex… We could, we could make it work? I just… I really don’t want to lose you.” The younger boy mumbled, voice lacking conviction.

Wishing there was some way out of this, I found none, and stuck to my decision, “We couldn’t, Jacky, and you know it’s true. You can’t risk that for me. I think, I think I should go now.”

I found my own tears threatening to overflow, and held them back, desperately trying to look strong.

Jack visibly deflated before me, seeming to give up. He kicked at the sand under our feet nervously, before asking, “Do you think that maybe, I could just have one more kiss?”

In answer, I reached out and cupped his chin gently, softly pressing our lips together.

Although the kiss was close mouthed, short, and full of bittersweet emotions, it was by far one of the best I had ever experienced.

Because it was Jack.

~

Jack’s P.O.V.

I waited unti; I could no longer see Alex’s retreating figure before crumpling to the ground, sobs wracking my body. I couldn’t hold back the voice in my head, saying, He obviously never wanted you at all. Look at how easily he gave up on your relationship. You’re just a worthless, ugly, gay dirt bag.

While I would normally be inclined to succumb to that voice, I instead decided to listen to the more positive part of my brain for once, as it screamed, That’s not true! Why would he have kissed you in the first place then? And said “You know how I feel about you”? He quite clearly meant that he liked you. A lot. He only wants what’s best for you. That’s a sign of true love.

I took a second to realize what that meant. A sign of true… love? Could I be in love with Alex? Alex G., who noticed everything, had stated that we were clearly falling in love. And since I never doubted the wise boy before, he must be right now too.

Figures, the first time something truly good happens to me, my first love, is taken away from me by my family.

With that, a sudden rage surged through my blood stream, and I found myself almost sprinting home, hands clenched into fists at my sides.

I burst through the front door, to find my parents and brothers silently eating with out me.

I walked over to my father, saying in an eerily calm voice, “Why would you do this? Take Alex away from me? Do you have to ruin everything that I enjoy in life?” while the rest of my family watched with dumbfounded expressions.

My father, equally calm, replied with, “Son, I have no mission to make you miserable. But we are a respectable Christian family, and therefore do not house faggots.”

Blood boiling and voice rising, I hissed, “Respectable Christians don’t fucking kick their children out on the street for loving someone of the same sex. Doesn’t the bible say to love all? Some great fucking love you’re showing to me here Dad. Glad to see you care, asshole.” With that, I turned and rushed out the door again, before anybody could utter another word.

I walked aimlessly for what felt like hours, and somehow ended up at the docks again. With a start, I realized that I must have, indeed, been walking for a long time, as the docks were a half hour drive from my house.

I collapsed on the wood, tearms streaming down my cheeks and head pounding from dehydration. As I watched the small rivers soak my shirt, I realized I had nowhere to go. I couldn’t go home after that – well, wouldn’t. Alex’s house was off limits for obvious reasons. I considered one of my friends, but then I would have to explain what had happened to them. And that was just about the last thing I wanted to do at the moment.

Finally, somewhere suitable came to mind, and I went to hail a cab.

~

Alex’s P.O.V.

After coming home, I ignored my mom’s inquiries and headed straight to my room. Stripping to boxers and a t-shirt, I climbed into bed, not giving a single fuck that it wasn’t even eight thirty yet.

My mind was tormented with questions of whether or not I had done the right thing as I tried to relax enough to sleep.

After what seemed like an eternity, I finally fell into a restless slumber, full of dreams of the boy I had just pushed from my life and the man who had tormented my mind for the past eleven years.

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A/N: Three things. 1: Sadness. *sobs for Jalex* 2: OH MY FUCKING JALEX CHRIST I’M FANGIRLING ALL OVER THE PLACE ABOUT DON’T PANIC. Now excuse me while I find a genie to send me to October 9th. 3: I love you all to death for giving me almost twice as many votes as I asked for last chapter. Comment and vote ‘cause of this weirdly appropriate gif I found (~~~>)?

xoxoxo (you get an extra hug and kiss ‘cause I’m overflowing with love)

Rose