The Girl Behind The Lens | S.M. (Discontinued)

Part 34- Moments pt. 3

"I wish that I could tell you that you're all that I want"

- Shawn Mendes, "Why"
~~~

Relive the moment in my head. Cry for a long time. Drink from the flask. Regret ever laying eyes on him. Drink again. Repeat.

That was my cycle for the entirety of the night. I could feel the alcohol course through my veins, poisoning every tissue it ran by. Everything around me sort of spun, the walls slowly caving in. I felt like I couldn't breathe properly but I was too lazy to do anything about it.

Bold of me to think this would be the "best night of my life". Now it's just a sob story of a broken girl getting drunk in the white-tiled floor of the girl's bathroom.

Hearing the music blast from the speakers and imagine people dancing with smiles plastered on their faces made me see how pathetic I am for crying over a guy.

Of all the horrible things in the world, I am crying over a guy who had feelings for me but I pushed away and that my feelings have strengthened for. My timing is incredible.

He has me wrapped around him thumb, of course unintentionally, and there's nothing I can do about it. No matter how pathetic or stupid this seems to me or anyone, I can't stop it.

It hurts and burns like hell around my heart. My whole world just collapsed in front of my eyes. Just the image of Ellie's tongue running around his mouth makes me puke. I did puke, like half an hour ago on the trashcan a few steps from me. Even worse that Shawn doesn't notice how fake everything about their relationship is. Guys can be so oblivious sometimes, honestly, or just too in love to notice...

Me crying may be stupid, but I can't erase Shawn from my life. He is just too important and involved in everything happening in my life.

I can't undo my bad decisions. I fucking wish I could go back in time and make it all better.

I can't tell him how I really feel. It's too late and telling him now that he is with Ellie and obviously moved on, might hurt more than when I pushed him away. I will get a horrible reaction out of it and will take me down the dark path that has tore me apart before.

Shit, I can't even tell him how toxic Ellie is! Not because I might back out, it's more than that. How am I supposed to tell him that Ellie using him to attack me is wrong but me lying to him about my feelings and pushing him into her arms is right?

I can't do anything, just stand there, arms and legs chained to an iron ball, and watch them tear my life apart and destroy me bit by bit. That's why I cry. Because I have no better choice. The options I have with the cards I have been dealt suck and might hurt him.

Hurting him is the last thing I want. I would rather get my heart shattered to a million pieces with a sledgehammer than see someone lay hands on him.

The anxiety consuming me is over how hard this decision is. How can I get a poisonous person like Ellie, who he is attached to, out of his life without hurting him? There is no way! What the fuck am I supposed to do?

All this thinking made it very heavy on my chest, so I decided to go out and get some fresh air. I slowly stood up, my knees a little shaky from the lack of movement for the past hour or so, and rapidly hanged on the edge of the sink to regain my posture. My head started to spin really fast, making me dizzy and disoriented. As I grabbed tightly to the edge of the sink, the spinning reduced until I had the strength to take a few steps and grab the door knob. I took out the lock I placed and open the door that admitted the booming music into my ears, not making my headache any better.