The Girl Behind The Lens | S.M. (Discontinued)

Part 20- Why?

"And I know you'll find someone who gives you the time I didn't give to you"

-Shawn Mendes, "Running Low"
~~~

Wind blowing. Sun setting. Leaves crumbling. 
Heart Breaking.

That was the only thing I could sense as heat of the sun crept down my back and the leaves crunched as I ran over them, making my way to the car. I could feel as the warm tears ran down my cheeks and my heart turning dark, going deeper in me and hitting rock bottom.

Every once in a while I held shut my eyes and look forward again, as my vision became somehow better.

His eyes were dark, almost in a grey tone, his body stiff. The way his mouth dropped into a frown and his hands fell by his side as he dropped his guitar, left me emotionless. They also looked empty, leaving a void in the depth of his eyes that once before were full of life.

I couldn't bear to see Shawn broken...

Broken like me.

I didn't bother to look both ways before running across the street and immediately sat down in the driver's seat, not saying goodbye to Lola. I grabbed to steering wheel hard, making my hands hurt and turn red, and looked down at my lap, little drops of tears falling on my pants.

Why am I crying, if I knew this would happen? I knew Shawn was going to fall in love with me the instant I saw him with that charming smile. The way his eyes sparkled as he looked into my brown eyes. How he stares at me when I smile or laugh, being the most amusing thing he has seen ever.

That made me tear up more. Those precious moments were gone forever when I told him I liked someone else.

I hit the gas pedal and drove down the highway as fast as I have driven before, not caring about anything.

I don't why I suddenly made up a lie, even though it's not my first one. It just slipped, and I think that's what made the whole situation worse. If I put myself in his shoes, I would be devastated, crying in a corner for weeks. I think that is one of the worst things that can affect you emotionally. And he didn't deserve it.

He didn't deserve to be heartbroken by me, just because I didn't want him to suffer later on. I am doing the same thing, except that I am the one breaking his heart and not a buff jock guy breaking his face by beating the shit out of him.

I feel so guilty. How I basically gave no explanation and not even gave him the name of the boy. I am just so full of shit.

I hit the steering wheel like a crazy person as I stopped at the red light. Why does these things happen to me? Or worse, why does he has to suffer from my problems?

That's why I kept my bullying and mental problems to myself, and not get anyone involved, because I knew something horrible like this would happen to them eventually. I couldn't be more right.

I swear to God that this secret would never come out again, that I should just keep it and darken myself. Me and only me, because I deserve it.

I park the car in the garage and looked to my left, Shawn's car not there. That gave me some sort of relief. I dragged my energy and emotion drained body across the sidewalk and to the front door. I slammed the door, making my mom almost jump off the couch as she read a book.

"Hey honey. Wanna watch a movie with me?" She said as she lowered her reading glasses that she got two weeks ago.

My eyes watered again.

"No, I wanna be alone" I said, my voice cracking with emotion, and ran up to my room, locking the door after.

Immediately, I run to the window and pull the curtains together, ripping one of them by the edge.