Swear || a.i [editing in progress]

Six

Bay

This pre-show routine has been going on for an hour now. Loud rock music and just goofing around. I had been avoiding Ashton's gaze all night.

Not that it was difficult since Jess had been clinging onto him since we got there.

"Bay, you feeling alright?" Calum asked as he took his beanie off and combed out his hair.

"Yeah." I nodded tentatively. They seemed so relaxed, no sign of pre-show jitters at all. It was incredibly entertaining, their jumping around and random song-singing. I might just start writing that imaginary piece on their band on the road. 

I didn't even know how to describe the way they performed. They were just so...excited! So happy doing what they were doing. Ashton looked amazing on the drums, every hit on the drum set was so purposeful and passionate. It was no wonder Jess was attracted to him. 

They ran in backstage after performing their last song, shouting and screaming as adrenaline ran through their veins.

"How did we do? That was fun!" Luke squealed as he swooped me up in a hug. Michael and Calum were joining in.

Ashton stood awkwardly with Jess who clung onto him like a monkey. That made me want to barf a little. But that could just be the baby.

The sight of both of them made me uncomfortable. Him being with Jess made me feel lesser. He spent one night with me and decided that I wasn't good enough and chose Miss Pageant Barbie over there. 

I pushed the thought away. It was just the baby talk.

When we got back to the hotel, I let Calum shower first since he needed it more than I did. 

"It'll get better eventually. I promise." He comforted me as he went into the shower, leaving me alone in the hotel room. 

"Promise?" I shouted over the running water while packing my cloths back into the luggage. His muffled chuckles seeped through the bathroom door into the cold room. "Yes." 

The water stopped running with a squeak of the handle but Calum doesn't move. 

"Do you have feelings for Ashton?" Calum asked.

"Do I have feelings for Ashton?" I repeated.

I heard the water start again.

"Yeah. Like I mean, after that night and all..." He trailed.

I didn't know. I wasn't sure I had feelings for Ashton. I mean, he had a girlfriend. And even if I did like him, where was that going to lead me? After all, I'd just be that mistake with a baby.

"Bay? You don't have to answer if you don't want to." Calum used a towel to dry his hair as he walked out with another towel wrapped around his waist, his chiseled abs in full view. I snapped back to reality when he turned around with a soft laugh. He definitely caught me staring. 

"I don't know. If he hadn't left me that night, I would have loved to get to know him more." I stared blankly at my hands again. If only Jess wasn't here. Why did he have to be taken? I played the scenario out in my naive mind, if Jess wasn't here I would have barged into the room, Ashton would tell the security to let me go, I would have pulled him aside to tell him everything. Sure he would be freaked at first but eventually he would tell me that it's okay, that he could take care of the baby and no one in his life would be against it. We would discuss co-parenting. If things go well, we might be married in three years and have a happy family. But alas. 

"He has more on his plate than I expected." I worded it as nicely as I could.

When Calum fell asleep, I tiptoed out of the room. I needed some time alone, to take a walk. Just as I left the room, Ashton stepped out of his room. 

Silence filled the gaps of our awkwardness as we stayed there, staring at each other, wondering what the other person had in their minds.

"Bay, uh."

"I'll see you tomorrow." I sped up my pace and made a beeline for the lift lobby. I didn't have the mental capacity to confront him or my feelings. Just as I walked past him, Ashton grabbed me by my wrist, holding me back.

I sucked in a deep breath as our skin touched. 

"You can't keep running away." He sounded annoyed. I wasn't trying to run away. But the thought of being alone with him, without Jess, frightened me. I didn't know if I could control myself around him. If I heard his laugh, his stupid, stupid jokes again, I might've fallen harder than I ever intended to. I couldn't risk making my life more difficult than it already was.

I turned around to see him staring straight into my eyes.

"Ashton. What we did, that was a mistake. I shouldn't have done it. We shouldn't have done it." I blurted out. I figured that putting up a wall would make it easier for me not to get tempted to reveal any secrets. It was not the right time.

"Why did you come here? The truth, please." He pleaded as if ignoring my previous statement.

"To write." I went along with Calum's story.

"That's not true."

I hesitated. "It is."

"Bay," Ashton whispered as he took a step closer to me. "That night was not a one night stand." His voice was soft and sincere. Not a one night stand? Yeah right.

"You left me there. In the morning, I woke up and you were gone." My voice was hoarse. Ashton slid his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants and pursed his lip nervously. 

"I- I didn't know what to do. I had to leave the country the next day, and I didn't want to feel attached to you while I was working halfway across the globe." He shook his head. I felt confused and a little annoyed. If the conversation went any further, I might've just told him that his actions had consequences. Huge consequences. Did he not spare a thought for me? 

When I didn't reply him, he continued speaking and I wished he hadn't.

"I thought that if you came here to look for me, it was a sign that maybe we could give us a go." 

"You have a girlfriend." That put a bad taste in my mouth.

Ashton stayed silent. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again.

"Bay. I- I just..." He stuttered with his eyes shut as he tried to think of the words to say that could make this situation any better than it was. I had hoped that he found them too.

"Just leave it be, Ashton." I pushed the door open and let myself out, leaving him alone in the corridor.