Rant Book

Congratulations

So, I've been getting back into Hamilton again. Like, I stopped really listen to musicals in general. Im listen to them again and Im starting to remember why I used to listen to them. They are so expressive and some of the songs, while interpreting them slightly different, fit so perfectly its unbelievable. Micheal in the Bathroom? Fits perfectly with how I feel so isolated from everyone now that I barely talk to my closest friends. Congratulations? Helps me express my anger, frustrations, and everything else that comes with trying to help and protect my family while somebody else tries to screw them over. Helpless/What the Heck I Gotta Do? Ive got an enourmous squish and these are the closest thing an ace person is gonna get. Good for You? Basically sums up all my emotions towards Jon (especially Jared's part). I dont know if anyone reading this doesn't already know, but Ive started smoking weed (or if you want to get technical, dabs). Its fucking great. I get to be anxiety free for a few hours and wake up feeling like I actual slept for once, hell yeah. I havent done it very much bc I can only do it when Im at Moms and Austyn's there and that sucks, but its better than nothing. Its fucking cold. I don't know why I started writting this, I guess I just wanted to write but didn't want to bother anyone with my rants. Oh! And thats another thing. I hate texting people. Theres so many people I want to talk to anf rant to but I can't because I can't articulate what Im feeling with texting. I just cant. And yes, I know this is basically the same thing. But not really. I mean this is more like me just thinking to myself. I dont actually expect anyone to read these. I dont expext anyone but, like, Krust to care. But even then. She has her own life. Her own friends, best friend. Dear god. I miss her. And my dude (I dont want to say his name for privacy. If youre reading this I hope you know). I miss everyone so fucking much I dont know how long ill last before pulling a lady Montague and dying of loneliness. I know, I know I have friends here. But it doesnt feel the same. It hasnt even been a year yet, while everyome else is from at least 6-7th grade. Do you know how much I look forward to debate just because I know Wayland is in our league. Yes, I love debate. But even seeing fucking probst made me happy last week. I dont even like her. Ive never liked her, but seeing her made me think of everyone. All my teachers, councelors. Ms. Fucking. Boston. If any of yall see her tell her I say hi. Shes probably one of my favorite adults ever. Like literally. After 2 years of knowing me as that she learned how i was starting to identify and boom. Istant change, no asking. No assumptions. Boom, done. Did you guys know she offered to meet my mom half way when I moved to rockford so I could keep going to Wayland after 8th grade. She doesnt even work at the high school. Shes a fucking saint and deserves everything she wants. Ive been thinking a lot about love lately. Like, how when everyone thought I had a crush on pap because we hung out a lot. I started dating him because thats what I thought I was supposed to do. I forced myself into the relationship because I thought I was broken and maybe being with him would fix me. Ive only ever had one crush... And I got my heart broken. Every other time ive told somebody I had a crush on someone i was forcing those feelings because I spent most of my life believing I was wrong and broken. How did no one notice I always said I had a crush on my best friends (except krust. I confused best friend love with romantic. That wasnt forced). I wanted to loop back around to the one and only crush/love Ive had, and i guess nows as good a time as any. I loved him. I loved him for so fucking long its not even funny. I thought he loved me too, but now im not sure. I know were really close, or at least I hope so, and I love him like a brother now. But back then. Im afraid I was just a rebound. That I was so broken I couldnt even love him correctly. Always afraid to go too far or not doing enough. Always afraid of showing too much or too little emotion. Or effort. I feel I pushed him away and thats why it ended like that. I mean, he thought I would hate him for what happened. I had done so poor of a job expressing my love and adoration of him he thought I was physically capable of hating him. I cried. For weeks, maybe even months after everything happened. If your reading this im sorry. Ive had one question burned into the back of my head for years but never had enough courage to ask. Why didnt you ever reply to me? Was I really not important enough to get a response? Did I go too far? Show too much emotion?. You know, that bruno mars song. I wanna marry you. I used to listen to that and imagine a future for us. Its stupid. Im stupid. i know that. We were 8th graders and I wanted to be with you forever. You were the most important thing in the universe to me. And part of me thinks, I might not ever lose that. You will always be special, even if Im too awkward or scared to talk to you after i post this. Just remember. Im sorry. I never ment to make you uncomfortable by readin this but yeah. Ive been thinking a lot lately and I have no one easily accessible. I wish i had a car. I have a half day tomorrow and no school for next two days. I wanna see you. All of you. I wanna go home with krust or my dude or someone and come back and spend another day with everyone. Just to feel like everythings back to normal. For just one or two days. Its so hard. Its so hard and I have no way to express that. I wish none of this had ever happened. I wish dave wasnt such a fucking asshole. I wish I had been older and had a job and helped momma keep that place. I wish I hadnt told Dustee what she wanted to hear. I wish Jon wasnt a fucking asshole. I miss my friends. My family. My life. Im broken and i dont know how to fix it. My life is broken and I dont know how to break it. If i werent so stupid and naïve and insignificant maybe. Im tired of acting fine. Im tired of acting like everythings okay and im fine. Im sick abd fucking tired of wanting to die, but not bc of how it would hurt everyone else. I wish i was mire than just some dumb kid to the world. I wish my oppinion mattered. I wishmy life and experiences mattered. I wish I didnt live in a country where my entire existance is trying to be erased. I feel like shit 24/7 but dont expect me to tell you anything different than "Im okay" "My day was/Im good" because im not. And I learned "fine" was a giveaway, so i stopped using it. Im not one to make vague posts or hint at how im feeling bc i dont want people to worry. Or sympathize. God I hate sympathy. I think it has a lot to do with "pathetic" being in "simpathetic" but still. Wet-blanket sypathy feelings are gross. Sorry for bothering you guys, but no one read the last one and im hoping no one reads this one. Bye