Rant Book

14

I know I say this a lot, but don't read this. I just.. I dunno got carried away. I wanted to lament about wanting to be loved but not in a sexual way but also not a platonic way. I kinda spiraled into my almost-abusive ex (it doesn't count as abuse, but whatever) and then my interview. There you go. You know what its about, you don't have to read it.

Do you ever have a crisis about love at 3 am? Its strange. I want someone to love me and play with my hair and share my randomly deep thought with. But not the way my mom loves me, or Krystal or Rachel or any of my friends. Not even the way Christina did. We weren't together 2 weeks and she was talking about marriage and how she'd kill herself if I left. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Ive been out since I was what 12, 13? She didn't care. I was her girlfriend, even when I told her it made me uncomfortable to be called that. I was she and her even though I introduced myself as he and him to her family. Everyone's so surprised when they learned I dated her. I am too. Shes a manipulative, narcissistic asshole. But maybe that's why I was with her. Its what I deserve, afterall.

Ya know, people warned me about her. Alex warned me about her sexuality, trying to watch out for me because he seems to be the only one who respects my identity. Gods, you know its bad when her own sister was warning me about dating her. But I didn't care, she was sweet and funny and a friend. I didn't want to kiss her, but she did. So I did. I didn't want to go to her house and hang out with her family, but she did. So I did. I didn't have any boundaries as far as she's concerned. And you know what, I care about her. I don't like her, but I care. Isn't that fucked up?

I got a job the other day. McDonalds. Nothing too fancy, but the interview was wild. It went like this:

I sat in the lobby for ~10 minutes waiting for the manager to come out. I wasn't upset or worried, they were busy. Anyway, the guy walks out and shakes my hand and all that. He has my application printed out and asks me about the miscommunication that lead to me being fired from Wendy's. You all know the story, but after I told him he just kinda looks at me and goes
"That's stupid. Here, managers are the only ones that answer the phone, so you won't have to worry about something like that happening." Then he asked what I did and I told him basically everything, I just went where I was needed. He said that was good and asked when I could come in for orientation.

That's it. The whole interaction literally took like 3 minutes and he never said the whole "Congrats, your hired" thing, it was just when can you start, alright see you then. I'm going to get work shoes tomorrow bc I cant find my old ones. Maybe Momll let me talk her into Bigby; it is BOGOF so it'll be like 5 bucks for both of us. I can pay her back too.

I had a friend post his tragic backstory (tm) on here a while ago. And yeah, it was tragic as fuck. I kinda want to do something similar, tho mines not tragic. I guess its just backstory that I've never told anyone either because it doesn't matter or I never knew how to address it.

We'll start with the first big thing that happened in my life. I've only ever told a handful of people about this and this will answer why Lily won't sleep on a futon.

When I was 4, Lily was 6, we found out Jons brother had been molesting her. My mom thinks he may have also been doing it to me but I was either to young to remember it or I've repressed it. Its a whole thing. He only went to jail for 4 years. He was 17 or 18, barely out of high school. I remember going to his graduation. I've had a restraining on him since then. My whole family has. I break it to see my best friend. That terrifies me to this day. She lives so close to that monster and I don't think I've ever told her that. If you're reading this, he lives in that tiny greenish house by the library. Stay away from him. I can't tell you his name because its taken me so long to wash the dirt from it so I can use it for someone else. But look up VanEss in a criminal database or ya know the place they keep a list of his sort that live near you, or message me directly if you really wanna know. I just don't want to ruin the name for anyone else reading.