Rant Book

I've stopped counting at this point

Whaddup fuckers. Guess who's life's a mess (its me, surprise!). Its really not, I mean compared to a lot of other people my life is paradise so I really have no place to complain. But I'm gonna. Woopdidoo.

So top on the list I suppose is the fact that the whole custody thing is becoming very bittersweet. Like, living with Jon and just being away from my mom has made me so numb? Thats the best way I can say it. Like I don't feel emotions when I'm at Jon's and when I go home I just completely break and have to put myself back together by the time 6pm Sunday comes around because you better believe I'm not getting grounded for a third time bc I dont want to be here. I legit spend almost the entire time laying in my bed feeling sad for myself. Its pathetic. But as much as I'm looking forward to never having to come back here, I genuinely love my job. Holly has become one of my favorite people in record time for me. Like its just a fast food job, but it means so much more than that to me. I'm able to joke with the people there and the atmosphere is so nice to be in. But going home means id have to quit. It means Id have to let them down. I'd have to let Holly down. Shes always telling me how needed I am there and how much she loves that I work there and how great of a worker I am. I feel like by leaving and all that I'm proving her wrong. And I hate it because I want to believe her so bad. But I can't. I'm sitting here planning to leave while she goes on and on about how great I've fooled her into thinking I am. The person she thinks I am wouldn't do that to them.

Uh, next I suppose is my fucked up identity. Who do I like? No one I'm pretty sure. Like ace describes me pretty well, but I don't know about romantically. Like I really like the idea of a QPR (queer platonic relationship). Its like our version of a moirail: more than a friend but less than a romantic/sexual partner. Kinda like best friends that get married for the tax benefits but are also sorta a couple? Like they do most of the stuff actual couples do-it varies between the different people. And there's only like 2 people, really only 1, I feel like I'd be comfortable doing something like that with but I don't want to bring it up to them bc they aren't broken like me and we're still technically children. But I guess you could say I crave that kinda relationship in the way non-broken people crave regular relationships. Like I want children. I've always known that. But when I think/daydream about the future theres always a counterpart to my parenting. A mom or another dad with me. Even though I don't want someone in that way, I still want that "us against the rest of the world" kind of relationship. Idk it probably sounds stupid. And I'm shit at describing it.

Anyway, back to my original point. I tend to find guys more aesthetically pleasing? Is that to put it? Like I find them pretty and whatnot and I'm more likely to notice a cute guy over a cute girl but I don't want to necissarily be with them romantically or in anyway. Kinda like how sunsets are super pretty but I don't want to bang the sun, ya know? But I've had romantic feelings before, even if only once. And I know "but Ty you've had 3 relationships, how can you have only had those feelings once?" I misinterpreted 2 of them and ended up hurting 2 people I care about. But that doesn't matter, because going strictly by my past relationships I guess I'm biromantic, leaning 66.7% guys and 33.3% girls. But that doesn't feel right. And yet aro doesn't either? I'm so confused. I wish I had some all knowing person to ask and give me answers.

Part 2 of my identity is just as confusing. I at least know one thing indefinitely. I'm 0% woman. Boobs? Chop em off. Female pronouns? Icky. Long hair? Too hot and messy. Makeup? I like it on occasion and when its not making my face look hyper femme. Uterus? Get your monthly bullshit away from me. But when it gets to the guy/nb part in torn. I don't mind masc pronouns, I even really like them sometimes. But there's a part of me that wonders if I'm just trying to make myself accept them because it would be so much easier than hearing shit about sigular they/them. And I already pass pretty well and I want to go on T and get top surgery, so maybe I was confused when I landed on masc agender and I'm just full guy. But that doesn't feel right. Like hearing someone refer to me with they/them pronouns it makes me so unbelievably happy. Guap is still my favorite inside joke because its rooted in me being agender and us coming up with a non-binary descriptor in a binary language. I like the idea of dual pronouns but so many people find it easier for me to pick a side, hell itd be easier for me too. I just don't know, it changes from day to day but I don't know if its just normal fluctuations or if I land on the gender flux scale. Again, I wish there was somebody who could just be like "this is who you are" and I get stats like a video game character. Gender is so deep I wish I were just cis so all of this could be avoided.

A friend of mine came out to me earlier. I helped them pick out a name, I'm actually still helping. They're trying out names and I'm using them so they can get a feel for it and how they like it. They've been asking me about how I decided on my name and I told them I think I've only ever told my best friend, if I even told her. I don't quite remember. I suppose Ill tell you now if I haven't. I like the idea of having a longer full name and a shorter name that everyone calls me. Right now its Ty/Tyler. But I've been thinking about Alex/Alexander for almost a year now. I was going to try it out with a few new friends I made last fall, but then one of them came out as trans using that name and now I feel like if I do use it they'll think I'm stealing it from him. And I don't want them to think that. I wouldn't do that to him. I'm probably being stupid and my friend says Th fits me better any way. "A comforting name for a comforting person" and that's not only adorable but it made me feel better about my name choice. Ive always liked the story of my best friend naming me and I kept the y like my mom wanted when she named me and my siblings. Plus the definition on Urban dictionary is pretty spot on. This part wasn't supposed to be about me. I just wanted to talk about how proud of them I am and I'm so happy I get to help. But another thing is they're really dependant on me and that's a lot of pressure. Like I'm talking I seem to have to talk them through panic attacks or suicidal thoughts every night. Its exhausting and I feel so bad for sleeping or working or just not being in a mood to talk because I know how much they struggle and I cant just leave them on read. So I avoid their messages for a while until the guilt over comes me and I open the messages and respond. I love helping, I really do, but right now I'm creeping back towards the place I was a fee years ago and I cant handle keeping myself together let alone fix someone Ive barely known 2 months

Sorry that went a little off, I know its not right and im working on fixing my mindset. I should try to fix as much as I can before I get the duct tape for myself. If I run out before its my turn. Oh well I guess.

This has gone on for long enough. Sorry to bother you buddy, you've got your own problems to deal with. I hope you know you can text or face time me anytime you feel lonely. I want to find out your crushes and hear you gush and just talk. I love you, have a good night/morning/day.