Rant Book

Segments

Hey y'all. Ive had quite a few ideas floating around my head that im gonna slap in here because if I ever said them to a person in real life id probably end up in Forrest View. An easy one first:

Songs I like/have been listening to for a very specific reason

Level of Concern, Twenty-One Pilots

Neon Gravestones, Twenty-One Pilots

Cancer, Twenty-One Pilots & My Chemical Romance

Chlorine, Twenty-One Pilots

Jumpsuit, Twenty-One Pilots

Migraine, Twenty-One Pilots

Car Radio, Twenty-One Pilots

Screen, Twenty-One Pilots

Trees, Twenty-One Pilots

Karma, AJR

Teenagers, My Chemical Romance

The Kids Aren't Alright, The Offspring

The Anthem, Good Charlotte

Come Along, Cosmo Sheldrake

American Idiot, Green Day

Missing You, All Time Low

fragile, gnash feat. WRENN

dear insecurity, gnash feat. ben abraham 

the broken hearts club, gnash

home, gnash feat. Johnny Yukon

I feel really... embarrassed? posting these songs. Like at first I was gonna just put my favorite quotes, but that was mostly centered around Neon Gravestones. i dunno, 'm sad n angry ig

Things I'd Ask my Therapist if Jon Would Let me Have One 

Do you think Jon's love is conditional?

Does it count as a suicidal thought if, in the scenario, I'm not doing the killing? 

Will I ever feel stop feeling like this?

Do you think I'm faking/not actually trans? Ace?

What do I do with Jon?

What's wrong with me?

Things I'd Tell my Therapist if Jon Would Let me Have One

I like to pretend like everything's going to be fine the moment I turn 18 because I have all these plans for things I can't do until then. My first tattoo, name change, gender change, starting hormones. Freedom, a car, better relationships with my friends. But what if they don't? What if I'm just projecting and nothing actually changes or gets better?

I believe I have C-PTSD, would you please invalidate that thought. I haven't had anything happen to me to justify that. Sure, I have a shitty father, but so do so a lot of other people who aren't as fucked up as me. Sometimes I wish something horrific would happen to me. Not because I want attention or to actually experience something like that. I just want to have a reason to feel the way I do. To be so jumpy and scared all the goddamn time.

Death is fucking fascinating. The lore around it in various religions, the uncertainty. I'm not scared of dying. This is extremely narcissistic of me, but I believe I would make it into the good version if it exists. Whether it's Elysium, Heaven, Enlightenment, becoming one with the superior being I honestly believe I would qualify. Except for right now, because writing it out makes me realize the horrible person I am.

There's a reason I can't talk about my accomplishments. Growing up, anytime I tried to express how I thought something was easy or I had any sort of accomplishment that Lily couldn't achieve, she bullied and belittled me for "Making her feel stupid". I got in trouble because I was successful in things that my sister wasn't. Obviously, my parents didn't actively yell at me or anything for being successful. But they found it easier to have me shut up instead of dealing with my sister's insecurities. I don't feel accomplished because my parents never celebrated my accomplishments, so obviously nothing I do is noteworthy or important.

That's so fucking cliché. I'm gonna stop now. I had another one in mind, but head empty. no thoughts. bye