Rant Book

13

Gods how do I put this into words.. This is probably gonna be very rambly because I firmly believe stream of conscious writing is best for this type of writing. So bare with me.

With all this caronavirus stuff going, of course now is the time I get a bunch of motivation to try and get in shape. Like I really want to start working out and losing weight, but I'm scared that if I do I'll stop looking masculine. Like I've got probably the best set of genes a trans guy can hope for. My frame is very square and tall, with broad shoulders and a mostly square jaw (even though its hidden by my chins). And I know I will always have those natural features before I start T but I'm so scared that if I start losing weight like I want to I'm gonna find that I'll look really feminine. I know its petty and I only have like 9-10 months before I can start transitioning.

Idk I'm torn bc I want to be more muscular and fit overall because that's how I want to look. I want to feel comfortable with just a tank top or binder on. I don't think that people only look good when their fit, its just that I don't think I do (lets be honest Ill probably never meet my standards for myself but that's a whole different issue). And I think the worst part is that when I expressed this to my mom she just told me not to change how I look and just work out to build muscle but that's not how it works. I don't know. I'm starting to think that I won't be happy with how I look for a long time and I want someone to talk to about this but I physically can't bring myself to message someone about it because then I'm just being petty and I worry about making them insecure on accident.

Unrelated, but I hate this fucking isolation. I cannot handle not at least going to school. Being in college I've moved completely online, by which I mean I do my hw by myself and turn it in online instead of doing the work in class and turning the hw in online. Also Micheal in the Bathroom just came on and I feel like ima have a panic attack, but we don't need to worry about that right now. I'm stuck in a trailer with my mom, grandma, and brothers and I cant take it bc 2 of those people straight up dont like me and Kyle is 13 so hed be driving me insane even if I weren't locked in with him

I do have some tips, though. Not really tips but I dont know what else to call them and they're how I'm desperately clinging to my sanity.
1. Highly complex puzzle-esque things: literal puzzles, color by stickers, and diamond art. I put on music, rn its Karma by AJR on loop, and I can sit there for hours
2. Long Youtube videos: just finished Jack's Half-Life: Alyx series and each episode was roughly an hour
3. Find something to do with the people you're stuck with: I have a few shows that I watch with Kyle and Mom separately and together and we all love Scategories so that's what we do.
4. Homework: honestly this one sounds stupid, but taking notes for my psych class actually calms my anxiety. Its so strange. Plus I just get so bored that I'm like a week ahead on my schoolwork.
5. Pets: my cat likes to be held while you stand and/or walk around. So that's what I do. Helps me clear my head. Talk to yours, they love you and it will help.

Common themes: do something that you enjoy and will keep you occupied for an hour at least or will help clear your head if you dont have anyone to talk to.

Sorry I dont know why I decided to put that in. I hope it helped, but I'm sorry if it didn't. There was something else I wanted to talk about but honestly Ive gone off on such a tangent that I forgot. So, goodbye for now.