Rant Book

16

You know, I've watched the Hamilton movie like four times now. And when viewed in light of current events, I relate deeply to Act 1 Hamilton. Like in terms of my life right now I'm in Farmer Refuted wherein I am Alexander, my sister is Seabury, and my mom is Burr. Me and her are fighting over the current revolution and my mom steps in to tell me to back down and shut up because its easier for everyone if I just shut up and don't voice my opinions or be passionate about anything. Because no one wants to upset Lily, for good reason, and that makes it my duty to bow down to her opinion and not get upset when she treats me like an idiot and tells me im too immature to talk to her because I don't agree with her. Even though I used to get in trouble because me being as smart and mature as I am makes her feel insecure. Because every time I made reference to something being easy For Me, all I got to hear was how it wasn't easy for her or how me expressing an opinion about the difficulty of something as a 6 year old made me a shitty terrible person. My mom wonders why I get irritated every time she makes me go over there, when it doesn't take a whole lot of digging to find out I'm done being her punching bag-emotionally or otherwise.

Sidenote but also no one reads these so it doesnt matter. I've blocked her on nearly everything because I'm tired of dealing with her. She'll never have to hear about things that make her uncomfortable from me and I'll never have to deal with her.

I want to get tattoos. Like a lot of them. I've been thinking of different quotes, especially from Hamilton. It's a quotable piece of media. But also one for each of the people and the one that honors all the cancers and aquarians in my life that I care about deeply. I want to go get matching/cohesive tattoos with my three best friends (Separately). I want to get one for my mom featuring a gecko because thats the tattoo she has. I want to get the anarchy fist. I want to get some pride-related ones. I want to get some that are purely spur of the moment or chosen by someone else. 

I want to finally be able to express myself how I want to. Not how others expect me to.

Speaking of expectations, Im putting in the paper to change my name and pronoun markers when I turn 18. Im going to start pursuing HRT as soon as I turn 18, hopefully I'll have a binder or two by then. And then hopefully I'm still on Jons insurance and I can get surgery around 25.  I'm so ready to get started with all this, and I hate that it's so close. If that makes sense. The closer it feels the harder it seems to wait.

Sorry I paused to watch a Guns and Ships. Now I've lost my train of thought. Guess I'll end it here so I can end up falling asleep and stop being so melodramatic and woe is me. Night yall