Out of Control ✔

FIRST CHAPTER

Her knees touched the hot desert sand. Ignoring the warmth that soaked right through her linen trousers, Juanita leaned over the spring in front of her and started to fill the bottles. Beside her Camila did the same. Now and then their elbows touched, Juanita tried to ignore it but for the past few weeks she had come to believe that Camila's shy smiles and intense stares meant something more than friendship. Juanita had considered her a friend for years, but the recent change in her behaviour was making her feel very uncomfortable. There weren't many people Juanita counted as friends, and the thought of losing a single one would definitely hurt. But this change... it was nerve-racking and made her doubt herself; had she missed some sort of signal, or given her friend the inclination that she felt the same? She didn't want to reject her, didn't want to ruin their friendship but that was all that she wanted; friendship. She wasn't good with people – not anymore. Not after discovering the secret that her father had kept from his family, it had shown her that there was no one she could trust; especially not the ones that were supposed to be closest to you.

Juanita squeezed her lips together and focused on the ripples she created in the water. She counted the circles as they slowly faded... Seven, eight, nine. There was no point in it, but it was easier. Easier than thinking about her family; it filled her with anger, with shame, with doubt. That life was done, it had been dead for eight years now.

Eight years...

The thought made her organs feel like liquid.

It had been eight years since her father had hit her, since she had finally found the courage to leave the house. Often she thought about her brothers, more than once she had been on the verge of reaching out to them, but something had always pulled her back. She couldn't explain to them why she had left, not without exposing her father's secrets. There was nothing she hated more than keeping secrets, but both Ezekiel and especially Angel would be safer if the truth would stay buried.

At least, that was what she kept telling herself. It was the only way to live with the choices she had made, to justify the hurt she knew she had inflicted her brothers.

Juanita put the cap back on the bottle and began filling the next, internally cursing herself for allowing her thoughts to wander down that path. There was no point in it. She wasn't going back. She had made her choice, and now she had to bear its consequences. She had done it these past years, and so she would in the years that followed.

She had found a goal in life with Los Olvidados, it was a good cause to fight for. Nobody asked questions, even Adelita had made peace with the fact she didn't want to share the details of her past. Most of them had experienced horrible things in their lives and found it hard to talk about it. It was no different for Juanita; it was only on a different level. But nobody needed to know that.

"You're ready?"

Juanita tensed when she felt Camila's hand rest on her shoulder.

It's nothing, she told herself. It felt like it was ages ago that people had touched her in a loving way, it was a way to break down her walls and Juanita didn't plan to lower the walls around her anytime soon. She needed her space, needed the certainty that nobody could really hurt her, and the assurance that she couldn't hurt someone else...again.

"Got two more bottles," she muttered. "You can go back."

She could easily picture Camila's sweet smile without looking over her shoulder as she answered, "I'm good. There's no rush."

Juanita bit her cheek, wishing she would just go; her presence was suffocating her. It felt like the girl was her shadow, she couldn't remember the last time she had been alone. Had it always been this way? Maybe she had just been blind to it; too wrapped up in her own thoughts to see what was happening around her. It had happened so many times in her previous life ‒ a trait that was dangerous to have in an environment like this.

Juanita decided to talk to Adelita when she got back, to tell her that she wanted to separate herself from the group for a while so she could get a clear head. She needed that, occasionally and she hoped that Adelita would understand.

She stood up when the last bottles were filled and they began the walk back to the camp. All the way back Camila kept talking to her; cheerfully, thoughtlessly, either ignoring or not sensing Juanita's wish for her to shut the hell up. But Juanita kept her annoyance to herself, deep down knowing that it had more to do with her own feelings than with Camila's behavior.

They brought the bottles to the supply tent and without saying a word Juanita went looking for Adelita. She knew she would be at Headquarters and so she headed in that direction. Right before she reached the entrance she froze. She heard a voice that sounded familiar but out of place at the same time. Her throat suddenly felt dry.

Don't be stupid. He can't be here.

She knew he had no reason to be there and that she was probably just imagining things since she had spent the afternoon dwelling on the past, but still she could barely breath. Carefully she peeked around the corner.

And there he stood. She recognized him immediately, even though it had been such a long time since she had last seen him. He looked rougher, taller. Gasping for air she turned around, her heart pounding in her chest, she had to get away. She slipped past their headquarters, desperately trying to resist the panic that was consuming her and forgetting all about speaking with Adelita. She had bigger concerns now.

Angel had found her.