The Mentalist - What if?

Chapter 20

By the following Thursday, all their belongings and the furniture from the nursery had been moved over to the house; two of the guest rooms had been set up ready for when Annie and Tommy next visited and another had been turned into a man cave for when the guys came over. There was also an office and small home gym for Teresa; living in a house of this size, it was taking Lisbon a while to come to terms with her new living arrangements. With Jane back at work properly, she found herself spending her days just wondering around, trying to keep calm and her emotions in check; with Matilda sleeping in the nursery, she found herself sat in the rocker in the corner, watching her daughter, tears in her eyes. As her phone rang, she wiped her eyes and answered, not wanting it to wake Matilda.

"Hi Jane" she sniffed. "Yeah, I'm okay; honestly, just thinking. How's it going?" She asked, stepping into the hallway outside the nursery. "I miss you too; I'd like that. Okay, I'll see you in a bit"

Hanging up, she went into her ensuite and looked in the mirror; seeing the tiredness and emotion in her eyes, she splashed her face with some cold water and applied some concealer to hide the bags under her eyes before running the brush through her tangled hair. Hearing Matilda starting to stir, she headed back to the nursery and lifted the whimpering baby into her arms; with a full belly, a new diaper and fresh clothes, she grabbed the diaper bag and got settled in the car. Pulling into the car park of the CBI unit, she checked her reflection in the mirror and took a deep breath before putting on her best fake smile and getting out; with the bag on her shoulder and her daughter in her arms, she headed up to the squad room where Jane met her at the elevator.

"You doing okay?" He asked, happily taking the almost three month old as he noticed the sadness in her eyes.

"Tired" she sighed.

"Okay, I think Matilda needs some time with Auntie Grace" he decided.

Sending her into her office, he settled Matilda before joining her; sitting on her sofa, he pulled her onto his lap, holding her close.

"Talk to me"

"I just got overwhelmed; the house and been alone and thinking..."

"You were fine when I left this morning" he said, running his fingers through her hair.

"I know, I'm just been stupid; the house is amazing. It just felt...lonely and too quiet without you" she said, snuggling into his embrace as she tried to explain her feelings.

"I thought there would be plenty to do to keep you busy"

"There is, like I said, I'm just been stupid; I miss working and having adult conversations"

"Sweetheart, You only have to pick up the phone if you need to talk; don't shut yourself away"

"I know" she sighed. "I should let you guys get back to work"

"We have no case; you need company"

"There's always work to do, well, maybe for them" she smiled.

"You should smile more; you're even more beautiful when you smile"

"I don't exactly feel very beautiful right now" she admitted.

While Jane had been brilliant in helping with Matilda, she didn't feel like she got much time to herself; she would get the time to shower if Matilda didn't wake for a feed in the middle of it and Jane would send her to have a rest if she needed it but otherwise, she didn't do anything else or go anywhere alone. Seeing the broken expression on her face, Jane knew he needed to do something; kissing her hair, he lifted her chin to look at him.

"How about I take Matilda home and you can take a few hours to yourself? Go shopping or get your hair done or whatever?" He offered.

"You have to work"

"I can consult on the phone if they have a case; you need this"

"I don't know Jane" she whispered, nestling back against his shoulder.

"Just a couple of hours, that's it; Matilda will be fine" 

With a knock on the door interrupting the conversation, Lisbon stood up and unlocked the door, finding Grace and Matilda.

"Sorry, she's hungry" Grace apologised.

"It's okay, I'll take her" Lisbon sighed, taking the three month old into her arms.

With Grace heading back to her desk, Jane watched as Lisbon sat back on the sofa and bottle fed their daughter, tears in her eyes.

"Hey, it's okay" he said, wrapping an arm around her.

"We can't even get five minutes together let alone an hour and I know that sounds selfish; she's my daughter and I should want to spend time with her but it's just so hard, all the time" she cried, finally letting the frustrations and emotions out from the last three months. "It feels like everything I'm doing is wrong and then I feel like a failure and a hypocrite because you think I'm okay and I'm coping but I'm not Jane, I'm really not"

"Where's all this coming from?" He asked, holding her close.

"I'm tired, I'm tired of pretending I'm okay, that when you leave the house I'm okay but I'm not; I'm scared, scared that something will happen to her and I can't stop it"

"Hey"

"I can't do it anymore Jane" she cried, handing Matilda over and rushing out the office, head down to avoid eye contact with anyone.

With the team looking after the youngster, he eventually found Lisbon hiding up in the attic room he used as an office space whilst searching for Red John.

"Need some company?" He asked, watching her as she stared out the window, arms wrapped around herself.

"I want to be left alone" she said, her voice small and timid.

"It'll be okay"

"Please...Jane?" She pleaded.

"Okay, I'll be in your office when you're ready"

When she'd finally reappeared two hours later, it was obvious from the redness around her eyes that she'd been crying; seeing no sign of the team, she found Jane exactly where he said he'd be, in her office, dozing on the sofa with Matilda lying against his chest, his arms securely holding her.

"Jane" she whispered, bending down and lifting Matilda into her arms, causing him to wake.

"You okay?" He asked, sitting up and noticing her eyes.

"Not really but I need to get her home; where is everyone?"

"Case, I think; you gonna be okay to drive?"

"I'll be fine, you should get to work"

"You sure?" He asked, concerned.

"Get to work" she replied, leaving without any affection towards Jane.