To say I had trouble sleeping that night would be a total understatement. Scott wanted to marry me. Like, legitimately spend his life with me.
I don't want to be a buzz kill, but what the hell? Where had that even come from? We've never talked about marriage or moving in together, none of that stuff. I'm too young to even want to consider that...
But apparently Scott has been putting a lot of thought into it, which is kind of worrying. I love Scott, he's my first love, but do I want to spend the rest of my life with him, make that commitment? I don't know.
As if this situation isn't bad enough what about, God, Aaron? After Scott pretty much proposed I left school and rushed home to clear my head. I hadn't told anyone, just went home.
I should probably care more about school attendance but the year is almost over, it's not like the teachers are going to keep track now anyways.
I've been in my bedroom for awhile now. It's absolutely pouring rain out. There's quite a bit of thunder off in the distance. The weather fits my mood, how ironic.
To be honest, I'm not really mad about the situation, more frustrated and confused that I can't just be like other girls and want to have their boyfriends propose. I'm sure it has to do with my own parents being divorced.
That's what should turn me off to the whole 'marriage is forever' crap, but I've never been that affected by it.
I still believe that when the right people marry eachother they stand a good chance of being together for a long time. My parents decission was between them.
They weren't happy any more so they did what was best for them. I get that. Sure I had cried when I first found out they were splitting, but I was a kid. Things have definately changed since then.
Yeah, having divorced parents should be the reason I'm freaking out over the proposal but...It's not. In the back of my mind I know I can't let go and be happy over this because of Aaron. It always comes back to Aaron for me.
I fell so completely in love with that jerk (He's certainly not a jerk but that seemed appropriate) that the mere thought of not being with him physically and emotionally hurts.
When I had first started dating both guys I had realized how seriously I should have been taking things. Instead it felt like a silly teenage thing, 'oh I love two boys now let's go on dates and make out'.
But Scott had brought me back to reality by basically throwing me into a brick wall. Okay...Maybe not that dramatic but the stormy weather is making things more bleak and melodramatic so deal with it.
Like I was saying, when I first started this dating stuff I pushed away the fact that I would eventually have to choose. End things with one of them for good. Ugh.
The sucky thing is that Scott had just laid everything he was thinking and wanted with me right out there in the open, free for me to mull over. He said he was patient, that we could take the whole summer to enjoy eachother and fix our relationship.
Why is he such a decent guy to me? Especially when I don't deserve it. Not after all I've put him through.
But Aaron on the other hand still has yet to say whether or not he even loves me. That right there should push closer to Scott, should make my choice for me, should show me who the right guy is.
I should end things with Aaron, accept Scott's offer and ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. It's...Not like I wouldn't be happy with Scott, I know he'd make a great husband (Ugh that sounds so weird).
I could count on him to take care of me and be supportive. That should be my choice. But it comes back to Aaron again.
The idea of once and for all ending my budding relationship with Aaron is so painful. No more passionate kisses, no more heated and soft touches, no more lingering glances, no more constantly talking on the phone late at night, no more home made dinners, no more having him for a fill in best friend when needed.
I...That's just so...Sigh. I know that if I choose Scott, Aaron won't want anything to do with me any more. It seems harsh, but I'd understand.
If I were to pick someone over him how hurt would he be? Why would he want to be my friend after basically messing with his head? How could we keep going on as friends when all I'd ever be thinking about is the incredibly short time we spent together?
Ending things with Aaron would make me just as bad as his parents. I would essentially be abandoning him just like they do. That would make me the biggest monster ever.
Knowing how alone he is, and just...Leaving him. But honestly, how could I even consider being his friend after all is said and done? Choosing Scott would mean cutting myself from Aaron completely.
The only way to get over someone as...As amazing as Aaron would be a clean break. Although there would be nothing clean about it.
I'd have to erase his number from my phone, as well as any picture I may have on there, or saved texts. Avoid him at all times, pretty much forget his existence. Easier said then done. I love him so much, so honestly. I've never really had any kind of secret from Aaron.
Being with someone you never lie to, never hide what you're thinking from is a kind of free you can't come across easily. The fact that I've found that with another person is rare.
And I could throw it away with a simple sentence. Could end it all selfishly. I don't understand how I can love Aaron so much when he's never even exspressed what I am to him. A simple fling to have fun? A way to not be so lonely all the time?
None of that matters really, I love him even if he's using me. Which...I sincerely hope he's not. I should have never started dating both boys. I thought it would make my feelings clearer, make up my mind for me, but no, all I can feel is heartbreak.
Sitting in my bedroom while a storm rages outside, I understand why I had been so numb when Scott was proposing. It was because all of this was dawning in my mind without me realizing it at the moment. Realizing that putting that ring on my finger would mean saying goodbye permanently to my Aaron. Something I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do.
