27: Controlled Pain

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"Honey, you need to eat.."

I turned my head and blinked at her a few times, then turned my head back to the window I had been staring out of the last four days.

"You need nutrition in your body. This isn't good for you, Isobel."

I pulled my knees in closer and closed my eyes for a few seconds, trying to muster up the courage to talk.

"I.. I don't want to eat." I swallowed hard, narrowing my eyes at the window.

My mom sighed and squatted down in front of me, trying to catch my eye.

"Isobel.. I know.. I know this is hard for you, baby. But things happen for a reason, and now he's in a better place."

I clenched my teeth and looked down into my lap.

"Things seem hard now, I know. But things will get better, I know they will. You just need to trust me. He's in a better place now, and he wouldn't want you to be sitting here, sad and depressed over it. I know he wouldn't."

I guess you can say I snapped after she was done talking. Something in me just cracked, and I blew up.

"Why couldn't it have been me?! Hayden- he- why did he have to leave? He wasn't supposed to fucking leave, mom! He was supposed to stay, here, with me! He was supposed to keep me safe! He was supposed to stay with me, right here! Now what am I supposed to do, mom?! I Don't know what to do!"

Sobs racked my body and dug my head into my knees. I whispered to myself, probably convincing my mom I was insane in the process.

"Oh, Isobel.." She whispered out, wrapping her arms around me tightly.

"Baby, everything will be okay. Please, don't think like this.."

I knew she was just trying to help, but I didn't wanna hear it.

"Just- just go to work mom. I'll be fine."

"No, I'm staying here, with you, today."

"Mom, please. I just.. I wanna be alone."

She sighed and stared at me for a few seconds, before nodding. "If you need anything, and I mean anything, please call me. Okay?"

"I will, mom. Have a good day at work."

She gave me another tight hug and kissed my cheek, squeezing my hand before leaving the room.

I let out a sigh and got up, locking the door behind her. My hands shook as I walked to my bed and slipped my hand under my pillow. I felt around and pulled the metal blade out from my pillow.

I held it up and stared at it, licking my lips as I thought of the delicious pain I was soon to feel.

Isobel, don't. Hayden wouldn't want you to do this, would he?

"Yea, well Hayden's not here, is he?"

I slid down and leaned against my bed. I rested my arm on my leg and took a deep breath before pulling one of the sleeves of my shirt up. I stared at the new scars that adorned my arm, sighing lowly. I had done those yesterday.

I brought the blade down and slowly started cutting against my wrist, watching as blood slowly started to come to the surface.

I wanted to cringe at the sight of the horribly red liquid as more of it piled up.

But I just cut another spot on my arm.

I slashed deeper and deeper the longer I went on, taking my anger out on my arm.

I screamed out and breathed deeply, glaring at my arm. I threw the blade across the room and stared down at the bloody mess I'd created.

Blood dripped onto my hard wood floors, creating a small puddle. Rips in my skin went all the way from my wrist to the top of my forearm, making my whole arm pulse in pain.

But the pain was welcomed. It was pain I could control.

I took a deep breath and looked up at my ceiling.

I wasn't gonna be able to bring myself to school.

Thinking of everything Hayden and I had done, and hadn't done, made me sick.

I would never go to London. I would never meet his family. I would never get to have a future with him. I would never.. I would never be able to have children. Never be able to get married.

Because if it wasn't Hayden, than it wasn't anyone else.

It couldn't have been.

We were barely into our relationship, but I loved him more than rain on a cloudy day. I loved him more than the moon loved the sun. I loved him more than the water loved the ocean.

I stood up shakily, walking over to my bathroom on wobbly feet. I placed my arm under the faucet and sobbed from the pain of losing Hayden, and the pain of the water pouring into my new cuts.

I grabbed a towel and pressed it against my arm as I walked back to my bed. I sat down and stared at the floor, watching the blood as it made a trail through the cracks.

It was weird; when Hayden's dad had told me he passed away.

I hadn't felt any different that day. Wouldn't I have known if he had died? Wasn't that what being soul mated entitled? You knowing if they're hurt?..

But then again, maybe we weren't soul mates. Maybe they didn't even exist.

I laughed at my stupidity and pressed down harder on the towel so the blood flow would stop faster.

Hadn't I gotten the shortest stick of them all in life? Why couldn't I just have Hayden? Why couldn't the one good thing in my life stay with me? Was I so undeserving of love?

I let out a sigh and shook my head.

I wouldn't kill myself because Hayden passed. I loved him, but I knew he wouldn't want me to do something like that at his expense.

But I sure as hell wished I could.

Because he was dead... Wasn't he?

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

So hey! I was on a vacation for two weeks, but now I'm back home! I missed writing so much, so I'm glad to be writing again.

This is a short chapter, but it's to show Isobel's pain and her thought process.

THE picture is to the side.

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