Boulevard Dreamer (Ryden)

-forty-

I wake up with the sun peeking into my room through the cracks in my blinds and arms wrapped around me that aren't mine.

Heh.

And Elizabeth's sleeping in one of my shirts. Fortunately for me, I didn't wake up in a mood to immediately ask questions about what she and I got up to last night, I only have curiosity to know the time. Hoping to whoever's doing just a bang-up job looking out for me and my fellow unfortunate members of the human race, I turn my head to make sure my phone is.. Well, not necessarily where I remember it to be, but where it usually is. Charging on my nightstand. Probably the most sensible decision I made last night.

8:35 am. God..

That's not bad for me. Usually my internal clock decides that 5:00 is just the most sensible time in the world to be up. No exceptions. Absolutely no falling back asleep.

I guess that's what I get.

And it's not what Elizabeth deserves, but knowing her, she'll probably sleep in for a bit longer. Or pretend to sleep and want to lay here with her head on my chest. Not because she loves me. We're just two damaged people that crave affection and take it where we can get it.

And, yeah. In a way, I love her more than anything. In that same way, I always will. But I would never tell her that.

I'm bad for her.

She's too good for me.

I wish she knew it.

I wish I felt guilty about whatever happened last night.

But I don't. I don't even remember..

I don't feel sick or particularly hungover, so there goes that excuse. I guess I could just write this one off as 'Ryan, you're a shitty guy, ya know that?'

I do.

Hell, I'm the patron saint of shitty guys.

At least I'll own up to it.

Soon enough, Elizabeth sighs slightly and her perfect little doe eyes flutter awake slowly as she adjusts to the light of the room.

"Good morning, Nancy."

She'll get it.

"Good morning, Sid," Told ya, "Just in case the context clues aren't helping you out, we just talked. And you always smell good, so I stole one of your shirts with zero remorse."

As if I didn't expect her to do that, "Yeah? Well, thanks for reading in between the lines for me, doll. What'd we talk about?"

"Lots of things," Very specific, "Lotta yin-yang stuff, actually. You talked about you're different from people like me or Brendon because we're your definition of good. And you're your own definition of bad and I honestly don't buy into any of that, but I let you talk because I knew you needed it. Ryan," She sits up slowly me and looks at me with a soft seriousness, "You realise you've never opened up to me about your family before last night?

God, what did I say last night and why don't I remember?

"How? What did I say?" See, the last thing I need for her, or anyone, to feel sorry for me because surprise, my life isn't perfect. I got the short end of the stick in most ways, but I'm not gonna see here and collect pity royalties on it.

"People leave.." Shit.. That's why I don't remember, I don't want to, "And it's not your fault, okay?"

"Yeah. I know that," I decide I'm done making eye contact with her, so I start a staring contest with the ceiling, "Just because my mom left and my dad blamed it on me until the day he died doesn't mean I'm a bad person. I know. I realised that a long time ago. Just because he would find a way every.. single day to tell me how every single problem, every inconvenience, inflicted upon him, the human race as a whole.. Anything that could go wrong, it's my fault. And mine alone.. That doesn't make me a bad person. I know that. And maybe that mindset leaked into the rest of my life and made me the special kind of fucked up that I am, but.." I glance over at her and I see it written all over her face, laced in her eyes though she tries to hide it. Pity. She feels bad for me and she shouldn't, "I am a bad person, Elizabeth.." I finally sit up, but I avoid her eyes, "Because I ruin everything I touch. And I only attract good people that get ruined by me. Look at you.." I do, I look at her and I hate that a smile creeps onto my face when I do, "I hated myself for loving you and getting as attached to you as I did. Even now, I don't know why I let myself do it and I feel horrible, but... You tried so hard to understand me, and I guess that's what any person wants. To be understood. But then you did understand, or you knew what I wanted you to know, and you came to your senses and wanted me out of your life. I realised I didn't love you in a conventional way or any kind of way that made sense. I knew you wanted something to come of whatever we had, but I couldn't do that for you. So I made you hate me. Because I'm selfish and because I didn't want to hate you first," Her wavy blonde hair was tousled by sleep, but in a beautiful way. So I just stared at her like an idiot. And smiled like one, too. "Yet, you still came back, but I guess that's my fault for being with you for as long as I let it go on. And you can't do much wrong in my eyes, doll, but it's still a little off how little you support Brendon's relationship with Dallon. What do you know that you're not telling me?"