Boulevard Dreamer (Ryden)

-seventy-

"Dal, is it okay if Ryan comes over?"

"Yeah.. Sure."

I can say I'm ready all I want. I can pretend that the things I have to tell him aren't going to crush him and me and break everything we've spent these years trying to build. I can pretend I'm ready as I'll never be.

But I have to tell him. I need to.

It's for the best.

"Dallon.." I try to keep my voice as steady as possible, just to keep the impending anxiety in the room low. We don't have serious talks all that often, but when we do.. "I'm sorry."

"What? What could you possibly have to apologise for?" Oh, you have no idea, but I'm gonna join you on the couch and sit on the opposite side because I need to be close to you, but I don't deserve to rest my head on your shoulder anymore. Something that always made me feel safe now terrifies because I don't deserve it, "Is this because we didn't really talk for a while? Bren, it's okay. I get it. Sometimes people just need space," He half smiles and extends a welcoming hand toward me, "Speaking of which, you don't have to sit all the way over there, y'know."

I do know that.

Yes, I do have to sit over here.

"I know.." I can see a hint of fear in his eyes as he listens to my soft tone and knows something isn't right, "I just-"

I would say saved by the bell, but with my luck, it's just the mailman.

Or woman.

Mail person.

"I got it," I nearly leap at the opportunity to get away from what I'm about to plunge myself into. Oh, that makes it seem like I want to get away from Dallon. I don't, I never really did. He, as a person, is one of the best people I know and somewhere, something in my head is screaming at me that he'll always love me. No matter what I do, what I say or how stupid I am for not realizing what I have, he will always think of me as someone he loves. Someone he wants in his life forever and ever and what's so wrong with me that I can't give that to him? He deserves it. He deserves someone who will love him and care for him and be there when he isn't the strong, confident guy he wants the world to see. That person.. isn't me. It was once, but it.. just isn't anymore.

Why not?

What would've happened if I had just never talked to Ryan?

Would I be happy?

Would I be happy now, but.. miserable later? Miserable and rattled with the guilt that the man I once loved deserves better than me.

And I hope to god he finds it.

"Ryan Ross, reporting for damage control duty."

I'm still lost, but when he's here, I feel like I'm found.

"How's it been, Bren?" Ryan's not the type to smile at much of anything, but in this moment, he finds it in himself to lift half his undeniably handsome face and look at me with those beautiful honey-coloured eyes of his with something in his expression telling that everything is gonna be okay. He really believes that.

"I'm.. getting there. Just grappling with it all and trying to find a way to make it okay," I see him hesitate to reach out to touch me, maybe hold my hand, any kind of physical comfort, but he's taller than me and probably sees Dallon. I wish they liked each other, even a little.

"It will be," His eyes return to me, but his hand goes to dig in the front pocket of his black jeans to pull out.. My ring. That I gave him. Not to wear. Just because the sight of something so beautiful that isn't truly mine made me sick, "I'm assuming you're gonna need this back," My hand almost refuses to move to take it back. Ryan's smart so he realizes his and gently takes my hand in his, so before I could even really give it a second thought, the ring was back on my finger. It.. It doesn't feel right, "Hey, Brendon, honey, look at me," Even though Dallon sits a mere six or seven feet away, Ryan's hand doesn't leave mine, not for a second, "I promise you I won't leave you to do this alone. Don't think about Dallon, think about yourself for once in your life. You have such a big heart, but sometimes you forget that your deserve to be as happy as you make other people. As happy as you've made me. And that says a lot because you know how I am about feelings."

"How are you so calm? How are you not scared?" Every insecurity I have is painted across my face. This entire situation terrifies me to my very core, and he knows that, but now that we're here, he sees it. And he holds my hand tighter, "When I met you, you had no hope for anything."

"When I met you, you had hope for everything," He shrugs a little, "You rubbed off on me. I'm so sorry I rubbed off on you. Maybe this is my way of making up for it."

As usual, I'm gonna guess that he's right and go with it.

To quote him and countless TV characters..

'Here goes nothing,'

~

oh, dear. you didn't think i was gonna give all the tea away today, did you?

that's why the number 70.5 exists.

y'all, this is a major arc, it gets two parts.

trust me, it'll be worth waiting for.

~RJ✌️