Boulevard Dreamer (Ryden)

-sixty-

"Remind me again why you're covering a John Mayer song?"

"If I can't talk to him, I gotta get it all out somehow."

Pete chuckles softly as he shakes his head from the opposite side of the soundproof glass, "Why don't you just talk to him and the other guy and get everything straight? Metaphorically speaking."

Wow. Walked right into that one, "The other guy is the man he's going to marry. Maybe. It's complicated.." I sigh as I rest the studio headphones around my neck. It's complicated and it's all my fault and I should stop feeling sorry for myself and just talk to him. I don't know where talking to him would lead. I want to find out, but I can't do that to him.

I scanned the lyrics of the song I'd scribbled on a couple sheets of paper about fifteen minutes before I came here.

'I'd burn up in your atmosphere.' 'I think I'm gonna stay, gonna stay in the grey.' 'I wonder where I am in my relationship to you.'

I think that about sums it up, hm?

Pete motions for me to join him in the other room and with a small smile, I do just that. Time for him to try his best to give me advice. I guess that's how people see me now. As someone who needs help. I can't deny it. I need it.

"Have I told you about my little girl yet?" He sits himself down on the red pleather couch in the studio and pats a spot next to him for me to do the same, but I choose to stand. I know he'll talk for a while if I let him, but I wanna beat the work release traffic.

But what kind of monster turns down talking about babies?

"I think you mentioned her briefly last time you were in town," No, he didn't, "What's her name again?" For the first time.

"Marvel Jane," Not a double, but a triple entendre. Pete's a huge comic nerd, his girlfriend's name is Meagan Jane, and Peter Parker's girlfriend's initials match both Marvel and Meagan. Mary Jane. MJ. If I thought harder about it, there's probably more than three, but I don't get paid to read too much into baby names, "She's nearly two months old now."

"That's really great," It truly is. After two boys, I'm sure Meagan's happy to have a little girl to look after.

"Ryan, I've known you for how long?"

"It was my sophomore year of college, so.. About seven years? Why?"

"Honestly, you were the saddest kid I knew back then. Not a thing in the world could make you happy. Not because you were dissatisfied or wanted more, you just.." He looks me in the eyes and sighs a little, "You didn't want anything and that was sad. Then you kept giving me these little bits of light and hope. Like the day you told me you'd always want a little girl yourself if you wouldn't make 'such a terrible father,' and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what you meant by that. But you had a dream. And you wanted something. Is that still something you want?"

I shrug, "I fill that little void with Dottie and Elwood. They're basically my kids and Elizabeth is the closest I'll ever get to family and.." I stop myself cold in my tracks. I'm just saying words, but I don't feel any particular way about them. They're not lies, they're just not the truth, "I.. Well, I'd.. Kids, they're just little versions of yourself, right?" Pete nods, but he doesn't speak, so I take it as my chance to ramble, "These tiny little versions of yourself. Like little do-evers. Hopes that maybe this time, you'll do it right and they'll be great and beautiful and do everything you can't. And you don't see anything, not one single thing, that's bad.. or awful.. or not worth a damn thing in their eyes. Their beautiful, innocent eyes. Even if these little things, miracles as they are, make a mistake, you can't help but think it's your fault because how could they do anything wrong? How could this.. How could he do.." God, I can't even force the words to come out, "To answer your question, Pete, and thank you for listening.." We both chuckle lightly at that as if to recognise the weight of the situation, but realise that.. I'm okay, "Yeah. I'd still love to have a little girl. I'd name her something beautiful to remind myself of how I'll always see her. Her name will remind me that she will always be beautiful to me."

"Ry?"

"Yeah?"

"Where did that come from?"

"You know my first name is George, right?" He looks surprised and very confused. Guess not, "Yeah, well, I would never curse my kid with my name, then turn around and call them the one mistake god ever made. Too many fingers pointed right back at me," I turn away from Pete so that thought can linger in the room and ring in my head. Ha. My old man's biggest mistake. Every time he called me George and said I was the worthless one.. He forgot we share a name. Whoops, "Now, without further ado, wanna cut a track with me?"

"Whoa, you don't get to pour your heart out to me and expect me to sit here quietly," The complete opposite of what 'without further ado' means, but okay, let's explore this, "Was that actually about a kid or about Brendon?"

I chuckle, genuinely because I'm not even sure. Seems to be a theme with me lately, "I couldn't tell you definitively. Probably a bit of both with a splash of daddy issues tossed in. I see Brendon as innocent and beautiful and I see the kid I wanna have someday as pure and exempt of any and all imperfections. My dad hated me til the day he died and I hated myself for that. Not the fact that he died, the fact that he hated me. I felt like I did something wrong and it messed me up for the rest of my life until recently when I reconnected with Elizabeth and- Wait, you remember her, right?"

"'Course," Pete joins me at the soundboard that, after five years, I still don't understand completely. A flip or a switch here and there? Sure. Anything beyond that is where my jurisdiction ends, "How's she been?"

"Outstanding," I smile and I catch myself. It's been a while since I've caught myself doing anything of the sort. This feelings business is trippy, "Always right and has to put her two cents in. Nothing's changed, I promise."

"Good to know," Pete's attention's hooked on the board, but he's smiling slightly just to let me know he's hearing me at least, "So. Tell me about Brendon and why exactly you're thinking about him right now?"

Okay, for the record, I wasn't actively thinking about him until you mentioned him, but now he's gonna be on my mind for the next twenty minutes, so this is all on you.

"You've seen him.." My tone becomes bashful, but I clear my throat at an attempt to shift back to my more confident demeanour, "He's.. Brendon Urie. He's shy even though he portrays himself to be extroverted. He's almost too kind because he has a hard time saying no to anyone. He's got hopes and dreams and desires. Beautiful house, beautiful eyes- I didn't say that."

"Yes, you did. Keep going, this is good."

"He's got this voice that you couldn't get out of your head if you tried, but you wouldn't. He's that good, but he doesn't believe it. Which is a shame. And he's so loved, but I don't think he feels it, which.. Is just awful. Huh.." I watch Pete pause and sit in a chair in front of the soundboard, turning to me with mischievous smirk.

"Lightbulb?"

Not quite an LED, but it's a dim incandescent.

"Not quite, but it makes me realise something small that I'm sure will snowball in my head later," Never seen snow with my own two eyes, and I'd love to keep it that way, but I assume that's how it works, "I wish he felt as loved as he is."

"Well, you just sang a whole song about how much you wanna stay away from him, so.." He shrugs, "Can't say that's gonna him too much."

~

1) ya gotta listen to the song.
2) i hated how short this was so here's more!
3) this ain't all, folks! two more chapters today to get us back on track!
4) happy holidays!

~RJ✌️

(also i got asked this question and i realised no one's is super defined or clear. so.
Ty: 23
Hay: 24
Z: 24
B: 25
Dal: 26
Ry: 27
Pete: 35