It was like red ribbons streaming down my arms. The pain all washed away with the tide. How many pills is enough to make me never wake. How can no one see such a simple thing, or do they see it but just ignore. I want to ignore that voice in my head.
The view of the beach was a replica of earth oceans . The Nostalgia killed me. The times when I was young, mama and I would run down to beach in Cuba, she would smile and splash water at me, I smiled and laughed with her.
The paladins were crowded on a mat. Shiro, pidge, Hunk and Keith were all trying to teach Allura the theory of swimming in the ground, Coran was tanning away from the rest. They all laughed with each other, if I go and join them I would ruin it. So I ran down a dune and snuck around them to the water.
The salty smell was a glorious, my pent up stressed evaporated. The waved lapped at my bare feet, the ocean is so blue. I couldn't tell where the sky started and the water finished.
Part of me longed to bolt into the water. I wanted to lay down in the oceans and let myself sink in. The though of never going to the surface was peaceful, a sweet realise. The salty wind whipped my face gently. I let myself breath.
"LANCE"
A voice yelled to me. I turned and looked over my shoulder.
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Keith and the others were waving at me to come and join them. I can't let my useless self to spoil their fun So I walked into The water.
It tingled as the texture of the ocean rose up my legs.
My clothing got wetter as I strode deeper in. I was waist deep when I hear the sounds of splashing. Th other paladins were bolting Into the water after me.
The way they smiled at me slowly cut me deeper than any wound I could make. I wanted to fall and cry, to break like glass, holding myself together was to hard so why not fracture.
The arms of my paladins wrapped around me and we all fell back into the water.
Keith's hand was in mine under the water. The waves washed through my hair, and I felt truely happy in those moments. Shiro pulled us all out of the water, all gasping from laughing. He picked up pidge and tossed her into the water. We all started running away as he tried to catch us.
I laughed as we fought through the ocean. I heard Shiro catching up to us as I ran. Keith was next to me. The water grew deeper around my knees as I fought to reach the end of the earth.
Pure happiness gushed into each never in my body, why can't I feel like this all the time. Why can't I just make everyone happy, why am I such a failure.
"No shiroooooooo" Keith yelled as he was thrown. I returned and saw Shiro lunging himself at me. I fell back into the depths.
The noise faded as I lay on the sandy bottom . My bubbles softly brushed my lips as floated to the surface, I wanted to go up for air but that's voice held me back.
'Let yourself drown it's better that way"
I readied to stay there, then Shiro's hand plunged into the water. I wanted to take it but I didn't. He grabbed my shirt and pulled me up.
The air stung and coughed up some salty water.
"Why were you down there so long Lance" he furiously asked. I couldn't say it, the salt burned my cuts and my eyes watered.
"You two coming" pidge waved from shore. Keith swam up to Shiro and I. I didn't speak but turned and swum. I felt Shiro's eyes on me, he suspected something and I can't let him.
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Allura was making a sand castle on shore when we got there. Hunk was finding seashells to complete the house.
I found my voice finally. "So when will we go back to the castle". "We are going to stay out here tonight, since it's so lovely" Hunk said and dropped a mountain of shells next to Allura. She snatched them up and beckoned for me to sit and help.
We all helped to make a beautiful sand castle. Allura and I decorated it. Shiro, Keith and Pidge made a moat and Hunk was emotional support.
We stood back and admired our work. Our might castle was before us. Even though it was sand they saw it as strong, kinda like me.
We sat back in the sand. The others laughed but I was silent. "Hey Lance" Allura's soft voice whispered close to me. I turned and she was next me holding something. "Here" She opened her palm and pressed three small things in it. I hollowly smiled and gazed back to the ocean.
I kept looking into the spiraling waves lapping up the beach. My other Paladins went back. I heard there joyful voice echo like insults. I stayed not wanting to bother them.
I hated myself, why did I feel like this, why can't them being nice to me feel real, why do they even want to be nice, I'm not worth their kindness or friendship ,I'm a waste of a human. My hand went to my left arm and dug my nails in. I ripped and scratched at my skin, I dug deeper, the stinging throbs ripped up my arm, my hand shaking so violently something dropped out of it.
Those things gave me Allura I finally looked at what they were.
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Three spieling shells lay in the sand, they are so beautiful and perfect, simple yet amazing to they eye. Something stirred in my chest. I stood up and went to sit with the others. —————————————————————————————————————————————
We smiled as the sun set. My happiness was the rawest it has been in a long while. I kept the shells tightly in my hand, like if I let them go all my good feelings would fade and I would let the others down. I saw how happy they were when I am happy so I stayed happy. But the fake lingered under the surface.
The sun kissed the see as it went to bed, and we followed suit. The stars glittered down at us but am sick of space and I tuned and looked out to sea. The moonlight bouncing around the waves.
Hunk was the first the sleep, then Allura, then pidge and Keith, Shiro was the last, And every I looked over at him his eyes flickered away from me, finally I slept. But my red boy wasn't there for me.
