Red Ribbons//Langst

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I always woke never feeling satisfied but I was content in the thought of Keith. My drawing ideally around me. I must have fallen asleep whilst drawing because pencils and paper were scattered around me.

I dressed without looking at my putrid  reflection and was actually happy as I went to breakfast. Thats was fast to end.

The paladins were all giggling at the table. Them smiling without me but that didn't matter,I didn't matter. I looked around the room at the giggling paladins, all giggling expect Keith. Keith was furiously blushing and not making eye contact.

Pidge looked up and caught my eye. A sly smile split her face and she pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. I could sense that the next thing to come out of her lips would be destructive.

"So Lance" she grinned like the devil and scanned the room. "Did anything happen after your shower last night."

My blood slowed and my heart stopped. She must have seen Keith and I hug. I didn't speak but just grabbed a seat and some goo.

Pidge knew she lost the battle with me so she fixated on Keith.

"Keith what were you doing last night, preferably around the time lance finished his shower" she sounded like an annoying lawyer.

"Shut up Pidge" he grunted, his knuckles whiten on his knife and fork. "Answer the question and maybe I will". I could see Pidge was hardcore pissing him off.

"Keeiiittthh you're no fun, come on are you just to scared, well I don't want to jump to conclusions but maybe you tooo-" her annoying voice trailed on. Before I could say anything Keith stood furiously up and slammed his hands on the table. Food and cutlery flew everywhere.

"Pidge I don't like Lance okay, why would you even think that, why would you even think I would like him" Keith pointed at me on his last words, like my name was taboo, his angry words shot like a bullet into my feelings.

See See , he doesn't like a worthless scrap of garbage like you, your nothing to him, nothing to any one, kill your self.

Everyone was silent and you could've of heard a coin drop.

My heart raced and stopped. I just was hallow and I felt like my good mood was shattered, pieces of broken glass on the floor, sharp. Keith looked over at me and realises what he said. "L-lance I-I" he tried but I didn't want to hear it.

I ran to my room, hot tears blinding me. I grabbed my art supply's and sketch book. I just wanted out, our from all of this horror. My life in worth nothing to anyone. Why couldn't I just never have been born. My breath came sharply as I climbed to the only spot I could truly be alone.

————————————————————time skip————————————————————-

I sat alone on the roof. My pencil hand shaking violently. The tears rolling down my cheeks and smudging my art.

It was hard to relax my breathing as I gasped. The corners of my vision were black. My heart beat pounding in my ears. It was hard to keep my intakes of air steady when I though that maybe if I didn't take the next breath things would be better for me, if I didn't breath at all the world be better.

I reached more a new pencil my hand grabbed a small plastic square. My pencil sharpener . I Brough it close to my tearful eyes and saw the glint of metal. A razor. My mind and hands didn't Comply as I slowly unscrewed the small nails. The blade loosened and it slipped out onto the paper.

I reached for the glimmering metal. I fixed my fingers around it. I brought the blade to my wrist.

The first slice didn't hurt, a slight burn and sting as the blade dug into my skin but then instant relief. It was almost euphoric. I put the metal to my skin again and left another long rosy cut. It was like all my problems dripping away with the red ribbons of liquid . The more I cut the more it stung and burned but it was so pleasant, so right.

I tilted my eyes back to the starry space sky. The burn was throbbing up my arm but I felt so at peace. This is what I deserved

————————————————————————————————————————————-

I didn't come down for hours, no one found me or was looking for me. I waved good bye to space. My art supplies in my cut ridden arms.

I didn't know what the time was but none of the other paladins were out, that's a good thing because my shirt selves were three quarter so you could see the lines across my wrists.

Yeah I they saw they would know how weak you are, how much of a failure you are

That's voice was back. Not knowing what to do I went off to train. Still nobody.

They wouldn't want to train with a feeble thing like you

As I slid my armour over my left arm it stung and re-opened my cuts. The pain was what I deserved, it was a great reminder of what a coward I was.

I set the battle droid on the highest setting, maybe it will go haywire and kill me, save me the trouble.

I used a training blade and not my gun. The droid beeped to life and flung it metallic body at me. I sensed before it attacked and blocked, returned hits and slashes.

My adrenaline blocked out all pain I had. My mind was entirely focused on this one thing. Finally the droid messed up. It spun and it back was open, I struck my blade against it and the droid shuddered to a halt.

I ran my sword hand over my soaked brow.

"Nice one"

I jumped out of my skin, Sure for a second that's he saw my bloody wrist. "Keith" my heart Leapt but then I looked back on what he said early. My heart hardened and numbed. "What do you want" my hostile tone had a pleasing effect on Keith.

He came forward and grabbed my wrist. I winced as his hand pressed against my cuts.
"Just wanted to come and apologise" he said and reddened. APOLOGISE. My heart was ice like, all of these hallow feeling shot out in five words.

"I don't want your Apology"

With that's I turned my back and numbly walked out. His hand trialling of my wrist Leaving a shaken Keith behind.

————————————————————————————————————————————-

I couldn't sleep, it must have been late because the hallway was empty.

My wrist ached with a stinging sensation, the cuts burned but I didn't regret punishing myself.

I needed some sleep to block out my hallow feeling. I ruffled through the medicine cabinet under the bathroom sink.

Panadol, heartburn pills, Epinephrine pen, a smattering of pills and.

"Ahh ha" I yelped. My hand clasped around the sleeping pills bottle. Temazepam, the lapel said. I huffed back to my bed. Popped the top off the pill bottle and dry swallowed one. It was corse down my throat and I wanted to be sick but I hadn't eat all of today and yesterday...... when was the last time I ate.

I lay back and the drowsiness set in. All my pain was numbed, a silent rest.

I woke but also didn't. My brain registered a dream. A garden spiralled out around me. The colour red, blue and purple stood out prominently . I was dressed in a white shirt and jeans but all over me was a hint of blue, my bandaged cuts decoded my arm. A boy, more beautiful then every star walked slowly to me through a purple field of lavender. He was so handsome my breath was taken from me. He reached his hand out to me, hesitantly I took it , his palm was soft but calloused. We slowly danced and I was happier I then I could ever remember. I never wanted to wake.