MARIEL

6 The Writings of Fr. Jerome

9/3/2008:

I can't think. My heart is hurting. Mariel told me he wished I had never adopted him. I understand that he is 10 years old and it is normal to question his life as an adopted child. I also understand that he is nearing adolescence and emotions are, for a lack of better terms, a shit show. It still hurt me though. I never thought he would say something like that. He and I are very close, at least I thought we were close. These are the moments that I fail as a parent... I can't punish him for saying that. If he feels that way, there is nothing I can do to stop it. I told him, "I am sorry" and left the room. I can't be around him. When he is angry, something switches inside of him and the demeanor of the sweet little boy I know changes into something...unsettling. It always reminds me of the time he told me that his anger was righteous, and to feel was to be human. I have attempted therapist after therapist in hopes that he might find a connection with someone who might be able to help him. The last therapist's office called me today and said that she wanted to transfer him (again) because she 'just could not help him'. I talked to him today and asked him why this had kept happening. I might have sounded more frustrated than I should have. Mariel told me no one understood him, and that I didn't either or else I wouldn't be asking him about these things. It developed into an argument, and he then told me he wished I had never adopted him. I hope something changes. Giving it to God today.

12/25/2008:

Merry Christmas! I bought Mariel a video game system today. It was a little outside the budget but I wanted to get him something nice for once. He told me he would pay me back someday. I told him it was a gift, but he looked at me and said, "I will care for you one day, Dad."

I love my son.

5/4/2010:

Wow, this book is dusty. I guess it goes to show how much I write when I am sad versus when I have a fairly smooth time in life. That being said, the last year and a half (ish) has been pretty smooth. Mariel is 12 now. He is getting to be quite the good-looking kid. He insists upon keeping his hair long. I only protested because I have always been jealous of his hair. Meanwhile, I barely have any.

So for once I am writing to express my happiness. Mariel has not had many angry episodes for a while and he has friends to keep him occupied. He is not always alone now. Gabe from church is his closest buddy, alongside Esther Caravan. The three are inseparable. If there is a weekend where they are not here playing video games I start questioning my life. What is my weekend without providing Dad's Greatest Snacks to three hungry tween-agers?

Good night. Good to write again.

6/25/2010:

I found pornography websites on Mariel's laptop today. He isn't home right now and I need to figure out how to address this when he gets home. I understand he is a young boy but one video I found was unsettling. I didn't watch it all, but the video showed a man beating a woman, demanding that she admit she liked it, and then proceeding to use her sexually. The most unsettling part of all this was that the video was bookmarked.

He's home. Gotta talk to him. Lord help me.

6/26/2010:

Yesterday was rough. I talked to Mariel about the porn on the computer and he said it was none of my business. I made him sit down and told him that it was my business. I told him I had gone through the same phase (minus the Internet, of course) and that he could talk to me. He didn't talk. I became frustrated and asked why he had bookmarked the video. Mariel looked at me and said, "The mean one told me to do it." Now, Mariel had not spoken of "the mean one" for many years. I had hoped it had been a phase as a young child. After he made that comment, I stared at him and told him that he was not allowed to use the laptop unless I was home and it was in the same room. He stared back at me, squinted a little, and then said, "Dad, just because you don't like pussy doesn't mean I can't appreciate it." I watched him in shock as he left the room. I didn't even call him back out of his room. In fact, I didn't talk to him the rest of the night. I had never told him that I had same-sex attraction, and even if I had, what right did he have to use that against me? I am still angry at him and I pray to God that the anger diminishes. I can't hold this bitterness. I am the parent. He is the child.